Depth

There's a lot of word-vomit I could launch out into the interwebs right now, but I'm going to try to do this in an organized fashion, and I think sharing it will help me make sense of it. So, here goes.

I'm talking about the depth of friendships, and how far into yourself you let others see, as well as how far you yourself explore. I've had a few transitions in my life as far as both of these aspects. In grade school and high school, I had the same friends almost all throughout. The guys I hung around are good guys, but we don't keep in touch all that much anymore. I think they see me for who I was in middle school. I don't think they really know me, and I don't really claim to know them anymore. Friendships fizzle. I get that. I think they fizzled because of lack of depth, and whenever I hang out with them as a group when I'm home, I feel like a total outsider. Late in high school, I met a bunch of people on a retreat, and craving the depth I didn't have in other friendships, I gravitated towards them. It had nothing to do with religion; it was just that the retreat setting provided for an initial segue into knowing them better. They shared their experiences on the retreat even though I barely knew them, and I wanted to get to know them better.

I left for college, and I was distraught about not having any truly deep friendships established. I didn't know who I would confide in, who would just sit and wonder about the world with me, or who I would be a source of confidence for. That changed quickly, and in college I formed some of the deepest friendships I have to this day. I tell you that to tell you the mindset I came in to Korea with. I was scared again about not having any deep friendships, but I was confident I would make them happen.

The last few weeks have been trying. Dealing with the physical, legal, and emotional toll of this motorcycle accident has been harder than expected. The earthquake in Nepal has left me with a ticket to Nepal in May and a ruined city. Unsure of how I'll proceed, I'm hoping to go and make a difference, so long as my foot is healed in time. I planned on getting LASIK surgery next week, and I had it all booked, but the costs of the accident have made that infeasible. I have had some missteps with my friends here that have left me down on myself. It just seems like I'm in a bit of a rut right now. I started to examine my friendships here and their depth, and I started to feel like I have only formed a few deep friendships. It started to eat away at me because I wanted to be able to just jump into deeper conversations, but I realized I wasn't feeling comfortable doing so with the people I saw daily. I didn't want to be a burden with my problems, and I didn't want to seem argumentative by talking about social/political ideas on my mind. I was too scared of ruffling feathers and alienating the only support I have during a tough time.

I think I'm over the hump on that. I had to sit down and tell myself that not every conversation has to be mind-altering and thought-provoking (as important as those conversations are), but sometimes just talking with someone about anything at all can be a source of comfort. As I've been more receptive to those littler conversations (read as not holing myself up in my room and being moody), the deeper conversations have happened. I've made some lifelong friends here, and it's comforting to know that.

My future for next year is settled, and that's great. My future beyond that isn't, and it's scary, which is something I shouldn't even be considering. I can barely figure out what I'm doing for lunch, and my brain won't stop trying to think about this big conceptual "future." Grad school, relationships, where I'll settle down, future career/jobs, how I'll continue to travel, what's most important to me and what isn't, and so on. In some way, it didn't feel like much of a transition from college to Korea. I was so thrust into the unknown and forced to adapt that I didn't have time to think about anything but the present, and I'm glad. Now that I'm settled and have a plan for the immediate future, my mind is playing tricks on me and thinking ahead too far.

I don't think I'll ever move home (sorry, Mom). I've been trying to figure out my aversion to going back to where I started, and I think it's just that I feel like I've grown apart from the people that made home what it was. I miss the family and several friends, but for some reason my brain wants to move past St. Louis as a permanent residence. I feel kind of guilty about it. It's been nagging me lately. Plenty of time to stew over it, I suppose!

My friend Cayla, who I studied abroad with in Rome, was here this week visiting from her semester abroad in Vietnam. It was so great to see a familiar face. It was odd to have a connection to home here. All this time, my two worlds have been so separate. I wouldn't expect anyone at home to know much about here, and I don't know much about what goes on at home besides what I see in the news. Just having someone to show around and to understand life here was really great. It's been a good week on that front.

That's about all I have for now. Have a good weekend.