Sometimes, there are things we are simply obligated to do (if we're trying to be good people). There are responsibilities we take on both wanted and unwanted that are just part of our lives. Maybe you don't even notice sometimes what responsibilities you have. I've been wrestling a lot lately with my own responsibilities, as well as how responsible I am (read as the second definition, more mature and levelheaded). How will those facets of my life evolve as I keep getting older? I feel a certain duty and pressure in my life to live up to expectations and hopes from myself and people around me. I love when people tell me they're following along with my adventures or reading my writing or are interested in what I'm doing, but I'm only starting to realize that I want to live up to a certain version of myself that I'm not sure even exists. As I look for a job for my next step, I'm starting to wonder if I'll be content no matter what I do.
The responsibilities in my life are numerous. I feel social responsibility, responsibility in my relationships, responsibility for my own actions and often the actions of others. That said, I think I need to learn to separate the various definitions of responsibility in my life. I shouldn't worry about what other people think for my next steps. I just need to go where the road leads me next. I need to be mature and levelheaded (but not grow up too much), and go with the flow, which is usually something I'm so good at but have been struggling with. It's easy to feel the rejections much more acutely than the victories in times of transition. I've just got to remind myself that the victories are generally more numerous that the let downs in my life. I'm so incredibly lucky.
I think I'm generally a responsible guy. At the very least, I take ownership of my actions, and I try to act as best as I can. That said, it's the first time in my life I feel that I have a responsibility for how I am perceived. I had someone say to me recently, "Your life seems so great and adventurous, and it just makes me feel like I'm doing nothing here in my daily life and job." Despite that being untrue in general, my initial reaction was that people don't really see my day-to-day life. They see what I post on social media, and they see exactly what I want them to see. My life is great, but it's not any different than other daily lives for the most part. Do I have some responsibility for the reactions to how I portray myself? I think I do. While I feel like my online persona is a relatively accurate depiction of who I am when times are good, it doesn't show my struggles or my daily ins and outs.
I think part of growing up is realizing that you have so many obligations in your life as an adult, but also realizing that it's just part of life. It doesn't have to be daunting. I remember graduating from university and just feeling overwhelmed by the pure possibility of it all. I could do anything, but I certainly had a responsibility to do something. It's how I feel now in a way. No matter what I did, I would have student loans. I would have friendships and relationships to maintain. I would have bills, wants, needs, the wants and needs of others, and so many other things to which I find myself consciously and unconsciously beholden. I like having responsibility, it's often also so very overwhelming.
It's becoming almost a neurotic endeavor for me. There's so much that you're supposed to do, but why am I supposed to do it? I've daydreamt more than once about going full Into The Wild and just enjoying life as it is, but when you read that book or watch that movie, you realize that his responsibilities came with him in a way; he just ignored them. Being an adult is about not running from your responsibilities, but embracing them.
This might be the most incoherent blob of a blog post I've ever written, but sometimes the stream of consciousness is good for me. Hope you all are having good starts to spring and such!
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