Depth

There's a lot of word-vomit I could launch out into the interwebs right now, but I'm going to try to do this in an organized fashion, and I think sharing it will help me make sense of it. So, here goes.

I'm talking about the depth of friendships, and how far into yourself you let others see, as well as how far you yourself explore. I've had a few transitions in my life as far as both of these aspects. In grade school and high school, I had the same friends almost all throughout. The guys I hung around are good guys, but we don't keep in touch all that much anymore. I think they see me for who I was in middle school. I don't think they really know me, and I don't really claim to know them anymore. Friendships fizzle. I get that. I think they fizzled because of lack of depth, and whenever I hang out with them as a group when I'm home, I feel like a total outsider. Late in high school, I met a bunch of people on a retreat, and craving the depth I didn't have in other friendships, I gravitated towards them. It had nothing to do with religion; it was just that the retreat setting provided for an initial segue into knowing them better. They shared their experiences on the retreat even though I barely knew them, and I wanted to get to know them better.

I left for college, and I was distraught about not having any truly deep friendships established. I didn't know who I would confide in, who would just sit and wonder about the world with me, or who I would be a source of confidence for. That changed quickly, and in college I formed some of the deepest friendships I have to this day. I tell you that to tell you the mindset I came in to Korea with. I was scared again about not having any deep friendships, but I was confident I would make them happen.

The last few weeks have been trying. Dealing with the physical, legal, and emotional toll of this motorcycle accident has been harder than expected. The earthquake in Nepal has left me with a ticket to Nepal in May and a ruined city. Unsure of how I'll proceed, I'm hoping to go and make a difference, so long as my foot is healed in time. I planned on getting LASIK surgery next week, and I had it all booked, but the costs of the accident have made that infeasible. I have had some missteps with my friends here that have left me down on myself. It just seems like I'm in a bit of a rut right now. I started to examine my friendships here and their depth, and I started to feel like I have only formed a few deep friendships. It started to eat away at me because I wanted to be able to just jump into deeper conversations, but I realized I wasn't feeling comfortable doing so with the people I saw daily. I didn't want to be a burden with my problems, and I didn't want to seem argumentative by talking about social/political ideas on my mind. I was too scared of ruffling feathers and alienating the only support I have during a tough time.

I think I'm over the hump on that. I had to sit down and tell myself that not every conversation has to be mind-altering and thought-provoking (as important as those conversations are), but sometimes just talking with someone about anything at all can be a source of comfort. As I've been more receptive to those littler conversations (read as not holing myself up in my room and being moody), the deeper conversations have happened. I've made some lifelong friends here, and it's comforting to know that.

My future for next year is settled, and that's great. My future beyond that isn't, and it's scary, which is something I shouldn't even be considering. I can barely figure out what I'm doing for lunch, and my brain won't stop trying to think about this big conceptual "future." Grad school, relationships, where I'll settle down, future career/jobs, how I'll continue to travel, what's most important to me and what isn't, and so on. In some way, it didn't feel like much of a transition from college to Korea. I was so thrust into the unknown and forced to adapt that I didn't have time to think about anything but the present, and I'm glad. Now that I'm settled and have a plan for the immediate future, my mind is playing tricks on me and thinking ahead too far.

I don't think I'll ever move home (sorry, Mom). I've been trying to figure out my aversion to going back to where I started, and I think it's just that I feel like I've grown apart from the people that made home what it was. I miss the family and several friends, but for some reason my brain wants to move past St. Louis as a permanent residence. I feel kind of guilty about it. It's been nagging me lately. Plenty of time to stew over it, I suppose!

My friend Cayla, who I studied abroad with in Rome, was here this week visiting from her semester abroad in Vietnam. It was so great to see a familiar face. It was odd to have a connection to home here. All this time, my two worlds have been so separate. I wouldn't expect anyone at home to know much about here, and I don't know much about what goes on at home besides what I see in the news. Just having someone to show around and to understand life here was really great. It's been a good week on that front.

That's about all I have for now. Have a good weekend.

Setbacks

Well, it's been a rough few days. It could be much worse, but nonetheless rough. I was in a motorcycle accident last Thursday, and I broke my foot. I'm wheel chair bound and starting to go a bit stir crazy. My health insurance has covered nothing, and I'm not sure why. Additionally, I found out that one of my best friend's has had his cancer return, and it's spread to his lungs. I'm missing home, and trying to find ways to stay positive.

It's funny how life works like that, isn't it? It seems like I was writing here just recently about how great life was going, and how it seemed like nothing could go wrong. I'm still so stoked for the job in Rome, but there's certainly been a flood of bad news recently.

One of the bright sides to the bad news is the overwhelming response of support I've received. Between coworkers and folks at home, I've really felt the love, and it's tough to be down on life when you know you're so well-supported. I'm playing a show with my guitar at a small cafe in the city on May 1, and there's lots of fun BBQ adventures coming up (perhaps even trying to smoke a whole hog). I think that's one of the keys when life throws you curveballs; you have to make yourself acutely aware of all the fortune you have in your life. Bad news tends to make the happy things harder to see.

I'm starting to realize just how much my brain lets me go crazy over trivial nonsense. I said something last week that offended a coworker, and although she was very forgiving, I couldn't stop thinking about it for days. I still feel guilty about it. I'm trying to be conscious of the fact that I can make mistakes and move on from them without beating myself up about it. I don't know why my brain wants me to dwell on stupid things I say or do and make them out to be character flaws. I'm trying to do my best, and sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.

I suppose this is a post that's more cathartic for me than anything. I've really felt the distance from home these last few days. My coworkers and friends here have been great, but sometimes you just long for people from home, and I've definitely had some lonely moments. That said, I certainly haven't been neglected here. Between Michael, Johanna, and Kathleen who picked me up from my motorcycle accident when I was in a bit of a shock/panic and helped me calm down before taking me to the hospital, Lucas and Nicole Dines who have been running me all over town and being there for me for whatever I need, Tom Hambley who picked me up some medical supplies, and a bunch of other awesome friends who have just been there for moral support, it's been easy to find myself feeling lucky despite the bad luck. No matter what happens to me, I know I'm one of the luckiest guys around on a daily basis.

Please keep my friend who has been re-diagnosed with cancer in your thoughts, prayers, hopes, good vibes, or whatever else you practice giving to those in need. He's a remarkable human, and he's been like a second father and a brother to me. He's one of the strongest men I know, and if anyone's going to give it a hell of a fight, he is. Thank for reading as always, and have a nice week, everyone.

Elation

The last few days have been incomprehensibly incredible. I accepted a job in Rome as a Student Life Assistant at the JFRC for next year. An event I had been planning for several months here in Korea went over incredibly (except for a student's rough injury at the end requiring some stitches, but he's going to be okay!). I had a great night of celebration with one of my best friends here, and today I found out that my sister is engaged! The happiness is overflowing, and it couldn't have come at a better time. It's crazy to me that I only have nine weeks left in Korea, and I'm already starting to feel nostalgic about the people and the places. Things work out for a reason, and this year in Korea has been one of the most formative of my life. I've learned more about myself and the world in these last few months than the rest of my life combined. It's been a glorious ride, and it's far from over. I'm headed to Nepal in May and Australia in June. The weather is getting nice here in Jeju, and beach days are near. There's more to learn, more experiences to be had, and I'm going in with the most peaceful mindset I have had in years. I know that I'm not done with Korea. It's taken a place in my heart, and I will be back someday after I leave for this new adventure.

I'm so lucky. I have been fortunate enough to have so many incredible experiences in my life that many people will never get the opportunity to experience. I have an incredible support system of friends, family, and mentors who treat my success as their own, and it's humbling and uplifting. I called my mom as soon as I found out about the Rome job, and I could hear the happiness to the point of tears in her voice. The amount of messages of congratulations I have received in the last few days has been so awesome. I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face. It just feels like everything is coming together, and I can already see myself thriving in my new position in Rome. Thank you to everyone in my life who has been there for me and helped me get here.

Something I've struggled with this year here is finding meaning in my work. The group of boys I work with is very privileged. Sometimes, going through the motions of everyday life with these boys has felt fruitless because the results are less tangible, but as the year has gone on and I've seen their growth and maturity, I've come to realize my own little role in guiding them along. I'll miss the boys. I think I've taught them a thing or two about the world and how to be better men; I hope so at least. Seeing success with these students, like in the Spring Festival event I organized for this week, has me so excited to be working with college students and hopefully making a difference in their lives.

I'm overjoyed to be going back to Rome and hopefully bringing myself up to fluency in Italian. It really does feel like a homecoming for me. Rome feels so familiar. So many of the things I aspire to in my life were born out of my time studying abroad there. The job is one that's been on my mind since that time, and it's a perfect start to a career in higher education, which is where I think I'm headed. I'm excited to see the familiar faces around the Rome center as well as making friends with the new folks. I have a perfect balance right now of living in the moment, realizing my time here is coming to an end, and joyful anticipation for the future.

Anyway, I suppose that's enough gushing for now. Everything works out for a reason they say, and I've experienced it. I'll be back to the States on June 30, and I want to see everyone before I go. Open up your schedules! Congratulations to my big sis and her fiancée Nick! So happy for you both. Thanks for reading!