Monday, August 28, 2017

Selfish

As these posts often go, I've been reflecting on something for a while now, and it's time to write it down. Lately, I've been thinking about what it means to be selfish.

Well, for starters, you can't get more of a negative connotation. The dictionary says: "(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure."

I disagree pretty strongly with some words in that definition based on the thinking I've done over the last few weeks, and the main word is "chiefly."

This thinking all started with a conversation with my coworkers on my last night in Rome. The question came up about whether we felt selfish for taking two years in Rome. I think everyone but me said they felt selfish in regards to their friends and family, or even that they were made to feel selfish by friends and family.

My first reaction was "no, I don't feel selfish at all," but then I kind of felt like a jerk since everyone else said they did, and I thought about why I didn't feel that way.

I find that when we describe people, there's hardly an in-between for the extremes of selfishness and selflessness. We're taught that there's one or the other. That's why that word "chiefly" irks me so much, I think. It's like if you do any actions focusing on yourself, and tip the scale in that direction, you're selfish. End of story.

I don't agree with that. I think there's plenty of in between, and I don't think selfishness has to have a negative connotation.

The last few weeks have given me some pause. When I first saw all my friends in Chicago, I was pretty taken aback at how much envy I felt for their lives. They get together to watch Game of Thrones every Sunday. They watch football. They go out to eat together. They see each other around. I felt a bit left out of some inside jokes. It was weird and jarring.

So, I thought long and hard about that, and I realized that despite that twinge of envy, the feeling of how great it was to see everyone was what I really walked away with. In so many ways, it was like nothing had ever changed. Which brings me to my point:

My lifestyle isn't selfish because it makes me happy and I do it for me. Sure, I miss my family, and I miss my friends, and I hope that they miss me, but true friendships and family ties don't ask for one party to sacrifice their happiness. I know my mom wishes I was home. I know how fun it would be to be with all of my friends. That said, they don't think I'm a selfish jerk. They know I'm happy, and we make it work in the relationships that are lasting.

I was in Colorado this weekend, and my good buddy Mike Lempko invited me on a lake trip with his crew of friends. As I met people, I realized that their friendships were mostly forged in Colorado despite being from all over, and that they too had moved away from home in pursuit of something. It gave me some peace to see a great group of people like that who may have done what some people perceive as selfish, but they were really welcoming to me and really selfless in general. You don't have to sacrifice your own happiness to be selfless.

To truly be selfish, that ugly negative word we all know, I think you have to put your own interests ahead of the well being of other people. Your happiness has to come at the expense of someone else's, and furthermore I think that detriment to another's happiness has to be intentional. If I truly felt that my absence was ruining the well being of my friends and family (talk about arrogance), then I might be able to apply selfishness to myself. I might not live how I live. If you are willing to tear someone else down to build yourself up, you're selfish. If you prioritize yourself somewhere in the long line of priorities you have towards others, you're a healthy human in my opinion.

So, maybe this whole post is a big justification in a time of uncertainty for me. But what it boils down to in my brain is really a reassuring feeling that just because I go off in pursuit of my own interests doesn't mean I sacrifice true friendships with some of the best humans on the planet. This is going to come out worse than I intend it to, but people's lives go on. They probably hardly notice that I'm gone, but I hope they're happy when I'm back.

Quit feeling guilty for doing stuff for yourself. Sometimes, your happiness will be difficult for others. Sometimes, it will be difficult for you. But to be selfless requires you to be a bit selfish first I think. Thanks for reading.