Well, perhaps I should be doing more of this than I generally do, but I think it's time I admitted something:
I have made a grave mistake.
I made the mistake of thinking I understood at all who I am. We ask that question all the time of ourselves and others. Who are you? What defines you? My mistake was that I thought I had myself all figured out. If someone asked me who I was, I probably would start with a bunch of different societally imposed attributes: I'm white; I'm 24 years old; I'm straight; I work at a university in Rome. How stupid does all of that sound in the context of asking who I am? We define ourselves in so many ways without being able to really pinpoint who we are and what makes us tick.
Think of other ways we define ourselves. Maybe your religion, or your taste in music, or your political affiliation is what your go-to answer is. Either way, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it's all a load of crap.
None of that is who I am. None of that defines my personality, and none of it really has any consequence. Let me use an example: we're on a first date. You ask me, "Who are you?" I respond that I'm a liberal, atheist, laid back, travel addict. I used 5 labels there, and the labels themselves meant very little, but rather, it's what you inferred from them.
So I'm all of those things, yes, but your brain has just made snap judgments about those labels without any true discovery. It's the bias we all carry, and it's more important now to recognize that than I think it ever has been. We know nothing of someone based on their labels, and I've spent years upon years defining myself by my labels. So, how do we really define a person?
I think who you are depends on your values. What you value is what people are trying to manifest when they label you, albeit often falsely. You only learn what a person truly values by getting to know them, and we try to take the shortcut because our brains tell us that's the easy way. "Oh, you're a Republican. Then, you don't value women's rights and you're a religious nut." "Oh, you support Hillary, so you support her support of foreign wars." All of these assumptions might be true, but we pre-judge, and we do it without even thinking about it.
So, back to my original point. I've made a mistake, and that was thinking that I should define myself by what other people tell me I am. There's certain things that I certainly am. Some labels work, I suppose, but that's not to say that they're set in stone and we have to accept them. Instead of my first thought being my demographics when someone asks me who I am, I want my first thought to be: "Me, Ryan Bedell? I'm honest, friendly, caring, compassionate, empathetic." I don't necessarily believe all those things, but I think my identity as a person is that those things are what I value. Those are what I look for in others. That is who I want to be. Does any of the other stuff matter all that much? Yes, yes it does, but it doesn't define me, and we're starting to define ourselves by things that I think really shouldn't define us. Your political affiliation isn't you as a person. Your love of ballet and cheeseburgers isn't who you are; it's what you like.
I think defining myself the wrong way led me to a point of low self-worth early on in life. I'm certainly not the first to acknowledge a job well done on my behalf. I take compliments from others and try to shoot them down and say that it's not true. I have trouble seeing why I could ever be attractive to a woman. I have so often defined myself by shit that doesn't matter, that I doubt myself at every turn. I'm writing this because I want my sense of identity to come from something else, and that is what I value and what I hope to be. I don't hope to be a supporter of my political party. I don't hope to be the world's biggest Avett Brother's fan. Those are my interests. I hope to be kind, to support those around me and those in need, to be honest, to be a good human. I hope to be a person of values, so why don't I let that define me and gather my self-worth from that?
I suppose that's the goal, and I'm working towards it. The ideal and the actuality aren't always the same. I won't always be honest, kind, and compassionate. I'll make mistakes, but I think I'm ready to define myself by the fact that I want to be those things for myself, I value them, and sometimes, I have those characteristics.
I reread that, and it didn't make nearly enough sense, but I'm sticking with it. Have a good one, ya'll.
