Somewhat unbelievably, I haven't posted on here since September. Brief summary since then: Rome, Thailand, Rome, work, grad school applications, home for surgery, holidays, and soon back to Rome. Life has had ups and downs over the past few months as life generally does. Nothing too crazy to report.
Though not entirely sure why, I've become a little bit obsessed with asking one specific question of both people I've met over the last few months and also those close to me. The question has received a whole host of interesting answers, all fascinating to me. I've been trying to focus on the question in my own life and find a different answer every day.
The question: What is a simple joy in your life?
I love this question. It's got a lot going on in just a few words that really make people think. First, what is something that brings them joy, but also, to qualify it with the word 'simple' ironically makes it considerably more complicated. Does it mean that the joy is trivial or that it means less? I don't think so. To me, 'simple' means this: something ordinary, perhaps that you take for granted. Something that's part of your everyday life that brings you joy.
I've been asking people this question since my trip to Thailand. Things seemed so much simpler there. I could see joy on people's faces for no apparent reason. It struck me. In today's society, joy always seems to be so complex. We don't think we can have joy in our lives without the perfect partner, the perfect friends, the perfect job. We obsess over perfection, and boy, did I fall into that in 2016. It wasn't until I started to search for joy in the little things that what I considered a relatively poor season of mental health turned into one of the better times in my life during recent memory.
Answers to the question have ranged from "when my daughter crawls into bed and wakes me up in the morning" to "the right song at exactly the right moment." When I first answered the question, my go-to was "morning coffee." There's nothing better than a hot coffee, the kick in the butt from the caffeine, and the people generally surrounding me as I enjoy it. Last night, I laughed about ridiculous nonsense with Pedro, and I thought to myself, "What a joy just being silly is." I spoke at length with Conor on FaceTime yesterday, and beyond the joy of talking to a close friend and catching up, I took simple joy from the fact that FaceTime exists (it's really amazing).
Life is so full of moments where complaining is the easy option. Dwelling on bad things actually takes no effort. It's the natural reaction, I think. All of us fall into that from time to time. 2016 seems to have really weighed on people. A tense election, deaths of prominent people, talk of the ongoing effects of climate change, campus rape stories, fake news, and seemingly one bad bit of information after the next.
If we allow that inundation of negativity to take hold, that becomes us. That becomes our lives, and we don't even realize it. It has become me at times in my life. It becomes me on bad days. I had a dream recently about a flood, and I woke up and thought for hours about this weird analogy for the way we live our lives. For so many of us, life exists in a flood plain. When there's no flood, things are fertile and good, but all it takes is a few days of rain for that flood to come crashing in to wipe us out.
In other words, life is often this crazy rollercoaster of ups and downs, and you're either up or you're down. I think I've been asking the question about simple joys to combat that in my life. I shouldn't have weeks or months of downturn. There's always simple joys around me, and since I've started taking notice, I feel better. Tough days have become less tough, and good days have become richer.
I'm a very, very lucky man when I take the time to reflect on it. So, in 2017, for you and for me, I will continue to ask the question. I hope it makes the pet peeves and the tiny annoyances and the Big Bang-like floods of negative energy feel like less of a burden. All the best to you and yours in the coming year. I've got a lot of change coming over the next year, so I imagine I'll be writing more in an effort to process my thoughts and feelings about it all. Thanks for keeping up with me, and thanks for being a joy in my life!
Friday, December 30, 2016
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Unity
This post is going to cover everything from sports to politics, so strap in tightly, folks.
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about the divisions that divide us as humans. The racial divide is heavy on all of our minds, as African Americans are feeling the effects of oppression in ways I can't even begin to imagine. We have political divisions, highlighted in a vitriolic first presidential debate a few evenings ago. We have divisions as nations, divisions of religious beliefs, divisions of just about everything. It's so incredibly easy to place labels, to make someone else the "other." I'm often guilty of labelling people, too. If someone acts in a way I don't like, I'll label them as incompetent, as stupid, as lazy. That's a personal flaw, but I think the way a lot of people approach broader labelling. One action or even set of actions doesn't define a person, in the same way that the actions of one person or one group, don't necessarily define an entire set of people.
I don't know why, but I think our tendency as humans is to point out flaws. We critique everything. We critique all things from what we ate for lunch to our presidential candidates. I think that evolutionarily it probably comes from a desire to improve; e.g., if your hunting technique can be improved, you improve it because it helps you eat. From that same vein of thinking, we generalize to protect ourselves. We generalize all hungry tigers as dangerous because if you come into contact with a hungry tiger, you've got a good chance of dying. I think sometimes that our brains overplay that rule of thought, and we start to apply it to personal characteristics and demographics instead of understanding how important what we have in common is.
The most important thing us humans have in common is just that: we're all humans. We're capable of love, of change, of hate, fear, and compassion. Every single one of us has a beating heart in our chest and a brain between our ears. That's beautiful. If you're religious, you say it's a God or gods that unites us. If you're not, the beauty is inherent in that in some way we all share the same makeup. We're all skin and bones. We're capable of feeling for one another and committing unbelievable acts of kindness. We all know humans are capable of opposite acts of terror and hatred, but aren't those the outliers?
I was struck in the last few days by the response to the death of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez. He was an incredible pitcher, but I saw baseball fans and non-baseball fans all grieving the loss of someone who was just generally a good person. I knew Jose Fernandez only as a pitcher on an opposing team, but that didn't stop my eyes from tearing up when I saw the sadness of his teammates. We as humans have that connection; we see someone else suffering, and our hearts tell us to feel for them and with them. The labels we place on each other are what tell us differently. We train our brains to say, "They're different from me. They don't deserve my compassion." All of the problems in the world are a direct result of forgetting the humanity of those around us.
Something I think is interesting is hearing stories about deep idealogical changes in people. For example, a bigoted man may openly hate homosexuals, only to find out that his son is gay. That story can go two ways: one, he maintains his bigotry and is estranged from his son. Two, he has a change of heart and continues loving his son as he had before, realizing he was wrong about homosexuals in general (way oversimplified, but you get the idea). Another example on a less potentially hateful scale is this: we simply don't understand things until we encounter them. Perhaps, we don't see the big problem with the refugee crisis, but then we meet a refugee and our perspective changes. They're just like us. We're all so similar despite what divides us.
The divisions I tend to make are idealogical in that it bothers me very much when other people have biases, discriminations, or hatred for others. I've noticed a lot of othering in the American political race. If you support Trump, to Hillary supporters you are subhuman, incomprehensible, and the reason for the downfall of modern progress. If you support Hillary, to Trump supporters, you too are subhuman, supporting the devil himself. We take our point-of-view and what we think is best, and we generalize because that's how we're programmed to survive. That's how we see the world improving.
I know what I think politically, but perhaps I take pause because I have family members who support Trump. At first, I just couldn't believe it. I knew they weren't hateful people, but I also knew that they support a hateful man. Previously, I had thought that anyone who supported Trump must themselves be hateful, but I know that to not be true. I've had to dig within me to understand why Trump is appealing to people. I had to focus on the fact that political divisions are a human institution, but they're not part of our humanity. Trump supporters are still human. They're deserving of love. When we let these divides seed too deeply, we see fights at rallys. We see hateful rhetoric and shameful acts.
I was struck by a quote from Anne Frank. "In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart." I think that this is something we must keep in mind. We're all, by nature, good. We learn hate. We learn fear. We learn the labels and the divides. Perhaps, Anne Frank had similar thoughts to me in wondering how Hitler could have risen to power. Was every German hateful? Did every German want the Jews dead? Of course not.
So, I ramble a bit, but my thoughts boil down to a simple idea. Despite our divides, find some common ground. Confront your divides head on. Explore why other people think how they do. Instead of writing them off, explore how their brain works and try to squeeze into their shoes. See what motivates their hearts. Find a way to realize how united we all are despite our differences.
I think rediscovering unity is the key to the worlds' problems. Seeing all people as equal humans can end wars, stop climate change, and inspire change. I wrote a post a few months ago about respecting opinions, and I think my words were too harsh. We needn't necessarily respect hateful opinions, but we should listen, and we should learn. The world succeeds together, and it fails together. World War II doesn't happen with one man. It happens when a whole civilization forgets our common humanity. I hope more than anything that moving forward, humans can remember that we're all human.
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about the divisions that divide us as humans. The racial divide is heavy on all of our minds, as African Americans are feeling the effects of oppression in ways I can't even begin to imagine. We have political divisions, highlighted in a vitriolic first presidential debate a few evenings ago. We have divisions as nations, divisions of religious beliefs, divisions of just about everything. It's so incredibly easy to place labels, to make someone else the "other." I'm often guilty of labelling people, too. If someone acts in a way I don't like, I'll label them as incompetent, as stupid, as lazy. That's a personal flaw, but I think the way a lot of people approach broader labelling. One action or even set of actions doesn't define a person, in the same way that the actions of one person or one group, don't necessarily define an entire set of people.
I don't know why, but I think our tendency as humans is to point out flaws. We critique everything. We critique all things from what we ate for lunch to our presidential candidates. I think that evolutionarily it probably comes from a desire to improve; e.g., if your hunting technique can be improved, you improve it because it helps you eat. From that same vein of thinking, we generalize to protect ourselves. We generalize all hungry tigers as dangerous because if you come into contact with a hungry tiger, you've got a good chance of dying. I think sometimes that our brains overplay that rule of thought, and we start to apply it to personal characteristics and demographics instead of understanding how important what we have in common is.
The most important thing us humans have in common is just that: we're all humans. We're capable of love, of change, of hate, fear, and compassion. Every single one of us has a beating heart in our chest and a brain between our ears. That's beautiful. If you're religious, you say it's a God or gods that unites us. If you're not, the beauty is inherent in that in some way we all share the same makeup. We're all skin and bones. We're capable of feeling for one another and committing unbelievable acts of kindness. We all know humans are capable of opposite acts of terror and hatred, but aren't those the outliers?
I was struck in the last few days by the response to the death of Marlins pitcher Jose Fernandez. He was an incredible pitcher, but I saw baseball fans and non-baseball fans all grieving the loss of someone who was just generally a good person. I knew Jose Fernandez only as a pitcher on an opposing team, but that didn't stop my eyes from tearing up when I saw the sadness of his teammates. We as humans have that connection; we see someone else suffering, and our hearts tell us to feel for them and with them. The labels we place on each other are what tell us differently. We train our brains to say, "They're different from me. They don't deserve my compassion." All of the problems in the world are a direct result of forgetting the humanity of those around us.
Something I think is interesting is hearing stories about deep idealogical changes in people. For example, a bigoted man may openly hate homosexuals, only to find out that his son is gay. That story can go two ways: one, he maintains his bigotry and is estranged from his son. Two, he has a change of heart and continues loving his son as he had before, realizing he was wrong about homosexuals in general (way oversimplified, but you get the idea). Another example on a less potentially hateful scale is this: we simply don't understand things until we encounter them. Perhaps, we don't see the big problem with the refugee crisis, but then we meet a refugee and our perspective changes. They're just like us. We're all so similar despite what divides us.
The divisions I tend to make are idealogical in that it bothers me very much when other people have biases, discriminations, or hatred for others. I've noticed a lot of othering in the American political race. If you support Trump, to Hillary supporters you are subhuman, incomprehensible, and the reason for the downfall of modern progress. If you support Hillary, to Trump supporters, you too are subhuman, supporting the devil himself. We take our point-of-view and what we think is best, and we generalize because that's how we're programmed to survive. That's how we see the world improving.
I know what I think politically, but perhaps I take pause because I have family members who support Trump. At first, I just couldn't believe it. I knew they weren't hateful people, but I also knew that they support a hateful man. Previously, I had thought that anyone who supported Trump must themselves be hateful, but I know that to not be true. I've had to dig within me to understand why Trump is appealing to people. I had to focus on the fact that political divisions are a human institution, but they're not part of our humanity. Trump supporters are still human. They're deserving of love. When we let these divides seed too deeply, we see fights at rallys. We see hateful rhetoric and shameful acts.
I was struck by a quote from Anne Frank. "In spite of everything, I still believe people are really good at heart." I think that this is something we must keep in mind. We're all, by nature, good. We learn hate. We learn fear. We learn the labels and the divides. Perhaps, Anne Frank had similar thoughts to me in wondering how Hitler could have risen to power. Was every German hateful? Did every German want the Jews dead? Of course not.
So, I ramble a bit, but my thoughts boil down to a simple idea. Despite our divides, find some common ground. Confront your divides head on. Explore why other people think how they do. Instead of writing them off, explore how their brain works and try to squeeze into their shoes. See what motivates their hearts. Find a way to realize how united we all are despite our differences.
I think rediscovering unity is the key to the worlds' problems. Seeing all people as equal humans can end wars, stop climate change, and inspire change. I wrote a post a few months ago about respecting opinions, and I think my words were too harsh. We needn't necessarily respect hateful opinions, but we should listen, and we should learn. The world succeeds together, and it fails together. World War II doesn't happen with one man. It happens when a whole civilization forgets our common humanity. I hope more than anything that moving forward, humans can remember that we're all human.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Criticism
This one's been brewing in my brain for a few weeks now, and today, there was a catalyst that was finally able to help me put coherent thoughts together. Perhaps some of you read today's news story about Colin Kaepernick. In short, he's a pro football player who sat during the national anthem during a preseason game this week. He explained in the post-game that he didn't feel he could stand up for America right now because something is wrong with it, specifically in regards to racial inequality.
Well, gosh darnit, Colin, good for you. I want to talk for a second about criticism. There tends to be this negative connotation to the word 'criticism,' and I don't think it's a negative word. For me, criticism ultimately means improvement. Does that mean that criticism can't be used to harm or insult others? Of course it doesn't. There's a nice way to go about criticism and a not-so-nice way, just like there is with anything else. However, people are so uncomfortable with hearing that something is wrong with themselves, or with a task they're doing, or even with the country they're from, that criticism has developed a reputation as a dirty word.
Instead of criticism, we say, "Let me offer some advice." Again, not altogether incorrect, but in most instances where someone is offering "advice," they're really offering criticism. The dictionary defines criticism as "the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing." If you ask me, noting faults and disapproving of them isn't a bad thing. Instead, it's how you help people, ideas, and places to grow into their best selves.
My dear friend Pedro once told me that I was particular bad at taking criticism. It was kind of funny because I immediately got really defensive (seeing the irony in that?). I try to be more mindful of it now; that's for sure. We always think that we're right and that we know the best way to do things. It's good to be confident to a certain degree, but we shouldn't be so confident as to not realize that we don't always do everything right. I think that one of the biggest roles a friend should play is to straight up tell you when you're wrong. So many of my good friends are willing to do this for me, and I appreciate and respect it.
So, let's wrap back around to Colin Kaepernick. The man sat on the bench during the anthem to offer a criticism, and holy hell, did some people get really angry. I did some brief looking through the Twitter world, and people were accusing him of "hating the country that made him a millionaire,"of being an "idiot," of being "disrespecful," and of a whole host of other things.
The people saying things like this, while offering their own criticisms of the act, are misguided. Colin isn't unAmerican. He isn't a traitor who hates America. I would argue that he cares about America a whole lot if he is willing to criticize it and try to make it better.
When did America become so creepy and cult-like? "Sing the anthem and recite the pledge of allegiance, or you can move back to wherever you came from, you commie!" Do people really not see what the problem with blind faith in anything is? You have to be willing to ask questions, to criticize, and to not be proud of something for it to work. Let me dumb it down a bit.
So, you write a paper for school. It has to be 25 pages long. You write the whole thing, and you turn it in the second you've typed the last word. Do you think it will be any good? Sometimes perhaps! Most writers however, will read their own work over and over again, fixing it, criticizing it, questioning if things are right. For some reason, so many people are unwilling to do that in regards to the place they call home. Why can't we proofread it a bit instead of taking the actions of our country for creed?
I had a discussion with my mom when I was home a few weeks ago, and I offered a lot of criticisms of America, of Trump, of my home. She shot back at me at one point by saying, "Well, I'm sure Italy has its problems, too!" She's darn right! I think people think that because I don't live in the US, I think where I'm living is heaven on earth and that when I criticize the US, it's because things are so much better here. Let me be the first to tell you that in a lot of ways, Italy is a complete shit-show. It doesn't even take close scrutiny to see it. However, for some reason, if I talk about racial inequality or gun control in the States, I often receive a lot of backlash (Kaepernick was pretty clear that he knew the backlash was coming). If I talk about racism in Italy, the mafia, how inefficiently things run, or any other problem here, it generally isn't taken as a hatred for Italy. It's a criticism, and most Italians are thick-skinned enough to take it.
What happened to the thick skin, America? When did we get so awful at taking criticism? When did we decide that pointing out mistakes or faults meant I was a bad friend? I don't think I'm unAmerican at all. I care very deeply about America. I think it has the potential to be a great nation. We used to be a nation of immigrants, and now we have disdain for them. The national identity used to be the melting pot, and we took pride in it. I don't think that's so much the case anymore.
America has always had its problems, and there's always been resistance to change. People like Kaepernick who have a big stage that they can stand on and say, "something isn't right here," should do so. There's a lot in America that isn't right. A hell of a lot of days, I'm not proud to the point of shame for being an American, and that's okay. Humans feel shame when they do stupid stuff, and America is part of my identity, so I feel shame when it does stupid stuff. It's logical.
Learn to take criticism. See it as a way to move forward and not a way to point fingers and debate loyalty.
Well, gosh darnit, Colin, good for you. I want to talk for a second about criticism. There tends to be this negative connotation to the word 'criticism,' and I don't think it's a negative word. For me, criticism ultimately means improvement. Does that mean that criticism can't be used to harm or insult others? Of course it doesn't. There's a nice way to go about criticism and a not-so-nice way, just like there is with anything else. However, people are so uncomfortable with hearing that something is wrong with themselves, or with a task they're doing, or even with the country they're from, that criticism has developed a reputation as a dirty word.
Instead of criticism, we say, "Let me offer some advice." Again, not altogether incorrect, but in most instances where someone is offering "advice," they're really offering criticism. The dictionary defines criticism as "the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing." If you ask me, noting faults and disapproving of them isn't a bad thing. Instead, it's how you help people, ideas, and places to grow into their best selves.
My dear friend Pedro once told me that I was particular bad at taking criticism. It was kind of funny because I immediately got really defensive (seeing the irony in that?). I try to be more mindful of it now; that's for sure. We always think that we're right and that we know the best way to do things. It's good to be confident to a certain degree, but we shouldn't be so confident as to not realize that we don't always do everything right. I think that one of the biggest roles a friend should play is to straight up tell you when you're wrong. So many of my good friends are willing to do this for me, and I appreciate and respect it.
So, let's wrap back around to Colin Kaepernick. The man sat on the bench during the anthem to offer a criticism, and holy hell, did some people get really angry. I did some brief looking through the Twitter world, and people were accusing him of "hating the country that made him a millionaire,"of being an "idiot," of being "disrespecful," and of a whole host of other things.
The people saying things like this, while offering their own criticisms of the act, are misguided. Colin isn't unAmerican. He isn't a traitor who hates America. I would argue that he cares about America a whole lot if he is willing to criticize it and try to make it better.
When did America become so creepy and cult-like? "Sing the anthem and recite the pledge of allegiance, or you can move back to wherever you came from, you commie!" Do people really not see what the problem with blind faith in anything is? You have to be willing to ask questions, to criticize, and to not be proud of something for it to work. Let me dumb it down a bit.
So, you write a paper for school. It has to be 25 pages long. You write the whole thing, and you turn it in the second you've typed the last word. Do you think it will be any good? Sometimes perhaps! Most writers however, will read their own work over and over again, fixing it, criticizing it, questioning if things are right. For some reason, so many people are unwilling to do that in regards to the place they call home. Why can't we proofread it a bit instead of taking the actions of our country for creed?
I had a discussion with my mom when I was home a few weeks ago, and I offered a lot of criticisms of America, of Trump, of my home. She shot back at me at one point by saying, "Well, I'm sure Italy has its problems, too!" She's darn right! I think people think that because I don't live in the US, I think where I'm living is heaven on earth and that when I criticize the US, it's because things are so much better here. Let me be the first to tell you that in a lot of ways, Italy is a complete shit-show. It doesn't even take close scrutiny to see it. However, for some reason, if I talk about racial inequality or gun control in the States, I often receive a lot of backlash (Kaepernick was pretty clear that he knew the backlash was coming). If I talk about racism in Italy, the mafia, how inefficiently things run, or any other problem here, it generally isn't taken as a hatred for Italy. It's a criticism, and most Italians are thick-skinned enough to take it.
What happened to the thick skin, America? When did we get so awful at taking criticism? When did we decide that pointing out mistakes or faults meant I was a bad friend? I don't think I'm unAmerican at all. I care very deeply about America. I think it has the potential to be a great nation. We used to be a nation of immigrants, and now we have disdain for them. The national identity used to be the melting pot, and we took pride in it. I don't think that's so much the case anymore.
America has always had its problems, and there's always been resistance to change. People like Kaepernick who have a big stage that they can stand on and say, "something isn't right here," should do so. There's a lot in America that isn't right. A hell of a lot of days, I'm not proud to the point of shame for being an American, and that's okay. Humans feel shame when they do stupid stuff, and America is part of my identity, so I feel shame when it does stupid stuff. It's logical.
Learn to take criticism. See it as a way to move forward and not a way to point fingers and debate loyalty.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Identity
Well, perhaps I should be doing more of this than I generally do, but I think it's time I admitted something:
I have made a grave mistake.
I made the mistake of thinking I understood at all who I am. We ask that question all the time of ourselves and others. Who are you? What defines you? My mistake was that I thought I had myself all figured out. If someone asked me who I was, I probably would start with a bunch of different societally imposed attributes: I'm white; I'm 24 years old; I'm straight; I work at a university in Rome. How stupid does all of that sound in the context of asking who I am? We define ourselves in so many ways without being able to really pinpoint who we are and what makes us tick.
Think of other ways we define ourselves. Maybe your religion, or your taste in music, or your political affiliation is what your go-to answer is. Either way, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it's all a load of crap.
None of that is who I am. None of that defines my personality, and none of it really has any consequence. Let me use an example: we're on a first date. You ask me, "Who are you?" I respond that I'm a liberal, atheist, laid back, travel addict. I used 5 labels there, and the labels themselves meant very little, but rather, it's what you inferred from them.
So I'm all of those things, yes, but your brain has just made snap judgments about those labels without any true discovery. It's the bias we all carry, and it's more important now to recognize that than I think it ever has been. We know nothing of someone based on their labels, and I've spent years upon years defining myself by my labels. So, how do we really define a person?
I think who you are depends on your values. What you value is what people are trying to manifest when they label you, albeit often falsely. You only learn what a person truly values by getting to know them, and we try to take the shortcut because our brains tell us that's the easy way. "Oh, you're a Republican. Then, you don't value women's rights and you're a religious nut." "Oh, you support Hillary, so you support her support of foreign wars." All of these assumptions might be true, but we pre-judge, and we do it without even thinking about it.
So, back to my original point. I've made a mistake, and that was thinking that I should define myself by what other people tell me I am. There's certain things that I certainly am. Some labels work, I suppose, but that's not to say that they're set in stone and we have to accept them. Instead of my first thought being my demographics when someone asks me who I am, I want my first thought to be: "Me, Ryan Bedell? I'm honest, friendly, caring, compassionate, empathetic." I don't necessarily believe all those things, but I think my identity as a person is that those things are what I value. Those are what I look for in others. That is who I want to be. Does any of the other stuff matter all that much? Yes, yes it does, but it doesn't define me, and we're starting to define ourselves by things that I think really shouldn't define us. Your political affiliation isn't you as a person. Your love of ballet and cheeseburgers isn't who you are; it's what you like.
I think defining myself the wrong way led me to a point of low self-worth early on in life. I'm certainly not the first to acknowledge a job well done on my behalf. I take compliments from others and try to shoot them down and say that it's not true. I have trouble seeing why I could ever be attractive to a woman. I have so often defined myself by shit that doesn't matter, that I doubt myself at every turn. I'm writing this because I want my sense of identity to come from something else, and that is what I value and what I hope to be. I don't hope to be a supporter of my political party. I don't hope to be the world's biggest Avett Brother's fan. Those are my interests. I hope to be kind, to support those around me and those in need, to be honest, to be a good human. I hope to be a person of values, so why don't I let that define me and gather my self-worth from that?
I suppose that's the goal, and I'm working towards it. The ideal and the actuality aren't always the same. I won't always be honest, kind, and compassionate. I'll make mistakes, but I think I'm ready to define myself by the fact that I want to be those things for myself, I value them, and sometimes, I have those characteristics.
I reread that, and it didn't make nearly enough sense, but I'm sticking with it. Have a good one, ya'll.
I have made a grave mistake.
I made the mistake of thinking I understood at all who I am. We ask that question all the time of ourselves and others. Who are you? What defines you? My mistake was that I thought I had myself all figured out. If someone asked me who I was, I probably would start with a bunch of different societally imposed attributes: I'm white; I'm 24 years old; I'm straight; I work at a university in Rome. How stupid does all of that sound in the context of asking who I am? We define ourselves in so many ways without being able to really pinpoint who we are and what makes us tick.
Think of other ways we define ourselves. Maybe your religion, or your taste in music, or your political affiliation is what your go-to answer is. Either way, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it's all a load of crap.
None of that is who I am. None of that defines my personality, and none of it really has any consequence. Let me use an example: we're on a first date. You ask me, "Who are you?" I respond that I'm a liberal, atheist, laid back, travel addict. I used 5 labels there, and the labels themselves meant very little, but rather, it's what you inferred from them.
So I'm all of those things, yes, but your brain has just made snap judgments about those labels without any true discovery. It's the bias we all carry, and it's more important now to recognize that than I think it ever has been. We know nothing of someone based on their labels, and I've spent years upon years defining myself by my labels. So, how do we really define a person?
I think who you are depends on your values. What you value is what people are trying to manifest when they label you, albeit often falsely. You only learn what a person truly values by getting to know them, and we try to take the shortcut because our brains tell us that's the easy way. "Oh, you're a Republican. Then, you don't value women's rights and you're a religious nut." "Oh, you support Hillary, so you support her support of foreign wars." All of these assumptions might be true, but we pre-judge, and we do it without even thinking about it.
So, back to my original point. I've made a mistake, and that was thinking that I should define myself by what other people tell me I am. There's certain things that I certainly am. Some labels work, I suppose, but that's not to say that they're set in stone and we have to accept them. Instead of my first thought being my demographics when someone asks me who I am, I want my first thought to be: "Me, Ryan Bedell? I'm honest, friendly, caring, compassionate, empathetic." I don't necessarily believe all those things, but I think my identity as a person is that those things are what I value. Those are what I look for in others. That is who I want to be. Does any of the other stuff matter all that much? Yes, yes it does, but it doesn't define me, and we're starting to define ourselves by things that I think really shouldn't define us. Your political affiliation isn't you as a person. Your love of ballet and cheeseburgers isn't who you are; it's what you like.
I think defining myself the wrong way led me to a point of low self-worth early on in life. I'm certainly not the first to acknowledge a job well done on my behalf. I take compliments from others and try to shoot them down and say that it's not true. I have trouble seeing why I could ever be attractive to a woman. I have so often defined myself by shit that doesn't matter, that I doubt myself at every turn. I'm writing this because I want my sense of identity to come from something else, and that is what I value and what I hope to be. I don't hope to be a supporter of my political party. I don't hope to be the world's biggest Avett Brother's fan. Those are my interests. I hope to be kind, to support those around me and those in need, to be honest, to be a good human. I hope to be a person of values, so why don't I let that define me and gather my self-worth from that?
I suppose that's the goal, and I'm working towards it. The ideal and the actuality aren't always the same. I won't always be honest, kind, and compassionate. I'll make mistakes, but I think I'm ready to define myself by the fact that I want to be those things for myself, I value them, and sometimes, I have those characteristics.
I reread that, and it didn't make nearly enough sense, but I'm sticking with it. Have a good one, ya'll.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Respect
So many of the conversations in my life recently have come down to respect. It's an interesting concept. The dictionary gives several different definitions for the verb "to respect":
1. To hold in esteem or honor
2. To show regard or consideration for
3. To refrain from intruding upon or interfering with
4. To relate or have reference to
Here's where I think I stand on respect overall. Every single human on this planet deserves, for the sole reason that they are in fact a human being, to be considered and afforded basic rights and necessities as a human. I think that is a form of respect that is a natural right to every human regardless of any factors. I think that beyond that, the definition of respect and where it is due has gotten skewed recently.
Opinions do not have to be respected. "You have to respect my opinion." No, no I do not. If your opinion is completely idiotic, founded in no evidence or research, or just completely wrong but you insist on holding it anyway, I don't think that it deserves respect. For instance:
"Let's build a wall on the border with Mexico to keep out rapists and thieves and drugs."
That sentence does not deserve respect. It is not an opinion that I have to consider. It is not one founded in evidence (that putting up a wall would do any of those things), and it is racist at it's core. It is not for the betterment of humanity, and it does not deserve respect.
One that would deserve consideration (while I don't know it to be true, but am using as an example):
"Tougher border policies statistically contribute to less drugs entering the country illegally, so I think we should have tougher border policies."
I can have a discussion about that! It's an opinion, and while I have a right to refute it, it's one that can be considered because you thought about it once or twice before you asserted it. Supposedly, you didn't just make it up.
You see, I think respect is a word that has a lot of meanings, as shown above, but that many folks have taken to mean only one thing. I think people bundle up all four of those definitions into one over arching term of respect, and say that everyone deserves it. Certain things deserve to be held in esteem or honor, and some don't. Certain things deserve to be regarded or considered. Certain things deserve to be referenced. Others do not. That respect is different than the one that each human I believe deserves on account of being human.
Here's where we really get into muddy waters. Religion. For some reason, our society has decided that all religions, just by nature of calling themselves religions, deserve a disproportionate amount of respect. "Feel free to have a political discussion for hours and yell at each other, but my religion deserves respect!" I completely disagree. If the church says that gay people shouldn't be able to get married on the basis of scripture, to me that isn't a valid argument. If the church says contraception is prohibited on the basis of scripture (to be clear, that isn't really in scripture, just like the trinity isn't, and the virgin birth is in 2/4 gospels), it's not a valid argument. Just because religion says something doesn't mean it deserves respect. Atheism or agnosticism aren't considered religions (despite producing great people who are deep thinkers and moral beacons), thus, in the eyes of many, those folks don't deserve to have their opinions respected. The two way street is hard to come by sometimes.
Additionally, belief in religion is in fact an opinion, and we require folks to be able to defend most opinions they give nowadays. You like Hillary more than Ben Carson? Why? You like Dominos more than Pizza Hut? Why? But you believe in Islam over Christianity, or Catholicism over Hinduism? We're not allowed to ask why. Religion is religion, and it's a protected opinion in our society for some reason. I don't understand why the question of why you believe what you believe is a taboo question, and why people have trouble answering it. It's arguably the most important opinion to a lot of peoples' hearts, but they can't defend it if asked to.
Opinions don't deserve respect inherently like humans do. They're human-made, and thus subject to error. My friend Sam said today in the office, "If opinions have caused people to be lynched, why do they deserve respect? They threaten lives at a certain point."
"You have to respect my opinion," is not something I will ever ascribe to. I know it puts me in muddy waters with what opinions deserve respect, but I think it's fair to say that if it's defensible with logic, reason, or in general any sort of useful defense, perhaps it deserves to be considered. Is it counter to the betterment of humanity? Is it racist, sexist, meant to divide in any way? Why should I respect it?
I don't believe that any opinion is protected from being questioned on the basis of respect. If you want me to respect it, let me question it, and explain to me why it is deserving of respect. Some opinions can be shot down pretty quickly, like, "I think we should bomb a small country for no reason." I could pick that apart for why it's a bad idea. All opinions don't start on equal playing fields.
Anyway, that's enough of a rant for today. Hope all is well for friends and family worldwide.
1. To hold in esteem or honor
2. To show regard or consideration for
3. To refrain from intruding upon or interfering with
4. To relate or have reference to
Here's where I think I stand on respect overall. Every single human on this planet deserves, for the sole reason that they are in fact a human being, to be considered and afforded basic rights and necessities as a human. I think that is a form of respect that is a natural right to every human regardless of any factors. I think that beyond that, the definition of respect and where it is due has gotten skewed recently.
Opinions do not have to be respected. "You have to respect my opinion." No, no I do not. If your opinion is completely idiotic, founded in no evidence or research, or just completely wrong but you insist on holding it anyway, I don't think that it deserves respect. For instance:
"Let's build a wall on the border with Mexico to keep out rapists and thieves and drugs."
That sentence does not deserve respect. It is not an opinion that I have to consider. It is not one founded in evidence (that putting up a wall would do any of those things), and it is racist at it's core. It is not for the betterment of humanity, and it does not deserve respect.
One that would deserve consideration (while I don't know it to be true, but am using as an example):
"Tougher border policies statistically contribute to less drugs entering the country illegally, so I think we should have tougher border policies."
I can have a discussion about that! It's an opinion, and while I have a right to refute it, it's one that can be considered because you thought about it once or twice before you asserted it. Supposedly, you didn't just make it up.
You see, I think respect is a word that has a lot of meanings, as shown above, but that many folks have taken to mean only one thing. I think people bundle up all four of those definitions into one over arching term of respect, and say that everyone deserves it. Certain things deserve to be held in esteem or honor, and some don't. Certain things deserve to be regarded or considered. Certain things deserve to be referenced. Others do not. That respect is different than the one that each human I believe deserves on account of being human.
Here's where we really get into muddy waters. Religion. For some reason, our society has decided that all religions, just by nature of calling themselves religions, deserve a disproportionate amount of respect. "Feel free to have a political discussion for hours and yell at each other, but my religion deserves respect!" I completely disagree. If the church says that gay people shouldn't be able to get married on the basis of scripture, to me that isn't a valid argument. If the church says contraception is prohibited on the basis of scripture (to be clear, that isn't really in scripture, just like the trinity isn't, and the virgin birth is in 2/4 gospels), it's not a valid argument. Just because religion says something doesn't mean it deserves respect. Atheism or agnosticism aren't considered religions (despite producing great people who are deep thinkers and moral beacons), thus, in the eyes of many, those folks don't deserve to have their opinions respected. The two way street is hard to come by sometimes.
Additionally, belief in religion is in fact an opinion, and we require folks to be able to defend most opinions they give nowadays. You like Hillary more than Ben Carson? Why? You like Dominos more than Pizza Hut? Why? But you believe in Islam over Christianity, or Catholicism over Hinduism? We're not allowed to ask why. Religion is religion, and it's a protected opinion in our society for some reason. I don't understand why the question of why you believe what you believe is a taboo question, and why people have trouble answering it. It's arguably the most important opinion to a lot of peoples' hearts, but they can't defend it if asked to.
Opinions don't deserve respect inherently like humans do. They're human-made, and thus subject to error. My friend Sam said today in the office, "If opinions have caused people to be lynched, why do they deserve respect? They threaten lives at a certain point."
"You have to respect my opinion," is not something I will ever ascribe to. I know it puts me in muddy waters with what opinions deserve respect, but I think it's fair to say that if it's defensible with logic, reason, or in general any sort of useful defense, perhaps it deserves to be considered. Is it counter to the betterment of humanity? Is it racist, sexist, meant to divide in any way? Why should I respect it?
I don't believe that any opinion is protected from being questioned on the basis of respect. If you want me to respect it, let me question it, and explain to me why it is deserving of respect. Some opinions can be shot down pretty quickly, like, "I think we should bomb a small country for no reason." I could pick that apart for why it's a bad idea. All opinions don't start on equal playing fields.
Anyway, that's enough of a rant for today. Hope all is well for friends and family worldwide.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Responsibility
I find that as I grow older, my responsibilities grow. Sounds pretty obvious, I suppose, but it hasn't made sense to me until I started living it in real time. There's the really obvious ones, like the responsibilities of paying the bills, having a job, being more mature, etc. But there's responsibilities I didn't anticipate.
In general, I think part of growing up is accepting responsibility for your actions. Adults own up to it when they do something they shouldn't have, plain and simple. The more I'm around college students on a daily basis, I realize that they're still young. They still have a lot of growing up to do, and so do I. However, as you get older, admitting when you've done wrong becomes all the more important. There's no honor or positive outcome in trying to put responsibility for your wrongs on someone else. As a kid, you think, "Oh, wow, I did something really bad, and I'm going to get in trouble," and you want to avoid the punishment. That attitude still lingers in a lot of college students I encounter. However, as you grow older, people respect you more when you admit your responsibility for an action. We all make mistakes. We all do dumb things.
As I've grown, I've started to realize further the responsibility I have towards others. We have a responsibility towards others in every interaction we have. Take dating, for example. You are responsible for your own feelings, but you're also responsible for how your actions affect the person you're dating. If you're a bad partner, you're responsible for it. When you're 18 and dating is less serious, you have less responsibility. That's not to say you shouldn't try to be a good person at all ages, but as you grow older, and your actions carry more weight, inevitably there comes more responsibility with those actions. I'm realizing that as I go along. If you screw up monumentally and break someone's heart at 16, it's not as big of a deal as if you do it at 25.
You have more responsibility toward your friends as you grow older. The problems we encounter carry more substance as we grow, and your shoulder to lean on needs to be sturdier. We're responsible for more in general. We all have so much on our plates, whether it's school, jobs, loans, relationships, family stuff, or any other number of things. Life carries more weight and has more meaning now. Quite frankly, I think the added weight makes things more beautiful. I find myself putting more passion into my work because it means something. My part-time jobs never merited very much passion. I find myself being deeper and more interested in a person in romantic love. It's less surface-level, and I don't dilly dally. If you're not my type, I move on. When you have less time, and everything carries more gravity, you quickly delegate what makes sense to take responsibility for and what doesn't.
I love having more responsibility in my life. It's been an adjustment post-college, and it took time to be ready for the 'real world.' Full-time jobs, loan payments, and first dates where a girl looks at you and thinks, "Is he the type of guy I could marry?" Real life hits hard, but it fights fairly. We're growing up, and it's not a negative thing. I have never been happier, but I have more responsibility than I've ever had in my life.
So, maybe I've finally found a maturity streak in my life (not too much obviously). Being an adult doesn't mean abandoning being a kid. It means keeping your spirit young but your decision-making more informed. It means taking all of your experience thus far, and using it to be a good person. I think I'll always be a kid at heart. I'll always have a child's curiosity, a bit of teenager recklessness, and to a certain degree an innocence, a desire to trust and be trusted.
Every time I get to the end of writing one of these, I think to myself, "Wow, that was a lot of rambling," but they always make sense in my head. Hope it's not too haphazard. Have a good week!
In general, I think part of growing up is accepting responsibility for your actions. Adults own up to it when they do something they shouldn't have, plain and simple. The more I'm around college students on a daily basis, I realize that they're still young. They still have a lot of growing up to do, and so do I. However, as you get older, admitting when you've done wrong becomes all the more important. There's no honor or positive outcome in trying to put responsibility for your wrongs on someone else. As a kid, you think, "Oh, wow, I did something really bad, and I'm going to get in trouble," and you want to avoid the punishment. That attitude still lingers in a lot of college students I encounter. However, as you grow older, people respect you more when you admit your responsibility for an action. We all make mistakes. We all do dumb things.
As I've grown, I've started to realize further the responsibility I have towards others. We have a responsibility towards others in every interaction we have. Take dating, for example. You are responsible for your own feelings, but you're also responsible for how your actions affect the person you're dating. If you're a bad partner, you're responsible for it. When you're 18 and dating is less serious, you have less responsibility. That's not to say you shouldn't try to be a good person at all ages, but as you grow older, and your actions carry more weight, inevitably there comes more responsibility with those actions. I'm realizing that as I go along. If you screw up monumentally and break someone's heart at 16, it's not as big of a deal as if you do it at 25.
You have more responsibility toward your friends as you grow older. The problems we encounter carry more substance as we grow, and your shoulder to lean on needs to be sturdier. We're responsible for more in general. We all have so much on our plates, whether it's school, jobs, loans, relationships, family stuff, or any other number of things. Life carries more weight and has more meaning now. Quite frankly, I think the added weight makes things more beautiful. I find myself putting more passion into my work because it means something. My part-time jobs never merited very much passion. I find myself being deeper and more interested in a person in romantic love. It's less surface-level, and I don't dilly dally. If you're not my type, I move on. When you have less time, and everything carries more gravity, you quickly delegate what makes sense to take responsibility for and what doesn't.
I love having more responsibility in my life. It's been an adjustment post-college, and it took time to be ready for the 'real world.' Full-time jobs, loan payments, and first dates where a girl looks at you and thinks, "Is he the type of guy I could marry?" Real life hits hard, but it fights fairly. We're growing up, and it's not a negative thing. I have never been happier, but I have more responsibility than I've ever had in my life.
So, maybe I've finally found a maturity streak in my life (not too much obviously). Being an adult doesn't mean abandoning being a kid. It means keeping your spirit young but your decision-making more informed. It means taking all of your experience thus far, and using it to be a good person. I think I'll always be a kid at heart. I'll always have a child's curiosity, a bit of teenager recklessness, and to a certain degree an innocence, a desire to trust and be trusted.
Every time I get to the end of writing one of these, I think to myself, "Wow, that was a lot of rambling," but they always make sense in my head. Hope it's not too haphazard. Have a good week!
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Goodbye Beazleys
Two things I've said before, and I will say again:
1. Home is not places. It is love.
2. Family is much bigger than blood.
The Beazley family came home this semester, and they're going home today to Chicago. They're surrounded by love everywhere they go. Their family here misses them already. My sadness is immense today, but I won't harp on that. Instead, I'm going to share three things I wrote throughout the course of the semester when I was generally overcome with love for the Beazleys. They are transcribed in full below. Miss and love you so much, Beazleys!
Every day I'm around Annie Beazley, I learn something new. Today, I was struck by her joy as she hugged all the students with a huge smile on her face. I was struck by her eagerness to embrace everyone around her with a handshake or a hug. Yesterday, she struck me with how quickly she moved on from biting her tongue; she's the same way when you upset her emotionally. She moves on in a minute or two.
Tonight, her dad was giving a speech to 220 new students, and she ran up to him and started tugging at him. He picked her up, and as she looked out to the crowd of students and waved with a huge smile on her face, I found a few tears of happiness welling up in my eyes. Annie, at just shy of five years old, is everything I aspire to be in a human, and she's here with me in Rome (along with her beautiful family).
When Annie was little, I probably wouldn't have been able to put into words how she affects those around her. In one sense, when I was a student, she was an adorable baby around campus, and even those who didn't put much effort into getting to know her enjoyed her presence. I realize now that Annie is older, that it was never about her being a cute baby. It's the joy, the love, and gigantic heart that make her stand out.
Annie's little sister Giorgia is pretty lucky. While I imagine they'll do quite a bit of teaching each other things, I already know this: Giorgia will learn love, in a way she couldn't learn from anyone else, from her sister. Annie will be protective. I can already see when they interact that Annie wants only what's best for her. Annie has a profound impact on people she bumps into at the grocery store; I can't imagine the joy and fulfilment she will bring to her sister's life.
She certainly has brought joy and fulfilment to my life. Annie lives in each moment more than any of us are capable. She thinks about you when she's with you, and you get her full attention and love. What a wonderful world it would be if we could all do the same and truly be present in our daily lives and give our interactions with others our full soul. If you're hurt, she runs over concerned to give you a hug. If you're laughing, she laughs with you even if she's not sure why you're laughing. She has taught me more in four years about what being a good human being means than anything else in my almost 25 years has. Her mom told me this evening that she's been asking to see me lately, and that's the ultimate compliment.
--------------------
Tonight, Mike, Colleen, Annie, Giorgia, and I went to dinner at La Taverna Dei Fori Imperiali. Incredible meal aside, it was so refreshing to get some time with them. I felt a bit greedy having them alone, but it was the best night I've had in a while. As usual, Annie was the star. All of the staff at the restaurant love her and know her well. She's goes back in the kitchen. She delivered checks to tables for other diners. She spread her joy, as she always does. Tonight, I realized how hard it will be for me when they go. I know it will be doubly hard for them to leave their second home, but I'll miss all of them so much. I'll miss Annie's screaming my name and running to hug me from the other side of the room. I'll miss Giorgia's baby smile. I'll miss Colleen's wisdom and honesty. I'll miss Mike's sense of humor and clarity of mind in every situation. I'm getting used to them being here, and while I'm scared to do that, I know I'm getting the most out of them being here by letting it feel normal. Tonight's dinner was perfect, and I was as impressed as always by the force that is Annie Beazley and her incredible family. Colleen said to me, "the world would be so much better if every government office had a person with Down syndrome in it." It's so true. It's a love that you don't get from anyone else. The world needs people with Down syndrome. I would be thrilled to have a child with Down syndrome. I know it presents challenges and hard days, but that's all worth it in my eyes. Annie is the epitome of caring for others. The way she was convinced by her parents to eat a bite of her food was when they told her it would make her sister happy. If you'd have told me anything would make my sister happy as a child, I probably would've done the opposite. Each day and each interaction with Annie, I wish I could mold my soul to be more like hers.
--------------------
The Beazley family leaves on Wednesday, and the sadness is setting in. Annie turned 5 on Friday, and we're celebrating tomorrow with a dinner on the terrace. I'm glad my Spain trip didn't exclude me from the celebration. As I mentally try to prepare myself for their leaving, I can't help but feel so incredibly lucky for this semester. It truly was the happiest few months of my life. On top of the joy of Rome and the job and all else, I had Annie, Giorgia, Colleen, and Mike to make it all the better. Getting a giant running afternoon hug from Annie made the days so much brighter. Seeing Giorgia grow even in the short few months she was here was smile inducing. Getting life advice from Colleen and having her around as a friend was such an incredible treat. Having Mike around professionally and personally as a friend and mentor was invaluable to my growth, and I'll miss him dearly.
As I sit on an airplane home from Madrid, it is the first semi-sad return to Rome in a while. I've got to confront their leaving in three days, and it sucks. I say semi-sad because I'm realizing how fortunate it has been to have them here. I don't think I can adequately express what this family has become in my life, but I'd be hard pressed to find a group of 4 humans I love more. I found myself trying to figure out when the next time I would see them is, and it can't come soon enough. Time flies. It seems like they arrived in Rome yesterday, and they weren't here hardly long enough. I take some comfort in knowing that time will fly until I'm back in Chicago and seeing them. Buon viaggio, Beazleys. Missing you already, and you haven't even left.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Dear Family and Friends...
Dear family and friends who support Donald Trump,
I'm hopping on the bandwagon and sending a message your way. I'm sure I'm not the first person who has discussed this with you, and I'm sure I won't be the last.
My parents and I had a great political discussion via Skype the other day, and the subject of family and friends who support Trump came up. Admittedly, I shouldn't be surprised, but nonetheless, I am. My mother was more than a little bit concerned about the way I might treat you all because of your inclination towards Trump. "Family and friends are important. You can't just write them off because of their political views." My mother is a saint of a woman, and it is for her that I am writing this to you. I'm going to explain myself very clearly.
The famous reporter and blogger behind Humans of New York recently said that supporting Trump is no longer a political issue. It is a moral one. In fact, I would be hard pressed to find an issue that Trump brings up that doesn't carry some sort of moral bearing. Things you see as political, like removing all Muslims from the United States or building a wall on the border of Mexico, might be political ideas to you, but they are also highly moral, and they come not from a background of advancing a political agenda. They come from a background of scapegoating, hatred, and misinformation.
So, here I come in, and I see that you support this kind of rhetoric. In my mind, that reflects on you that you support racism, xenophobia, hatred, bigotry, and violence. When Trump says, "You should punch them in the face," do you cheer along with the crowd? Do you feel any pangs of fear or guilt in your stomach, or are you so bought in that you don't see what he's saying? You teach your kids not to hit one another, and a grown man gets on stage every night and tells people to do just that, and it doesn't bother you? I don't understand.
I understand times are tough in the States, and you want something new. If you're willing to overlook Trump's gross immoralities and hatred because you think he's a straight shooter, I can't help but think you've undergone some sort of moral transformation. Your struggles with the economy, with housing, with jobs, whatever it may be, have gotten you so angry that you've lost who you are in favor of hatred and bigotry. That's the only conclusion I can draw. That, or you've been hateful all along, and it just took someone coming out and saying it for you to show your true colors. You fooled me. You don't see the hateful rhetoric from any of the other Republican front runners. I assure you, my qualms aren't partisan.
I'm not here to tell you I don't love you anymore, or that I absolutely cannot have you in my life. That said, if we're being honest, I do think less of you. I suppose I just expected better. If Trump comes up at the dinner table, don't expect me to stick around. If I know I won't change your mind, what's the point in speaking up? I'll just leave the room. My parents and upbringing always taught me to surround yourself with people who build you up and who make you a better person. If you believe what Trump is pitching and you advocate for it, you do neither of those things. You promote hatred, ignorance, and anarchy. I don't care how bad the political situation has gotten or if you feel that your status as an American has lowered. If you have food on your table, you're doing better than a lot of folks. What Trump is doing is taking those who feel disenfranchised and giving them someone to disenfranchise further. If you can knock someone to the rung below you, maybe you'll really feel like things are going well for you. If you can alienate Muslims, Mexicans, Democrats, or anyone else you don't like, maybe your life will feel like it has more meaning. Is that really the schoolyard mentality that you've devolved to? My disappointment can't be conveyed in a few words on the Internet.
So, moving forward, know that I still love you, but things won't be the same for us. In every conversation and every glance, there will be disappointment. They say blood is thicker than water, and were you not already a fixture in my life who I really value, I may not have afforded you the courtesy. I have defriended others on Facebook, been scathing, been angry. Know that your support of Donald Trump says more about you than who you want to be president. It says what you want America to become, and I can assure that Donald's America will not be great again. It will be the worst it has ever been.
I'm sorry if this seems unfair, but I've said my piece, and I mean it.
I wish you a change of heart to love, peace, and understanding. I'll always be here when you need me.
Love,
Ryan
I'm hopping on the bandwagon and sending a message your way. I'm sure I'm not the first person who has discussed this with you, and I'm sure I won't be the last.
My parents and I had a great political discussion via Skype the other day, and the subject of family and friends who support Trump came up. Admittedly, I shouldn't be surprised, but nonetheless, I am. My mother was more than a little bit concerned about the way I might treat you all because of your inclination towards Trump. "Family and friends are important. You can't just write them off because of their political views." My mother is a saint of a woman, and it is for her that I am writing this to you. I'm going to explain myself very clearly.
The famous reporter and blogger behind Humans of New York recently said that supporting Trump is no longer a political issue. It is a moral one. In fact, I would be hard pressed to find an issue that Trump brings up that doesn't carry some sort of moral bearing. Things you see as political, like removing all Muslims from the United States or building a wall on the border of Mexico, might be political ideas to you, but they are also highly moral, and they come not from a background of advancing a political agenda. They come from a background of scapegoating, hatred, and misinformation.
So, here I come in, and I see that you support this kind of rhetoric. In my mind, that reflects on you that you support racism, xenophobia, hatred, bigotry, and violence. When Trump says, "You should punch them in the face," do you cheer along with the crowd? Do you feel any pangs of fear or guilt in your stomach, or are you so bought in that you don't see what he's saying? You teach your kids not to hit one another, and a grown man gets on stage every night and tells people to do just that, and it doesn't bother you? I don't understand.
I understand times are tough in the States, and you want something new. If you're willing to overlook Trump's gross immoralities and hatred because you think he's a straight shooter, I can't help but think you've undergone some sort of moral transformation. Your struggles with the economy, with housing, with jobs, whatever it may be, have gotten you so angry that you've lost who you are in favor of hatred and bigotry. That's the only conclusion I can draw. That, or you've been hateful all along, and it just took someone coming out and saying it for you to show your true colors. You fooled me. You don't see the hateful rhetoric from any of the other Republican front runners. I assure you, my qualms aren't partisan.
I'm not here to tell you I don't love you anymore, or that I absolutely cannot have you in my life. That said, if we're being honest, I do think less of you. I suppose I just expected better. If Trump comes up at the dinner table, don't expect me to stick around. If I know I won't change your mind, what's the point in speaking up? I'll just leave the room. My parents and upbringing always taught me to surround yourself with people who build you up and who make you a better person. If you believe what Trump is pitching and you advocate for it, you do neither of those things. You promote hatred, ignorance, and anarchy. I don't care how bad the political situation has gotten or if you feel that your status as an American has lowered. If you have food on your table, you're doing better than a lot of folks. What Trump is doing is taking those who feel disenfranchised and giving them someone to disenfranchise further. If you can knock someone to the rung below you, maybe you'll really feel like things are going well for you. If you can alienate Muslims, Mexicans, Democrats, or anyone else you don't like, maybe your life will feel like it has more meaning. Is that really the schoolyard mentality that you've devolved to? My disappointment can't be conveyed in a few words on the Internet.
So, moving forward, know that I still love you, but things won't be the same for us. In every conversation and every glance, there will be disappointment. They say blood is thicker than water, and were you not already a fixture in my life who I really value, I may not have afforded you the courtesy. I have defriended others on Facebook, been scathing, been angry. Know that your support of Donald Trump says more about you than who you want to be president. It says what you want America to become, and I can assure that Donald's America will not be great again. It will be the worst it has ever been.
I'm sorry if this seems unfair, but I've said my piece, and I mean it.
I wish you a change of heart to love, peace, and understanding. I'll always be here when you need me.
Love,
Ryan
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Shower Thoughts
Lately, I've had some heavy stuff on my mind. The fact that the Beazley family is leaving is a not-so-pleasant thought at least a few times a day. I'm going to Bosnia, Serbia, Croatia, and Slovenia this week, and I've done a bit too much reading about genocide for my brain this week. Reapplying for the SLA job and eventual grad school looms large on the horizon. Trump is looking like he could become the next president (I threw up in my mouth a bit as I wrote that). I'm still as happy as ever, but the weight of some of these things on my mind has caused me to pause and take time to lighten the mood a bit and remember how great life is. So, that's what I'm doing.
Every week I write a satirical newsletter for our campus's soccer league. It's usually ridiculous and very stream-of-consciousness writing, leading one of my bosses to say at one point, "It's a glimpse into whatever is going on inside your head sometimes." Admittedly, I have some scatter-brained thoughts. I've titled them shower thoughts because I suppose that's the genre of thinking it is, but these are the random thoughts that occurred to me throughout the day today that I wrote down for the sake of this post. Some are horribly bizarre. All are without explanation.
1. Why are Christmas songs so creepy? Santa Claus Is Coming To Town sounds like it's an anthem in 1984.
2. Ciao means hello and goodbye. That's just lazy.
3. If you wear high enough shoes, you can always wear mismatched socks.
4. Do you think other species are aware that what they eat affects how they poop?
5. What if I didn't wake up today? Death by ribs would be a weird way to go.
6. The only two Bible stories I ever think about are the good Samaritan and the woman at the well. The far right has casually forgotten these.
7. What does English sound like to Italian dogs?
8. If an alien landed on earth, what would be the most bizarre thing they found? Raisins or ripped jeans get my votes.
9. Babies are basically tiny stoned adults.
10. If I practiced enough, could I be the best mime there ever was?
11. The first time someone wore shoes they probably weren't comfortable, so why do we wear shoes today? What idiot invented wooden shoes? Did the shoe or the sock come first?
12. Do you think the first rat-tail haircut came from someone with a really weird balding pattern?
That's the average things in my brain for the course of a day. When I'm trying to get my mind off of whatever is shitty in the world, this is what my brain wanders to. Have a great week, everyone!
Every week I write a satirical newsletter for our campus's soccer league. It's usually ridiculous and very stream-of-consciousness writing, leading one of my bosses to say at one point, "It's a glimpse into whatever is going on inside your head sometimes." Admittedly, I have some scatter-brained thoughts. I've titled them shower thoughts because I suppose that's the genre of thinking it is, but these are the random thoughts that occurred to me throughout the day today that I wrote down for the sake of this post. Some are horribly bizarre. All are without explanation.
1. Why are Christmas songs so creepy? Santa Claus Is Coming To Town sounds like it's an anthem in 1984.
2. Ciao means hello and goodbye. That's just lazy.
3. If you wear high enough shoes, you can always wear mismatched socks.
4. Do you think other species are aware that what they eat affects how they poop?
5. What if I didn't wake up today? Death by ribs would be a weird way to go.
6. The only two Bible stories I ever think about are the good Samaritan and the woman at the well. The far right has casually forgotten these.
7. What does English sound like to Italian dogs?
8. If an alien landed on earth, what would be the most bizarre thing they found? Raisins or ripped jeans get my votes.
9. Babies are basically tiny stoned adults.
10. If I practiced enough, could I be the best mime there ever was?
11. The first time someone wore shoes they probably weren't comfortable, so why do we wear shoes today? What idiot invented wooden shoes? Did the shoe or the sock come first?
12. Do you think the first rat-tail haircut came from someone with a really weird balding pattern?
That's the average things in my brain for the course of a day. When I'm trying to get my mind off of whatever is shitty in the world, this is what my brain wanders to. Have a great week, everyone!
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Necessities
This past week, two of my dearest friends, Kelly Cahalin and Cat O'Brien, came to visit me in Rome. Kelly came all the way from Nepal, and Cat from Bhutan. They were both here quite a while, and it was so refreshing to see them. I wish I would've been able to work less to see them more, but I'm glad I got to see them at all.
I could go into detail about exactly how we spent our time, but instead, I'm going to talk about what struck me about seeing these two friends after we've had such diverse experiences over the last few years.
When Kelly first walked into her room at the Rome center, she was teary because she had running water, a nice bed, and electricity. It took a few days for that to sink in for me. I've never quite lived without those basic "necessities," or things I considered necessary. It's something I've been pondering over the last few days. What exactly is completely necessary in my life?
Cat came from Bhutan, which, admittedly, before she went there, I had never heard of. Inspired by her quest there, I've since done some research, and it's a really interesting place. It was made only more interesting by her recounting tales of her life and happenings there. Her experience was similar to Kelly's in that she was living much more simply. The contrast between Bhutan and the world at home that she was used to before going are astronomically different. I used to think that I had been living in very different experiences from what I was used to at home, and the more I think about those two, I feel like I haven't challenged myself nearly as much as I thought I had. I'm so unbelievably proud of those two, and in a weird way, I'm kind of jealous.
Seeing these two radically altered my perception of comfortability and normalcy. I have absolutely no idea what it's like to go without, to truly struggle. I thought I was thrusting myself out of my comfort Zone with Korea, but shit, I still had everything I needed at my finger tips. Their visit was a huge, huge privilege check, and I needed that.
Someday, I hope to push myself to those boundaries, to really not have everything readily available. I want to go without the comforts that I'm used to. I imagine both Kelly's and Cat's sense of self and empathy are far beyond what I could imagine. They can put themselves into another's shoes in a way that I can't; I have absolutely no idea what it's like to truly need for anything. I know what it's like to want for things, but that's generally pretty superficial. I wish I had money to travel all over the world, and I would really like a humidor for cigars. In the context of what I just said above, how incredibly stupid does that sound? I've got your answer: mindbogglingly.
Kelly works at an orphanage. In addition to her own everyday lack of comforts, she has a lot of children to worry about as well. Kelly knows I love her more than anything on the planets, but the one thing I definitely love most, is that I know that Kelly would give every single one of those kids running water or electricity before she gave it to herself. Selfless in every sense of the word. The same goes for Cat. She would've given anything to her students. I think true service of others is putting your boots on the ground and getting into the lives of those you wish to serve. Both of these friends have done that, and in my own way, I've engrained myself in the lives of my students to serve them. It's not in the same way, but drawing that comparison made me feel a bit less down about myself after comparing my last few years to those of my incredible friends. I do feel like I'm making a difference for someone, even if it isn't the most underserved population out there. My students are probably the opposite of underserved generally, and the sense of entitlement is often infuriating, but these students could cure cancer, or solve world hunger, or become president. I hope in my own way, that I'm contributing to the betterment of every student I meet.
I don't know that I'll ever have an experience similar to what Kelly or Cat has had. They are the type of people I aspire to be. They're the type of people I hope to meet every day and surround myself with. I'm lucky as hell to have them in my life. It's always refreshing to have reminders of the people in my life who are awesome. I've been noticing recently the selflessness of my coworkers, and their desire to help others (even if sometimes they're at their wits end). I've seen some radiant examples recently of their care for those around them. Every single day there's a reminder of the awesomeness around me, and I ought to start paying more attention to it.
I've gone on long enough I think. Cheers today and always to all of you who make each day worth waking up for. Ciao!
I could go into detail about exactly how we spent our time, but instead, I'm going to talk about what struck me about seeing these two friends after we've had such diverse experiences over the last few years.
When Kelly first walked into her room at the Rome center, she was teary because she had running water, a nice bed, and electricity. It took a few days for that to sink in for me. I've never quite lived without those basic "necessities," or things I considered necessary. It's something I've been pondering over the last few days. What exactly is completely necessary in my life?
Cat came from Bhutan, which, admittedly, before she went there, I had never heard of. Inspired by her quest there, I've since done some research, and it's a really interesting place. It was made only more interesting by her recounting tales of her life and happenings there. Her experience was similar to Kelly's in that she was living much more simply. The contrast between Bhutan and the world at home that she was used to before going are astronomically different. I used to think that I had been living in very different experiences from what I was used to at home, and the more I think about those two, I feel like I haven't challenged myself nearly as much as I thought I had. I'm so unbelievably proud of those two, and in a weird way, I'm kind of jealous.
Seeing these two radically altered my perception of comfortability and normalcy. I have absolutely no idea what it's like to go without, to truly struggle. I thought I was thrusting myself out of my comfort Zone with Korea, but shit, I still had everything I needed at my finger tips. Their visit was a huge, huge privilege check, and I needed that.
Someday, I hope to push myself to those boundaries, to really not have everything readily available. I want to go without the comforts that I'm used to. I imagine both Kelly's and Cat's sense of self and empathy are far beyond what I could imagine. They can put themselves into another's shoes in a way that I can't; I have absolutely no idea what it's like to truly need for anything. I know what it's like to want for things, but that's generally pretty superficial. I wish I had money to travel all over the world, and I would really like a humidor for cigars. In the context of what I just said above, how incredibly stupid does that sound? I've got your answer: mindbogglingly.
Kelly works at an orphanage. In addition to her own everyday lack of comforts, she has a lot of children to worry about as well. Kelly knows I love her more than anything on the planets, but the one thing I definitely love most, is that I know that Kelly would give every single one of those kids running water or electricity before she gave it to herself. Selfless in every sense of the word. The same goes for Cat. She would've given anything to her students. I think true service of others is putting your boots on the ground and getting into the lives of those you wish to serve. Both of these friends have done that, and in my own way, I've engrained myself in the lives of my students to serve them. It's not in the same way, but drawing that comparison made me feel a bit less down about myself after comparing my last few years to those of my incredible friends. I do feel like I'm making a difference for someone, even if it isn't the most underserved population out there. My students are probably the opposite of underserved generally, and the sense of entitlement is often infuriating, but these students could cure cancer, or solve world hunger, or become president. I hope in my own way, that I'm contributing to the betterment of every student I meet.
I don't know that I'll ever have an experience similar to what Kelly or Cat has had. They are the type of people I aspire to be. They're the type of people I hope to meet every day and surround myself with. I'm lucky as hell to have them in my life. It's always refreshing to have reminders of the people in my life who are awesome. I've been noticing recently the selflessness of my coworkers, and their desire to help others (even if sometimes they're at their wits end). I've seen some radiant examples recently of their care for those around them. Every single day there's a reminder of the awesomeness around me, and I ought to start paying more attention to it.
I've gone on long enough I think. Cheers today and always to all of you who make each day worth waking up for. Ciao!
Monday, February 1, 2016
Motivation, Recognition, & Appreciation
Much like my last post and many of the others before that, this one is stemming from one of my random midday thoughts that keeps me thinking for a large portion of the day. Today, I got to thinking about the motivation for why I do things and why we all do things. Maybe I'm just sensitive to it, but it seems like the topic of my religious beliefs has been coming up a lot lately. It's been pretty organic, but it occurred to me that a lot of people are probably good people because of the expectation of divine reward (whether in the afterlife, or in more favorable circumstances on earth). That's an interesting concept to me. Cat's out of the bag that I don't necessarily identify as religious, but I think there's something to be said for doing good things just for the sake of doing them, without any expectation of reward or recognition. I'm not saying that's something that I'm about all the time, but it's a nice thought, isn't it?
Everyone likes positive reinforcement. A pat on the back and a friendly recognition are always welcome. My question is, to what extent are we really doing things for ourself? We live in a culture where we post photos for the sake of getting likes. We alter our personalities online and offline to get noticed, and I'm just as guilty as the next person. However, I think it needs to be good enough to do things just because they should be done. Mature adults realize what's right and what's wrong, what has to be done and what doesn't. The best piece of advice I was ever given was from my high school athletic director. He said something to the effect of: "You can be the president or the janitor. If it's a Saturday and the toilet needs plunging, you should just do it." That's not necessarily something you're going to get recognition for, but there's something to be said for just doing it, for not being above any job, and not expecting that pat on the back afterward.
That said, it really sucks to do something that probably deserves a thank you, and then, you don't get it. If you hold a door for someone and they walk through without a word, you'll probably think them a rather rude person. So, is generosity a two-way street? Is it really a generous thing to do if you expect something in return? I think there's intrinsic value in generosity and in being generous with putting your time and efforts towards things. It feels really good to make someone else's day. That's value enough in a lot of cases.
I've been asked by a handful of students why I wanted to be an SLA, and I think that got my brain turning about why I do the things I do. Why am I here in Italy? I think it's a mix of selfish and unselfish reasons. I really do care about the students and their experience. However, Italy is personally rewarding right now, too. I can't pinpoint one reason why I'm here, and I think that motivations are generally a lot more complicated than one factor. It's interesting to try to dissect why I am where I am from an intrinsic point-of-view, though. It's something I think I'll be thinking about a lot in the future.
I think I've figured out a good balance of selfish and generosity. I think I do enjoy recognition as much as the next person, but I also do sometimes do things just for the sake of doing them. Sometimes I fish for likes or for the pat on the back, but sometimes, I do things just because they need to be done. It's a complex thought for me for some reason. Is doing things for the sake of the recognition wrong? I don't think it's wrong to be a good person because you expect divine reward; however, the idea of doing things selflessly to the point of not about rewards seems very noble to me. The best people I know are people who just give without expectation. They don't hold a debt in front of your face; they sneak attack you with donuts during the middle of your work day (that happened today, so it's a concrete example).
Anyway, I don't have much of a conclusion from all of these thoughts. It's more of a lingering question about why I do what I do, and why other people do what they do. If the end is the same (a good deed, or a beautiful photo online, or generosity of time and effort), do I need to question why I'm doing what I'm doing or why other people are? I'm willing to pat everyone on the back and recognize their good deeds if they do more of them. Those stories don't make the news though these days. Alas, I digress.
Kudos to you if you managed to make sense of any of that. Have a good one, pals.
Everyone likes positive reinforcement. A pat on the back and a friendly recognition are always welcome. My question is, to what extent are we really doing things for ourself? We live in a culture where we post photos for the sake of getting likes. We alter our personalities online and offline to get noticed, and I'm just as guilty as the next person. However, I think it needs to be good enough to do things just because they should be done. Mature adults realize what's right and what's wrong, what has to be done and what doesn't. The best piece of advice I was ever given was from my high school athletic director. He said something to the effect of: "You can be the president or the janitor. If it's a Saturday and the toilet needs plunging, you should just do it." That's not necessarily something you're going to get recognition for, but there's something to be said for just doing it, for not being above any job, and not expecting that pat on the back afterward.
That said, it really sucks to do something that probably deserves a thank you, and then, you don't get it. If you hold a door for someone and they walk through without a word, you'll probably think them a rather rude person. So, is generosity a two-way street? Is it really a generous thing to do if you expect something in return? I think there's intrinsic value in generosity and in being generous with putting your time and efforts towards things. It feels really good to make someone else's day. That's value enough in a lot of cases.
I've been asked by a handful of students why I wanted to be an SLA, and I think that got my brain turning about why I do the things I do. Why am I here in Italy? I think it's a mix of selfish and unselfish reasons. I really do care about the students and their experience. However, Italy is personally rewarding right now, too. I can't pinpoint one reason why I'm here, and I think that motivations are generally a lot more complicated than one factor. It's interesting to try to dissect why I am where I am from an intrinsic point-of-view, though. It's something I think I'll be thinking about a lot in the future.
I think I've figured out a good balance of selfish and generosity. I think I do enjoy recognition as much as the next person, but I also do sometimes do things just for the sake of doing them. Sometimes I fish for likes or for the pat on the back, but sometimes, I do things just because they need to be done. It's a complex thought for me for some reason. Is doing things for the sake of the recognition wrong? I don't think it's wrong to be a good person because you expect divine reward; however, the idea of doing things selflessly to the point of not about rewards seems very noble to me. The best people I know are people who just give without expectation. They don't hold a debt in front of your face; they sneak attack you with donuts during the middle of your work day (that happened today, so it's a concrete example).
Anyway, I don't have much of a conclusion from all of these thoughts. It's more of a lingering question about why I do what I do, and why other people do what they do. If the end is the same (a good deed, or a beautiful photo online, or generosity of time and effort), do I need to question why I'm doing what I'm doing or why other people are? I'm willing to pat everyone on the back and recognize their good deeds if they do more of them. Those stories don't make the news though these days. Alas, I digress.
Kudos to you if you managed to make sense of any of that. Have a good one, pals.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Independence
I spent five minutes or so just now thinking about the word independence. Did I get it when I moved off to college? Did I get it when I moved to Korea? Did I achieve it when I studied abroad? Independence has been something I've always talked loftily about. I consider myself an independent person. What exactly does that even mean?
It's taken me a while, but I think I've finally got it figured out. I also don't think I really was an independent person until after college. For me, independence means being okay with yourself before you take put yourself out there for others. It means being sure of yourself and having conviction, even if you mess up sometimes. It means being able to be alone without going stir crazy, and even enjoying it sometimes. I think that "being alone" part is pretty important, and it's something I often struggled with. There's a large difference between being alone and being lonely. At different points in my life, I often thought I was a lonely person for one reason or another. Toward the end of high school and early into college, I thought not being lonely meant having the acceptance of females. I thought it meant having a girlfriend. Later in college, I just hated being alone at all. I didn't like to be alone with my thoughts. By the time I was a senior, I was slowly starting to figure out that I needed to figure things out on my own before I brought other people into the picture.
There's always room for improvement as a person, but growing up is having some degree of knowledge of who you are, what you like and don't like, what you need to be sane, and what your authentic self is. That's independence. It doesn't mean you can do everything on your own, and I think I understand that more than ever. It means knowing when you need to depend on others. I think in order to truly give yourself to others, whether it be in friendships, relationships, or in service, you need to first work on knowing yourself. It wasn't really until after college that I first started to put into motion an effort to know myself and develop independence.
I started to realize that people were knowing me in a more real way. I didn't feel the need to put on fronts for people. I am what I am, and while it's a constant process, I know what my values are and who I want to be. It's easier for me to be truthful with people about who I am and what I want in life. I find that a lot of the friendships or relationships I've lost are really a result of me not having had any idea what was going on in my life or what my inward focus was. I realize now that it took being a little selfish and taking some time to myself to figure out what the hell I'm doing here on this planet of ours. I had countless trips alone out and about in Jeju, and I did a lot of self-discovery there. The pivotal point came to me with the help of Alex Boesch, who realized what I really wanted was to be in Rome, and he told me to stop putzing around and make myself happy. I finally started putting effort into figuring myself out, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.
I love being alone. I love doing things myself and feeling accomplished afterward. None of that is independence though. Independence is a base layer for throwing yourself out there to others. It's being able to do your own laundry and fight your own battles just because you know you can. It doesn't mean I have to do everything on my own or focus only on myself. It does mean that sometimes I do have to do things on my own, and sometimes I do need to focus on myself.
I've got goals, and I'm confident I'll reach them. I'm confident I have friends that truly know me and love me for the weirdass that I am. Everything is kind of clicking. While there's tough days as there always has been and will be, I feel more equipped to handle them than at any other moment in my life. Each day I'm feeling more and more equipped, and even though there will be bad days and there will be doubts, I'll bounce back because I'm totally capable.
That's about all I've got. A new group of students arrived, and I hope they're working on figuring out themselves. I'm working on a study trip to Bosnia and Serbia for March, and I'm super excited. It's going to be a quick and wonderful semester. Hope friends and family worldwide are doing well. Ciao.
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