Being back at where I studied abroad has afforded me somewhat of a unique opportunity for reflection. When I look at Rome and some of the situations I encounter here, it's hard not to think about the person I was four years ago and the person I am now. I often find myself feeling like my students are very young, but in the grand scheme of things, four years isn't so much of an age difference. I've been trying to figure out what exactly has changed in such a short time, and while my immediate response is, "Well, everything has changed," I think I'm able to boil it all down to one word: positivity.
When I was a student here at twenty, I think I was probably pretty difficult to be around. Not that I'm not sometimes now, but I think I was a lot more self-centered and a lot quicker to judge back then. Everything was negative to me. I can think of several specific instances as a student where I would get upset about things just for the sake of doing it. It seemed like the world was crashing down at the tiniest little problem, and I just wasn't ready to handle it. Now, I see similar attributes in some of my students. They're lost, and everything is amplified here. Everything is negative, and drama from home is creeping through the Internet to ruin their day.
Truthfully, I didn't much like myself then. I definitely hurt some people, and I can look back now and think of how foolish I was. I was seeking out the fault in people instead of trying to find the good. I was looking at adverse situations and instead of trying to repair them, I was selling $50 tickets to the pity party, and there weren't many takers. I don't know if it was some sort of defense mechanism, trying not to get hurt by keeping distance from people or something, but I remember very vividly writing people off over the most trivial things. It must've taken a lot of walking on top of a lot of good people to get me all the way up to my high horse.
I'm not saying I'm perfect now, but I'm a whole lot happier, and being back here in Rome sure has made me realize just how much I've changed. I try to find the best in everyone. I try to be as positive as I can, and I have so many great role models of positivity around me and all over the globe. Conversely, my tolerance for drama and negativity is at an all time low. It's just not something I want to be a part of my life. To be honest, Korea had its fair share of really negative situations, and I've done a good job of holding on to the positive growth I encountered there and carrying it here with me. I'm more adept at handling conflict, and I've done a lot of conflict handling in the first few months here while still maintaining my sanity and my positivity. It takes effort to try to remain positive sometimes, but it's the course I want to take, and realizing how fortunate I am to be here doing what I'm doing is often the first step.
I don't know if I'll ever be the type of person who always has a smile on their face. I look up to those people because they're a good reminder for me. There's rarely a good reason to let your day be ruined. I need to work still on ridding myself of complaining. It's so hard sometimes (see what I did there?). I'm not saying it's good to keep real things bottled up, especially not for me, but in the grand scheme of things, most of what I have to complain about is only a complaint because of a lack of positive outlook. For instance, today I realized I have to individually check-in and print 56 tickets for my upcoming study trip to Greece. My instinct was to say, "Really? That sucks so much." As the day went on, I saw a coworker's post about suffering refugees and another friend's post about another mass shooting, and I thought, "Well, I was an asshole earlier. I'm going to Greece for work, and I still found a way to complain." I think it's constant reminders to be positive and put things in perspective that have made me into more of the person I want to be.
This was one of those posts that I think I mostly needed to put into writing for myself. However, serious thanks to anyone who has supported me throughout my life into getting to this exact moment, sitting in a hotel in Rome, typing a blog post, thinking about how lucky I am.
A slightly late thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes. It was spent in Munich at Oktoberfest, and it was a blast. Thanks for reading as always, friends.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Becoming Home
The insanity of orientation is over. There were moments when I thought I would never be able to say that. It was a solid 2 to 3 weeks of 12-14 hour days, and I was pooped. I can finally relax and unwind.
HA. What a ruse. Relaxing and unwinding doesn't seem like it will be happening here unless I am traveling, which thankfully is coming up this week. Thursday, Pedro, Mike, and I are leaving to meet our friends Conor and Claire at Oktoberfest in Munich, and I can't wait. I desperately need the time off, and I think it is coming at the perfect time.
I'm really settling in here in Rome. My Italian is coming back slowly (okay, anyone here in Italy with me would correct me to say "very slowly"). I'm doing some exploring and figuring out a routine, and I'm getting the hang of the job. I planned a wine tasting at Eataly for 52 people on Tuesday of next week. I finalized all of the plans for the Greece study trip. Calcio has started, and I'm leading the team to victory (along with my student who is Spanish and used to play at an American college and scored 5 goals last week). I'm getting to know some folks at local businesses, and I'm getting to know the hotel staff very well.
I work more than I've ever worked in my life. I work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, and I also have duty 5 nights per week. Unfortunately, these don't match up, so I'm working every day just at different times. I have Monday and Tuesday nights off, and Saturday and Sunday days off. I am already going a bit stir crazy, but in a way, I was prepared for this with Korea, I think. It's difficult to live where you work, and it's easy to feel trapped. I felt it last year, and I've felt it at moments this year. Today, I went exploring in an area that my boss suggested called Ponte Milvio. I brought two students along, and we walked around a bit and went for tiramisu and french fries. It was a good relaxing day. Then, when I got back, I had a beer, smoked a cigar, played guitar, and talked with my friend Elly on the terrace. It was a solid evening backed by a solid day.
I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to call this place home for the next year and potentially longer. I need to keep going out and exploring. I need to find a way to barbecue if it's the last thing I do. The school has a fire inspection coming up, and afterwards, it's time for me to get a smoker. I need to keep doing things that stir me up. I love this city, and I need to keep making it about more than work, even if the main reason that I'm here is work.
I haven't really had time to be homesick, and as bad as it sounds, I just started really missing people in the last few days. My mind has just been so occupied with other things that I didn't have time for emotions. I'm sorry if I've been distant to those I usually keep in touch with, but it hasn't been very easy to do anything about up until now!
One of the tough things that comes with being so far away is missing things that matter to you. My good buddy Brett Stockmann is getting married in February, and he asked me to be a groomsman. I checked my work schedule, and it's just not possible to get home. It sucks to miss something so important. While I know he understands, I can't help but think that it's a letdown, and that many more of these situations will arise if this is the life I continue to want to lead.
I like the job. I like the students. I like where I'm living. I like my coworkers. I just need to keep those things in mind when the stress starts to mount. I need to separate the JFRC from Rome and go out and get to know it. I leave for a stress-free trip to Germany on Thursday, and I hope I come back rejuvenated and ready to roll.
Besides all of that, not too terribly much to report. Life's good. The food and wine are a bit too good. Cheers to hoping I'm not 20 pounds heavier next time you see me. Thanks for reading.
HA. What a ruse. Relaxing and unwinding doesn't seem like it will be happening here unless I am traveling, which thankfully is coming up this week. Thursday, Pedro, Mike, and I are leaving to meet our friends Conor and Claire at Oktoberfest in Munich, and I can't wait. I desperately need the time off, and I think it is coming at the perfect time.
I'm really settling in here in Rome. My Italian is coming back slowly (okay, anyone here in Italy with me would correct me to say "very slowly"). I'm doing some exploring and figuring out a routine, and I'm getting the hang of the job. I planned a wine tasting at Eataly for 52 people on Tuesday of next week. I finalized all of the plans for the Greece study trip. Calcio has started, and I'm leading the team to victory (along with my student who is Spanish and used to play at an American college and scored 5 goals last week). I'm getting to know some folks at local businesses, and I'm getting to know the hotel staff very well.
I work more than I've ever worked in my life. I work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, and I also have duty 5 nights per week. Unfortunately, these don't match up, so I'm working every day just at different times. I have Monday and Tuesday nights off, and Saturday and Sunday days off. I am already going a bit stir crazy, but in a way, I was prepared for this with Korea, I think. It's difficult to live where you work, and it's easy to feel trapped. I felt it last year, and I've felt it at moments this year. Today, I went exploring in an area that my boss suggested called Ponte Milvio. I brought two students along, and we walked around a bit and went for tiramisu and french fries. It was a good relaxing day. Then, when I got back, I had a beer, smoked a cigar, played guitar, and talked with my friend Elly on the terrace. It was a solid evening backed by a solid day.
I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to call this place home for the next year and potentially longer. I need to keep going out and exploring. I need to find a way to barbecue if it's the last thing I do. The school has a fire inspection coming up, and afterwards, it's time for me to get a smoker. I need to keep doing things that stir me up. I love this city, and I need to keep making it about more than work, even if the main reason that I'm here is work.
I haven't really had time to be homesick, and as bad as it sounds, I just started really missing people in the last few days. My mind has just been so occupied with other things that I didn't have time for emotions. I'm sorry if I've been distant to those I usually keep in touch with, but it hasn't been very easy to do anything about up until now!
One of the tough things that comes with being so far away is missing things that matter to you. My good buddy Brett Stockmann is getting married in February, and he asked me to be a groomsman. I checked my work schedule, and it's just not possible to get home. It sucks to miss something so important. While I know he understands, I can't help but think that it's a letdown, and that many more of these situations will arise if this is the life I continue to want to lead.
I like the job. I like the students. I like where I'm living. I like my coworkers. I just need to keep those things in mind when the stress starts to mount. I need to separate the JFRC from Rome and go out and get to know it. I leave for a stress-free trip to Germany on Thursday, and I hope I come back rejuvenated and ready to roll.
Besides all of that, not too terribly much to report. Life's good. The food and wine are a bit too good. Cheers to hoping I'm not 20 pounds heavier next time you see me. Thanks for reading.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Ho Dimenticato La Mia Carta Nella Mia Camera
I haven't written all summer! For that, I am terribly sorry. I enjoyed the last bit of New Zealand and flew home from my year in Korea, leaving with Mikey for a road trip around the western states the day after I arrived back in the USA. Mikey and I started in Chicago, went to a bunch of national parks, to see Katie Bell, to the Grand Canyon, and to a whole bunch of other places. I would cover that all more in depth, but after 2 weeks home and my sister's engagement party and training in Chicago and moving to Rome, I kind of missed the boat on that I think.
Being in Rome, as far as the city itself, feels like I never left. We went to the Spanish Steps as a staff before the students arrived, and I was amazed at how familiar it felt. The same dudes trying to sell you things. The same idiots getting yelled at by cops for reaching into the fountain. The same smells and sights and sounds. It all came back so quickly. My Italian is coming back a bit more slowly, but hopefully I'll continue to improve as the year goes on.
The first 27 students, our freshmen, arrived about a week and a half ago. The rest came a few days ago. My schedule has been non-stop since I got here! It's been waking up at 7am, staying up til midnight or later, working the whole time. I'm somehow not going insane yet. I love the work, and I love the people I'm with, and once orientation finishes, I'm going to take a much needed personal day into things settling down a bit.
I'm living in a hotel with 51 students, and so far it's going well. They're all still super disoriented and confused about the city and the school, which is understandable. I remember those days well. Right now, it's helping them with the simplest of tasks, and I can't wait for them to come into their element here. I haven't had a ton of time to explore since being back, but I'm looking forward to time off. I fear the hotel will never really feel like a home for me, but the perks of breakfast and room cleaning are very nice!
I've gotten myself sick over the last few days, and on top of the long work days, I'm officially tired. The title of this post refers to a story that my mom and grandmother will love, because it's very like something they themselves would do. It very much involves how tired I was. Last night, I forgot my room key for the hotel on campus (it's a simple swipe card, so it's easy to replace). I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, no problem.
Then, I had to hang some decorations on the students' doors. I did so, and when I wanted to go to my room after, I realized I had left my card inside of my room. I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, we laughed, and I went to my room.
Then, I had to talk to one of my students who hadn't filled out his waivers. Again, I forgot my card in my room. Same lady, and by this point, she thinks I'm drunk or losing it. I decided I've probably had enough feeling stupid for one day, and I'm feeling sickly, so I decide to go to bed. I shower, brush my teeth, and get into bed. I fall asleep for thirty minutes.
A student knocks on my door. 12:30am. "Ryan, my card doesn't work. What do I do?" I tell her to ask the front desk, and I'm sleepy and disoriented. "I don't know how to say it in Italian, though!" I put on some shoes and walk her down to the desk. "Her card isn't working," I say in Italian. A quick fix, and we're on our way back up to the rooms. I get to my door, check my pockets, and sure enough, I left my own room key inside. It was the most miserably embarrassing walk of shame down to my room to ask for another one. "Ho dimenticato la mia carta nella mia camera... ancora..." I forgot my card in my room... again... The desk receptionist and I had a hearty laugh, and I told her that I am sick, tired, and going completely insane. She definitely believes the last of those to be true.
My complete airheadedness aside, life is great. This job is truly my dream job. I feel like I'm already contributing to the students' experience. I feel like the team we have as a staff is going to work really well. I feel content. I feel like I've accomplished something in being here. I feel the wiggle room for me to grow. So far, I have no complaints, not even the long days or the sickness.
It feels very different than when I was a student here. It's a lot of familiar faces, but a lot of different ones, too. Campus is physically different. I'm working, not studying. It's amazing how much I've personally changed since I was here in college. I feel old, even though I know I'm still just a young man with a lot more to see and do.
Having Pedro here, my friend and now colleague who I went to college with, is so different, but so great. I never got to experience this place with someone so close to me, and it makes me feel really at home having him here. He also really knows what the hell he's doing with this job, so he's been a great guide for me. My biggest fear is not living up to expectations with the job, and I'm doing everything I can to excel.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Biggest news so far for me is that I'm taking 50 students to Greece over Fall Break! It's going to be so great. I am really enjoying starting to work on planning it. It's going to be one hell of a year on all fronts. Thanks for reading, and ciao for now!
Being in Rome, as far as the city itself, feels like I never left. We went to the Spanish Steps as a staff before the students arrived, and I was amazed at how familiar it felt. The same dudes trying to sell you things. The same idiots getting yelled at by cops for reaching into the fountain. The same smells and sights and sounds. It all came back so quickly. My Italian is coming back a bit more slowly, but hopefully I'll continue to improve as the year goes on.
The first 27 students, our freshmen, arrived about a week and a half ago. The rest came a few days ago. My schedule has been non-stop since I got here! It's been waking up at 7am, staying up til midnight or later, working the whole time. I'm somehow not going insane yet. I love the work, and I love the people I'm with, and once orientation finishes, I'm going to take a much needed personal day into things settling down a bit.
I'm living in a hotel with 51 students, and so far it's going well. They're all still super disoriented and confused about the city and the school, which is understandable. I remember those days well. Right now, it's helping them with the simplest of tasks, and I can't wait for them to come into their element here. I haven't had a ton of time to explore since being back, but I'm looking forward to time off. I fear the hotel will never really feel like a home for me, but the perks of breakfast and room cleaning are very nice!
I've gotten myself sick over the last few days, and on top of the long work days, I'm officially tired. The title of this post refers to a story that my mom and grandmother will love, because it's very like something they themselves would do. It very much involves how tired I was. Last night, I forgot my room key for the hotel on campus (it's a simple swipe card, so it's easy to replace). I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, no problem.
Then, I had to hang some decorations on the students' doors. I did so, and when I wanted to go to my room after, I realized I had left my card inside of my room. I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, we laughed, and I went to my room.
Then, I had to talk to one of my students who hadn't filled out his waivers. Again, I forgot my card in my room. Same lady, and by this point, she thinks I'm drunk or losing it. I decided I've probably had enough feeling stupid for one day, and I'm feeling sickly, so I decide to go to bed. I shower, brush my teeth, and get into bed. I fall asleep for thirty minutes.
A student knocks on my door. 12:30am. "Ryan, my card doesn't work. What do I do?" I tell her to ask the front desk, and I'm sleepy and disoriented. "I don't know how to say it in Italian, though!" I put on some shoes and walk her down to the desk. "Her card isn't working," I say in Italian. A quick fix, and we're on our way back up to the rooms. I get to my door, check my pockets, and sure enough, I left my own room key inside. It was the most miserably embarrassing walk of shame down to my room to ask for another one. "Ho dimenticato la mia carta nella mia camera... ancora..." I forgot my card in my room... again... The desk receptionist and I had a hearty laugh, and I told her that I am sick, tired, and going completely insane. She definitely believes the last of those to be true.
My complete airheadedness aside, life is great. This job is truly my dream job. I feel like I'm already contributing to the students' experience. I feel like the team we have as a staff is going to work really well. I feel content. I feel like I've accomplished something in being here. I feel the wiggle room for me to grow. So far, I have no complaints, not even the long days or the sickness.
It feels very different than when I was a student here. It's a lot of familiar faces, but a lot of different ones, too. Campus is physically different. I'm working, not studying. It's amazing how much I've personally changed since I was here in college. I feel old, even though I know I'm still just a young man with a lot more to see and do.
Having Pedro here, my friend and now colleague who I went to college with, is so different, but so great. I never got to experience this place with someone so close to me, and it makes me feel really at home having him here. He also really knows what the hell he's doing with this job, so he's been a great guide for me. My biggest fear is not living up to expectations with the job, and I'm doing everything I can to excel.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Biggest news so far for me is that I'm taking 50 students to Greece over Fall Break! It's going to be so great. I am really enjoying starting to work on planning it. It's going to be one hell of a year on all fronts. Thanks for reading, and ciao for now!
Friday, June 26, 2015
Pause
Yo! Much of this will be for my own memory since I don't have a notebook with me, but I hope it's interesting for you all. I'm writing from New Zealand, and life is good! First, a small chronology of my post-Jeju travels thus far.
June 13: fly Jeju to Seoul. Meet Jim Welp, Ben Welp, and Bill Richeson. Partying commences. Bill and I go out until 5am and meet up with Emily and Sam MacLean.
June 14: Hang out and do Korean stuff.
June 15: visit traditional Korean vestments parlor, eat good foods, drink good drinks. Wallow in Korea nostalgia.
June 16: miss my check-in time for flight to Sydney. Buy new flight to Sydney. Fly overnight to Sydney.
June 17: Wake up in Australia. Go to hostel. Receive message from Jack Sellman that he's staying at the hostel across the street from mine. Walk along harbor in Sydney. Take opera house tour. See Lore dance show at Opera House at night. Sit next to British guy named Connor who is by chance staying at the same hostel as me. Go out with him and other folks from the hostel.
June 18: meet Sam DeVice, her mom, and her mom's Australian friends for harbor lunch cruise. Go with Sam to aquarium. Drink beer and eat pizza. Go out.
June 19: Jack Sellman and I go for lunch and end up galavanting around town together. We go to the Skydeck of the Sydney tower and do the Skywalk on the outside of the tower. Terrifying. End up at bar attached to my hostel. Dance the night away.
June 20: hang more with Jack. Go shopping and have lunch. Take evening bus to Newcastle. Chill at hostel for the night.
June 21: walk out by Newcastle beach and watch dolphins for a few hours. Walk the whole coast, go back and shower, have dinner and go to a craft beer place, turn in early.
June 22: final day in Newcastle. Walk all the way down Hunter St. and see cool shops and such. Very bohemian. Quite enjoy it. Eat a nice dinner and turn in early.
June 23: catch early flight to Melbourne. Go to hostel, rent a bike, ride around South Melbourne and to the port. Come back, go to trivia night with people from hostel, turn in early.
June 24: bum around at Forgotten Soldier memorial and botanical garden. Meet Liam (a friend I met traveling in Prague last summer) for dinner and beers. Go to night market. Meet Erin, a friend who I met in Ireland last summer. Go out with her and her friends.
June 25: fly to Auckland. Arrive at 6pm, pick up car begin driving to Hobbiton. 45 minutes away from Auckland, GPS dies, moment of panic. Stop at gas station, cigarette lighter in car for power doesn't work. Follow signs back to Auckland airport car rental, sleep in parking lot.
June 26: get the car swapped out easily. Drive to Hobbiton. Beautiful green rolling hills and mountains for the drive. Hobbiton is sick. Drive to Rotorua and go zorbing. Check into a hostel because I'm tired as hell and don't want to drive any further. Check out the lake. Have a pork belly sandwich. Retire to hostel for relaxing.
It's been a hell of a trip so far! I've got 5 days left and then I'll be home for 24 hours before embarking on my road trip with Mikey. I'm going to be ready to settle down by the time I get to Rome! Some reoccurring thoughts I've had during the travels:
1. "Holy smokes, do I even comprehend how lucky I am?"
2. "I'm really freaking lucky."
3. "I miss Jeju and friends."
4. "I love these accents!"
5. "Driving on the left side of the road? It doesn't make sense."
That's about all I have to say for travels. It's been rad. I'm currently at my hostel in a room where 4 Germans are watching Crazy Stupid Love. So that's interesting. Going to wake up tomorrow and drive to Lake Taupo. No idea what I'm doing from there.
I titled this post "Pause" for a few reasons. First, I just wanted to remind myself to take the time to look at my life and at this year and this trip and reflect on it all. It's important to pause to do that. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about trying to slow myself down amidst all of the craziness right now. I need to stop and realize just how incredibly lucky I am to live the life I am living. It feels good to acknowledge that.
Another thing that has made me think of pausing is a current trend I've seen online that I really like, most boldly embodied in my good friend, mentor, and former teacher, Frank Corley. People, including Frank, are getting semicolon tattoos for suicide awareness. It symbolizes that something could've ended (a sentence, or a life in the metaphor), but it didn't. It was just a pause and then a moving forward.
In the metaphor, the focus is on the moving forward part, and that is really important. I see the pause as equally important. Whether it's a suicide attempt or just taking a moment to pause and realize your flaws, you have to have that moment in the first place to be able to move forward from it. It's not something you should necessarily be rid of entirely. I'll use my own experience as an example.
Anyone who knows me knows that this current pace I'm going at is my norm. I rarely slow down, and socially, I'm always going in a hundred different directions. Senior year of college in the fall, I started to act a lot less like myself. I had ten thousand reasons to be happy. I was dating a great girl who I remain good friends with; I had great friends; I was ready for graduation and doing well in school. Despite all that, I didn't feel like I could find reasons to be happy. I found this weird rut of self-loathing and self-doubt that was really uncharacteristic of the self that I knew. I scrutinized everything about myself from my weight, to my performance at work, to just about every word that came out of my mouth. It all hit a head when I started feeling like I wasn't fit to live or wanted around by anyone. I started thinking about whether the world would even realize I was gone.
I was lucky enough to realize at that point how out of character it was, and I went to see my doctor, who suggested I start taking antidepressants and vitamin D supplements. It's seemed to help, and I've continued taking them since. I feel like myself again, and it was my being able to pause and realize something was wrong. I'm thankful for the pause, even if it sucked at the time. It's me, and I like me.
This year, I've been finding myself taking pictures of things that are broken. There was a broken bridge at the DMZ, broken trees like crazy, a wilted flower here and there, a broken dock in Melbourne this week, and several other fine examples. I think the point I'm getting at is that there's beauty in broken things, and at some point, we're all going to encounter that pause, no matter what form it comes in, and we'll have to decide whether to make it a semicolon or a period. We're all a little broken, but I think everyone's a little beautiful, too. Pauses can be good. I've learned a lot about myself by admitting I needed a little bit of help. Nobody can do it alone, after all, and I think I'm a better person as a result of dealing with some personal struggle.
If you ever find that the world is getting to be a little too much, I urge you to make that pause a semicolon and not a period. Your problems aren't petty, and especially if they're uncharacteristic, it takes the help of others to get you back to base level. Reach out to me. I'll get to WiFi faster than you can spell "WiFi" and Skype you and help you make it through the day. Don't go giving up. Life's a beautiful thing, and as I sit here in New Zealand, one of the luckiest guys I know in one of the most beautiful places on earth, I'm very acutely aware of that.
Anyway, I got a little soap box-ish there, but I think it's important that people acknowledge that no one expects you to be perfect. Occasionally, I'll have friends say things like, "Your life is perfect," or, "You do so many cool things!" While I appreciate the sentiment, it's easy to make life look good through Facebook and Instagram. You only see what I want you to see after all. Honestly, life is really good, but I hope that acknowledging some personal struggle in a public way will reinforce to you all that everyone struggles, and everyone encounters pauses and problems. I'm trying every day to take the negatives and turn them into positives and let them shape who I am.
Enough is enough for the evening. A long day of driving tomorrow. If you'll be in Chicago August 6, I would love to see you all at a benefit for my brother Brad Zandstra who is struggling through his second battle with cancer and is in the thick of chemo right now. He could really use our help, as the costs really add up. The links to the event page and the donation page if you can't make it are below. Goodnight, all!
https://www.facebook.com/events/114589755543548/
http://www.gofundme.com/xha8us
June 13: fly Jeju to Seoul. Meet Jim Welp, Ben Welp, and Bill Richeson. Partying commences. Bill and I go out until 5am and meet up with Emily and Sam MacLean.
June 14: Hang out and do Korean stuff.
June 15: visit traditional Korean vestments parlor, eat good foods, drink good drinks. Wallow in Korea nostalgia.
June 16: miss my check-in time for flight to Sydney. Buy new flight to Sydney. Fly overnight to Sydney.
June 17: Wake up in Australia. Go to hostel. Receive message from Jack Sellman that he's staying at the hostel across the street from mine. Walk along harbor in Sydney. Take opera house tour. See Lore dance show at Opera House at night. Sit next to British guy named Connor who is by chance staying at the same hostel as me. Go out with him and other folks from the hostel.
June 18: meet Sam DeVice, her mom, and her mom's Australian friends for harbor lunch cruise. Go with Sam to aquarium. Drink beer and eat pizza. Go out.
June 19: Jack Sellman and I go for lunch and end up galavanting around town together. We go to the Skydeck of the Sydney tower and do the Skywalk on the outside of the tower. Terrifying. End up at bar attached to my hostel. Dance the night away.
June 20: hang more with Jack. Go shopping and have lunch. Take evening bus to Newcastle. Chill at hostel for the night.
June 21: walk out by Newcastle beach and watch dolphins for a few hours. Walk the whole coast, go back and shower, have dinner and go to a craft beer place, turn in early.
June 22: final day in Newcastle. Walk all the way down Hunter St. and see cool shops and such. Very bohemian. Quite enjoy it. Eat a nice dinner and turn in early.
June 23: catch early flight to Melbourne. Go to hostel, rent a bike, ride around South Melbourne and to the port. Come back, go to trivia night with people from hostel, turn in early.
June 24: bum around at Forgotten Soldier memorial and botanical garden. Meet Liam (a friend I met traveling in Prague last summer) for dinner and beers. Go to night market. Meet Erin, a friend who I met in Ireland last summer. Go out with her and her friends.
June 25: fly to Auckland. Arrive at 6pm, pick up car begin driving to Hobbiton. 45 minutes away from Auckland, GPS dies, moment of panic. Stop at gas station, cigarette lighter in car for power doesn't work. Follow signs back to Auckland airport car rental, sleep in parking lot.
June 26: get the car swapped out easily. Drive to Hobbiton. Beautiful green rolling hills and mountains for the drive. Hobbiton is sick. Drive to Rotorua and go zorbing. Check into a hostel because I'm tired as hell and don't want to drive any further. Check out the lake. Have a pork belly sandwich. Retire to hostel for relaxing.
It's been a hell of a trip so far! I've got 5 days left and then I'll be home for 24 hours before embarking on my road trip with Mikey. I'm going to be ready to settle down by the time I get to Rome! Some reoccurring thoughts I've had during the travels:
1. "Holy smokes, do I even comprehend how lucky I am?"
2. "I'm really freaking lucky."
3. "I miss Jeju and friends."
4. "I love these accents!"
5. "Driving on the left side of the road? It doesn't make sense."
That's about all I have to say for travels. It's been rad. I'm currently at my hostel in a room where 4 Germans are watching Crazy Stupid Love. So that's interesting. Going to wake up tomorrow and drive to Lake Taupo. No idea what I'm doing from there.
I titled this post "Pause" for a few reasons. First, I just wanted to remind myself to take the time to look at my life and at this year and this trip and reflect on it all. It's important to pause to do that. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about trying to slow myself down amidst all of the craziness right now. I need to stop and realize just how incredibly lucky I am to live the life I am living. It feels good to acknowledge that.
Another thing that has made me think of pausing is a current trend I've seen online that I really like, most boldly embodied in my good friend, mentor, and former teacher, Frank Corley. People, including Frank, are getting semicolon tattoos for suicide awareness. It symbolizes that something could've ended (a sentence, or a life in the metaphor), but it didn't. It was just a pause and then a moving forward.
In the metaphor, the focus is on the moving forward part, and that is really important. I see the pause as equally important. Whether it's a suicide attempt or just taking a moment to pause and realize your flaws, you have to have that moment in the first place to be able to move forward from it. It's not something you should necessarily be rid of entirely. I'll use my own experience as an example.
Anyone who knows me knows that this current pace I'm going at is my norm. I rarely slow down, and socially, I'm always going in a hundred different directions. Senior year of college in the fall, I started to act a lot less like myself. I had ten thousand reasons to be happy. I was dating a great girl who I remain good friends with; I had great friends; I was ready for graduation and doing well in school. Despite all that, I didn't feel like I could find reasons to be happy. I found this weird rut of self-loathing and self-doubt that was really uncharacteristic of the self that I knew. I scrutinized everything about myself from my weight, to my performance at work, to just about every word that came out of my mouth. It all hit a head when I started feeling like I wasn't fit to live or wanted around by anyone. I started thinking about whether the world would even realize I was gone.
I was lucky enough to realize at that point how out of character it was, and I went to see my doctor, who suggested I start taking antidepressants and vitamin D supplements. It's seemed to help, and I've continued taking them since. I feel like myself again, and it was my being able to pause and realize something was wrong. I'm thankful for the pause, even if it sucked at the time. It's me, and I like me.
This year, I've been finding myself taking pictures of things that are broken. There was a broken bridge at the DMZ, broken trees like crazy, a wilted flower here and there, a broken dock in Melbourne this week, and several other fine examples. I think the point I'm getting at is that there's beauty in broken things, and at some point, we're all going to encounter that pause, no matter what form it comes in, and we'll have to decide whether to make it a semicolon or a period. We're all a little broken, but I think everyone's a little beautiful, too. Pauses can be good. I've learned a lot about myself by admitting I needed a little bit of help. Nobody can do it alone, after all, and I think I'm a better person as a result of dealing with some personal struggle.
If you ever find that the world is getting to be a little too much, I urge you to make that pause a semicolon and not a period. Your problems aren't petty, and especially if they're uncharacteristic, it takes the help of others to get you back to base level. Reach out to me. I'll get to WiFi faster than you can spell "WiFi" and Skype you and help you make it through the day. Don't go giving up. Life's a beautiful thing, and as I sit here in New Zealand, one of the luckiest guys I know in one of the most beautiful places on earth, I'm very acutely aware of that.
Anyway, I got a little soap box-ish there, but I think it's important that people acknowledge that no one expects you to be perfect. Occasionally, I'll have friends say things like, "Your life is perfect," or, "You do so many cool things!" While I appreciate the sentiment, it's easy to make life look good through Facebook and Instagram. You only see what I want you to see after all. Honestly, life is really good, but I hope that acknowledging some personal struggle in a public way will reinforce to you all that everyone struggles, and everyone encounters pauses and problems. I'm trying every day to take the negatives and turn them into positives and let them shape who I am.
Enough is enough for the evening. A long day of driving tomorrow. If you'll be in Chicago August 6, I would love to see you all at a benefit for my brother Brad Zandstra who is struggling through his second battle with cancer and is in the thick of chemo right now. He could really use our help, as the costs really add up. The links to the event page and the donation page if you can't make it are below. Goodnight, all!
https://www.facebook.com/events/114589755543548/
http://www.gofundme.com/xha8us
Monday, June 15, 2015
The Journey Continues
"What we do now echoes in eternity." -- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Alas, my journey in Korea is at an end. I leave tomorrow for a 2 week adventure in Australia and New Zealand, and I am really sad to be going. I said the last of the goodbyes to friends today, and it admittedly hurts a lot. I'm really lucky to have had these last few days in Seoul with friends I've made at all different points in my life. Jim and Ben Welp and Bill Richeson, dear friends who are all related in various ways to my friend Laura Welp, came from all over the world for a visit. Sam and Emily Maclean, two really awesome world travelers who I met in Prague are working in Korea now, and we went out for a night and caught up. A good handful of my coworkers were here too. It was the most fitting sendoff I could have possibly imagined, and I enjoyed everyone around me so much.
I finally admitted to myself tonight that it's the end. I took the night off from going out and stayed in to process my thoughts, and I went for a nice walk in Hongdae to get my last taste of Korea. It's been great, but it's over, and an incredible next chapter is ahead.
With that next chapter, The Jeju Chronicles end, and a new blog is born. I started this past year in Jeju by reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. It's full of great wisdom and advice, but the quote above really resonated with me. What we do now in this life, in all of these singular little moments, leaves an impression on the world. What you do with your life isn't a waste, and it doesn't go with you to your grave. The people you affect in your life, and the people you meet and change as they change you, all resonate into the cosmos of infinity. Each action has a consequence leading to a subsequent action and consequence. My life since college has lead me to believe so firmly that things happen exactly as they are supposed to, and in the only way that they ever could. I'm not saying that our lives are predetermined for us, just that things tend to have some crazy way of working out, and that our actions truly define us. What we do leads us to who we are, and while that might sound like a bunch of mindless rambling, it's become somewhat of a creed (I miss you, Lucas Dines) for me. I control my own future. I met Emily and Sam in Prague last year, and it really felt full circle when I saw them here in Korea. I felt some weird interconnectedness and purpose to the crazy night of dancing we had. I hadn't seen Jim or Ben in 2 years or so, and here we were in Korea exploring and having a great time. It felt like things had to go exactly as they have. It was too perfect. This whole year and its ending make me feel like I'm going in the right direction with my life.
Thus, I chose this title for my blog. I suppose it's also very fitting that I'm headed to Rome and Marcus Aurelius was a Roman! It's a bit more versatile than The Jeju Chronicles, so it can last to Rome and beyond. Maybe I'll be lucky enough for my words to truly make an impression at some point for someone somewhere, and they shall echo into eternity. One can only hope. As always, thanks for reading, and I'll try to work in an update about Australia and New Zealand when I'm home before I leave to road trip with Mikey. Have a great June, everybody!
-Ryan
Alas, my journey in Korea is at an end. I leave tomorrow for a 2 week adventure in Australia and New Zealand, and I am really sad to be going. I said the last of the goodbyes to friends today, and it admittedly hurts a lot. I'm really lucky to have had these last few days in Seoul with friends I've made at all different points in my life. Jim and Ben Welp and Bill Richeson, dear friends who are all related in various ways to my friend Laura Welp, came from all over the world for a visit. Sam and Emily Maclean, two really awesome world travelers who I met in Prague are working in Korea now, and we went out for a night and caught up. A good handful of my coworkers were here too. It was the most fitting sendoff I could have possibly imagined, and I enjoyed everyone around me so much.
I finally admitted to myself tonight that it's the end. I took the night off from going out and stayed in to process my thoughts, and I went for a nice walk in Hongdae to get my last taste of Korea. It's been great, but it's over, and an incredible next chapter is ahead.
With that next chapter, The Jeju Chronicles end, and a new blog is born. I started this past year in Jeju by reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. It's full of great wisdom and advice, but the quote above really resonated with me. What we do now in this life, in all of these singular little moments, leaves an impression on the world. What you do with your life isn't a waste, and it doesn't go with you to your grave. The people you affect in your life, and the people you meet and change as they change you, all resonate into the cosmos of infinity. Each action has a consequence leading to a subsequent action and consequence. My life since college has lead me to believe so firmly that things happen exactly as they are supposed to, and in the only way that they ever could. I'm not saying that our lives are predetermined for us, just that things tend to have some crazy way of working out, and that our actions truly define us. What we do leads us to who we are, and while that might sound like a bunch of mindless rambling, it's become somewhat of a creed (I miss you, Lucas Dines) for me. I control my own future. I met Emily and Sam in Prague last year, and it really felt full circle when I saw them here in Korea. I felt some weird interconnectedness and purpose to the crazy night of dancing we had. I hadn't seen Jim or Ben in 2 years or so, and here we were in Korea exploring and having a great time. It felt like things had to go exactly as they have. It was too perfect. This whole year and its ending make me feel like I'm going in the right direction with my life.
Thus, I chose this title for my blog. I suppose it's also very fitting that I'm headed to Rome and Marcus Aurelius was a Roman! It's a bit more versatile than The Jeju Chronicles, so it can last to Rome and beyond. Maybe I'll be lucky enough for my words to truly make an impression at some point for someone somewhere, and they shall echo into eternity. One can only hope. As always, thanks for reading, and I'll try to work in an update about Australia and New Zealand when I'm home before I leave to road trip with Mikey. Have a great June, everybody!
-Ryan
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Goodbye, Jeju.
Dear Jeju,
The time has come for me to depart from you, oh sweet, sunny island. It's been a year, and it's been quite lovely overall. You've given me peace, stability, friendship, and experience. You've given me natural beauty unlike anywhere else in the world. You've given me great food and pretty subpar drink. You've given me trials, and you've given me triumphs.
Undoubtedly, some of the fine people you've brought into my life will fade into obscurity, and some will remain friends for life. "Home is where the heart is," and I've found a home in this place. Whether it was my newfound hobby of smoking meat with my brother Lucas Dines, finding new music from Allison Ice on a long drive, paddle boarding with the Glynns, or getting shabu shabu with the whole Monday crew, these people and several others have wiggled into my heart. I have you to thank for that, Jeju.
I climbed the country's tallest mountains with you. I traveled all over Asia. I wished I was home. You saw me at my best, and you saw me at my broken. I do wish you would change your laws so that driving any vehicle on the roads in an intoxicated state is illegal, but I'll let it slide. You gave me my first taste of life after college, and you pointed me closer to my end goals. I'm grateful for that.
To be honest, I didn't have expectations when I first encountered you, Jeju. I knew too little about you to really have an informed opinion. Not having expectations allowed me to be ready for anything and to open myself to all you had to offer, and that makes me want to explore more places that I know little about. I am very grateful for that.
You've given me hope, and you've given me doubts. You've given me hope that I can survive and thrive in new places, and I think I want to keep encountering new places for a while. You've given me doubts that I can settle down any time soon, and that scares me. If I had a dime for every time I wondered what my life would be like in five years, I would have a lot of dimes. If I knew where I would be in five years, I wouldn't be working hard to get there.
You've given me Lazybox, Cafe Mayb, the roadside pork/jiggae place, American Sushi, shabu shabu, Sangbangsan, Sagye, Emart, GS25/CU, the fish and chips place by the beach, U-do, the Bonte Museum, and countless other places where I will forever have precious memories.
You gave me a wakeup call in the form of a motorcycle accident. Never have I been so acutely aware that I am mortal. It was terrible, but in the end, I learned a lot. You taught me that I shouldn't be reckless, but that doesn't mean I can't live life to its fullest potential.
You taught me to not take my education for granted. You taught me that not everyone I meet will be likeminded with me. You taught me that sometimes, it's better to keep my mouth shut. You reminded me what I want out of my life and what kind of man I want to be. You taught me that kids can suck so incredibly badly, but they can be pretty great, too. You taught me the value of fostering deep connections with folks, no matter where you are.
Hell, Jeju. I could go on for days. You've been a great gift to me. You've become a friend, and you've been a teacher unlike any other thus far in my life. Most of all, you taught me that somehow, some way, things have a weird way of working out. Life can look bleak, but it's not over until it's over. I'm more aware than ever of the need for perseverance, humility, and empathy.
Finally, you taught me what it means to truly miss family and friends. I'm one of the luckiest people I know, and I have so many relationships in my life that I would be lost without. It was an added bonus that you brought me more of those relationships to move forward from here with.
I'll send you postcards from Italy. I'll have to come back to see baby Dines and how incredible the GEC is in a few years. Thanks for everything. I'll miss you.
Goodbye, Jeju.
Love,
Ryan
The time has come for me to depart from you, oh sweet, sunny island. It's been a year, and it's been quite lovely overall. You've given me peace, stability, friendship, and experience. You've given me natural beauty unlike anywhere else in the world. You've given me great food and pretty subpar drink. You've given me trials, and you've given me triumphs.
Undoubtedly, some of the fine people you've brought into my life will fade into obscurity, and some will remain friends for life. "Home is where the heart is," and I've found a home in this place. Whether it was my newfound hobby of smoking meat with my brother Lucas Dines, finding new music from Allison Ice on a long drive, paddle boarding with the Glynns, or getting shabu shabu with the whole Monday crew, these people and several others have wiggled into my heart. I have you to thank for that, Jeju.
I climbed the country's tallest mountains with you. I traveled all over Asia. I wished I was home. You saw me at my best, and you saw me at my broken. I do wish you would change your laws so that driving any vehicle on the roads in an intoxicated state is illegal, but I'll let it slide. You gave me my first taste of life after college, and you pointed me closer to my end goals. I'm grateful for that.
To be honest, I didn't have expectations when I first encountered you, Jeju. I knew too little about you to really have an informed opinion. Not having expectations allowed me to be ready for anything and to open myself to all you had to offer, and that makes me want to explore more places that I know little about. I am very grateful for that.
You've given me hope, and you've given me doubts. You've given me hope that I can survive and thrive in new places, and I think I want to keep encountering new places for a while. You've given me doubts that I can settle down any time soon, and that scares me. If I had a dime for every time I wondered what my life would be like in five years, I would have a lot of dimes. If I knew where I would be in five years, I wouldn't be working hard to get there.
You've given me Lazybox, Cafe Mayb, the roadside pork/jiggae place, American Sushi, shabu shabu, Sangbangsan, Sagye, Emart, GS25/CU, the fish and chips place by the beach, U-do, the Bonte Museum, and countless other places where I will forever have precious memories.
You gave me a wakeup call in the form of a motorcycle accident. Never have I been so acutely aware that I am mortal. It was terrible, but in the end, I learned a lot. You taught me that I shouldn't be reckless, but that doesn't mean I can't live life to its fullest potential.
You taught me to not take my education for granted. You taught me that not everyone I meet will be likeminded with me. You taught me that sometimes, it's better to keep my mouth shut. You reminded me what I want out of my life and what kind of man I want to be. You taught me that kids can suck so incredibly badly, but they can be pretty great, too. You taught me the value of fostering deep connections with folks, no matter where you are.
Hell, Jeju. I could go on for days. You've been a great gift to me. You've become a friend, and you've been a teacher unlike any other thus far in my life. Most of all, you taught me that somehow, some way, things have a weird way of working out. Life can look bleak, but it's not over until it's over. I'm more aware than ever of the need for perseverance, humility, and empathy.
Finally, you taught me what it means to truly miss family and friends. I'm one of the luckiest people I know, and I have so many relationships in my life that I would be lost without. It was an added bonus that you brought me more of those relationships to move forward from here with.
I'll send you postcards from Italy. I'll have to come back to see baby Dines and how incredible the GEC is in a few years. Thanks for everything. I'll miss you.
Goodbye, Jeju.
Love,
Ryan
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Wrapping Up The Year
With a such a large transition approaching, I've been uncharacteristically calm and collected, going through my daily business and preparing to leave Korea. I tend to think for extended periods of time before falling asleep, and last night was no exception. Sometimes I have great thoughts, and I really process my day or my relationships or my inner workings. Last night, I didn't have any fun thoughts. Instead, the second I laid down in my bed, the full weight of the next few months hit me like a brick.
I leave Jeju in exactly one week. It's almost a year to the day that I found out I got the job here. I interviewed in my friend Jake's bed room from his house in the suburbs of Chicago, and a few days later, I found out I was going to a place I had never even heard of. A month and a half later, I was here.
And, now, I'm here still, with a little over a week left, and only a few days left with the students. Where has the year gone? It decided to kick it into warp speed at some point, and now, it's come, and it's gone. It's been a year of self-discovery and self-reflection with some minor personal changes. I feel like my sense of self and my goals are more clear, but that all-in-all, I'm the same guy with more knowledge of this country and this part of the world.
As I laid in bed last night, I realized I'm about to move from Asia to Europe with little time in between. I had a mini-panic attack that involved a lot of irregular breathing and tossing around. I've shipped home a ton of stuff and should probably start packing. I have like 3 weeks at home this summer and will be on the go constantly. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer it this way, but that doesn't make the thought of it any less scary. I need to be ready to move to Rome by the first week of August. That is soon.
And, as well as things have come together, I admit that I'm nervous. It's a natural reaction to be nervous for the unknown, I suppose, but that doesn't make me feel any less silly about it. I'm going back to Rome! I'm going into a job in what I want to be my career field! Why must my stupid brain be so worrisome? Alas, I know everything will go well with the busy summer and the job next year.
Today, I proctored the SAT and felt horrible flashbacks of the old standardized testing days. Naturally, that made me worried for eventually taking the GRE. I'll have to start making moves on that front before I know it, too. Hopefully, I'll be able to complete a higher ed degree abroad. Sorry, Ma, I might not be close for a bit longer.
Lately, I've had my brother Brad Zandstra on my mind. He is going through a tough time right now, and you always want to be there when your friends are struggling. It's harder knowing that even if I was there, there isn't a damn thing I could do. If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's why bad things happen to the best of people. Cancer really is stupid and senseless. If you're of the type to keep people in your thoughts or prayers, I would, and I know he would, appreciate your well wishes.
That's all my brain's got for now. Have a good weekend, folks.
I leave Jeju in exactly one week. It's almost a year to the day that I found out I got the job here. I interviewed in my friend Jake's bed room from his house in the suburbs of Chicago, and a few days later, I found out I was going to a place I had never even heard of. A month and a half later, I was here.
And, now, I'm here still, with a little over a week left, and only a few days left with the students. Where has the year gone? It decided to kick it into warp speed at some point, and now, it's come, and it's gone. It's been a year of self-discovery and self-reflection with some minor personal changes. I feel like my sense of self and my goals are more clear, but that all-in-all, I'm the same guy with more knowledge of this country and this part of the world.
As I laid in bed last night, I realized I'm about to move from Asia to Europe with little time in between. I had a mini-panic attack that involved a lot of irregular breathing and tossing around. I've shipped home a ton of stuff and should probably start packing. I have like 3 weeks at home this summer and will be on the go constantly. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer it this way, but that doesn't make the thought of it any less scary. I need to be ready to move to Rome by the first week of August. That is soon.
And, as well as things have come together, I admit that I'm nervous. It's a natural reaction to be nervous for the unknown, I suppose, but that doesn't make me feel any less silly about it. I'm going back to Rome! I'm going into a job in what I want to be my career field! Why must my stupid brain be so worrisome? Alas, I know everything will go well with the busy summer and the job next year.
Today, I proctored the SAT and felt horrible flashbacks of the old standardized testing days. Naturally, that made me worried for eventually taking the GRE. I'll have to start making moves on that front before I know it, too. Hopefully, I'll be able to complete a higher ed degree abroad. Sorry, Ma, I might not be close for a bit longer.
Lately, I've had my brother Brad Zandstra on my mind. He is going through a tough time right now, and you always want to be there when your friends are struggling. It's harder knowing that even if I was there, there isn't a damn thing I could do. If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's why bad things happen to the best of people. Cancer really is stupid and senseless. If you're of the type to keep people in your thoughts or prayers, I would, and I know he would, appreciate your well wishes.
That's all my brain's got for now. Have a good weekend, folks.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)