I'm a really good talker. If you get me started about something I have passion for, I can talk for days. I am not always a good communicator. I think our society has a communication problem. So many of the people we see in prominent positions today (I don't have to name any names, but come on, you know who I mean) are really good talkers and can talk for days, but they're not very good communicators.
I don't know if it's a result of technology and us being able to contact people in an instant, if we're so used to having information readily available on a screen that we've forgotten how to interact with humans, or if we've just been fed so much bullshit as a generation that communicating doesn't feel like a valuable skill anymore, but something is up. Have you ever come into contact with someone who you can just tell is listening to what you're saying? They're intent. They give cues and feedback that they are paying attention. Their responses are thoughtful, not off the cuff. I feel like it shouldn't be such a crazy thing to find those people in your life, but they're increasingly hard to come by.
I'm guilty. Sometimes I'm thinking of my response when I'm listening instead of taking everything someone has to say. Sometimes, I'm not paying attention at all because my brain is somewhere else. Sometimes my phone is on the table because I think something important is on its way. It's a poison. It's unfair, and I know very few people who aren't guilty of it. I think effective communication needs to be in every curriculum in every school. Get students to role play tough situations and serious conversations. Practice makes perfect they say.
I'll never forget one of my management classes in which the professor, now a friend and mentor, made us sit down and role play negotiating salaries. He didn't take it easy on us. He asked us hard questions like it was real life, and we were all put off. We all found it difficult. It's really hard for some reason for humans to say what they mean. It's hard for humans to say what we want, what we don't want, and how we feel, and those problems are just the surface. Throw in some past trauma, some heart break, tragedy, disabilities, and other factors, and communication gets a ton harder, despite how hard we might try to work at it or control it.
At first, I thought that the really great communicators that I know were just naturally gifted, and some people definitely might lean in the direction of being good communicators from the start. What I realize in my old age is that effective communication takes work, especially in a society that is increasingly self-centered and aloof. Something I've been trying to focus on recently is keeping my phone in my pocket when I'm with people (or leaving it home entirely). I've been trying to focus on being intentional in what I say and talking slower to truly articulate what I mean. Perhaps most importantly, I'm trying to be an active listener and take a true interest in what people are saying to me.
Spoiler alert: it is really, really hard. I've been trained to have my brain in 10,000 different directions at once, and I think my close friends have probably heard me claim that very often. I like to juggle a lot at once. I think that the true skill comes in being able to give your full attention to whatever your doing. It's often about time management. If you've overbooked yourself and you're stressed about it, as I often am and we all inevitably are, it's hard not to let your mind wander to all that is on your plate. I've taken great comfort in a planner, something I've always epically failed at until my move to England. If you're in my planner, and I have time blocked out for you, I want to truly give you that time. I want my head to be nowhere else.
Like I said, it's a skill. It's an active effort, and I'm still not great at it. I just can't help but think that so many of our world's problems could be solved if we communicated better. Maybe if our world leaders could communicate, nations might get along better. Maybe, if we could communicate better for ourselves, there'd be less divorce and less heartbreak. Maybe, if religions took the time to dialogue effectively, they would realize how much they have in common and there would be less conflict.
A large step in communication that's also missing is knowing how to communicate in ways that who you're talking to can understand. In metaphorical terms, not everyone speaks my language (and in literal terms, not everyone speaks my language, making it even more difficult). Empathy is sort of a required part of communication. If I try to talk to someone from a very different background to me, I might have to say it differently than I would say it if talking to someone very similar. It's not censoring myself; it's being intentional. If you want your message to come across how you intend it to, sometimes you have to learn to communicate the same thing in different ways. If I was talking about my previous jobs in an interview, I might talk about them very differently than I would in a small group of friends. I also understand that there's a certain degree of privilege in this point. That said, if you don't use your positions of privilege to try to do good, you're wasting an opportunity, I think.
I'm trying. I'm not preaching at you and saying you need to try, but I really respect people who are such effective communicators that it radiates from them. I want to be one of those people. I want to be an astronaut, a comedian, and a chef, too, but those are less attainable or important to my daily life, I think. Pick your battles, I guess. I just love that feeling when someone is communicating beyond the words being said. When you can tell it's not going in one ear and out the other, it means something.
I think New Year's resolutions and dry Januarys and other things are kind of gimmicky, so I'm resolving as a tiny, feeble human that I want to try to make this change in my life for good. Hell, if you feel like you're not getting my full attention when you're talking to me, feel free to snap your fingers in my face or slap me back to reality. Yes, permission to slap me. Don't all come running too fast! We don't heal divides, create change, or move forward as a society unless there are effective communicators out there. I have serious respect for the people who are already Jedi masters at it, and I'm trying.
"I think it's very important to have a feedback loop, where you're constantly thinking about what you've done and how you could be doing it better. I think that's the single best piece of advice: constantly think about how you could be doing things better and questioning yourself." - Elon Musk
