Pause

Yo! Much of this will be for my own memory since I don't have a notebook with me, but I hope it's interesting for you all. I'm writing from New Zealand, and life is good! First, a small chronology of my post-Jeju travels thus far.

June 13: fly Jeju to Seoul. Meet Jim Welp, Ben Welp, and Bill Richeson. Partying commences. Bill and I go out until 5am and meet up with Emily and Sam MacLean.
June 14: Hang out and do Korean stuff.
June 15: visit traditional Korean vestments parlor, eat good foods, drink good drinks. Wallow in Korea nostalgia.
June 16: miss my check-in time for flight to Sydney. Buy new flight to Sydney. Fly overnight to Sydney.
June 17: Wake up in Australia. Go to hostel. Receive message from Jack Sellman that he's staying at the hostel across the street from mine. Walk along harbor in Sydney. Take opera house tour. See Lore dance show at Opera House at night. Sit next to British guy named Connor who is by chance staying at the same hostel as me. Go out with him and other folks from the hostel.
June 18: meet Sam DeVice, her mom, and her mom's Australian friends for harbor lunch cruise. Go with Sam to aquarium. Drink beer and eat pizza. Go out.
June 19: Jack Sellman and I go for lunch and end up galavanting around town together. We go to the Skydeck of the Sydney tower and do the Skywalk on the outside of the tower. Terrifying. End up at bar attached to my hostel. Dance the night away.
June 20: hang more with Jack. Go shopping and have lunch. Take evening bus to Newcastle. Chill at hostel for the night.
June 21: walk out by Newcastle beach and watch dolphins for a few hours. Walk the whole coast, go back and shower, have dinner and go to a craft beer place, turn in early.
June 22: final day in Newcastle. Walk all the way down Hunter St. and see cool shops and such. Very bohemian. Quite enjoy it. Eat a nice dinner and turn in early.
June 23: catch early flight to Melbourne. Go to hostel, rent a bike, ride around South Melbourne and to the port. Come back, go to trivia night with people from hostel, turn in early.
June 24: bum around at Forgotten Soldier memorial and botanical garden. Meet Liam (a friend I met traveling in Prague last summer) for dinner and beers. Go to night market. Meet Erin, a friend who I met in Ireland last summer. Go out with her and her friends.
June 25: fly to Auckland. Arrive at 6pm, pick up car begin driving to Hobbiton. 45 minutes away from Auckland, GPS dies, moment of panic. Stop at gas station, cigarette lighter in car for power doesn't work. Follow signs back to Auckland airport car rental, sleep in parking lot.
June 26: get the car swapped out easily. Drive to Hobbiton. Beautiful green rolling hills and mountains for the drive. Hobbiton is sick. Drive to Rotorua and go zorbing. Check into a hostel because I'm tired as hell and don't want to drive any further. Check out the lake. Have a pork belly sandwich. Retire to hostel for relaxing.

It's been a hell of a trip so far! I've got 5 days left and then I'll be home for 24 hours before embarking on my road trip with Mikey. I'm going to be ready to settle down by the time I get to Rome! Some reoccurring thoughts I've had during the travels:

1. "Holy smokes, do I even comprehend how lucky I am?"
2. "I'm really freaking lucky."
3. "I miss Jeju and friends."
4. "I love these accents!"
5. "Driving on the left side of the road? It doesn't make sense."

That's about all I have to say for travels. It's been rad. I'm currently at my hostel in a room where 4 Germans are watching Crazy Stupid Love. So that's interesting. Going to wake up tomorrow and drive to Lake Taupo. No idea what I'm doing from there.

I titled this post "Pause" for a few reasons. First, I just wanted to remind myself to take the time to look at my life and at this year and this trip and reflect on it all. It's important to pause to do that. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about trying to slow myself down amidst all of the craziness right now. I need to stop and realize just how incredibly lucky I am to live the life I am living. It feels good to acknowledge that.

Another thing that has made me think of pausing is a current trend I've seen online that I really like, most boldly embodied in my good friend, mentor, and former teacher, Frank Corley. People, including Frank, are getting semicolon tattoos for suicide awareness. It symbolizes that something could've ended (a sentence, or a life in the metaphor), but it didn't. It was just a pause and then a moving forward.

In the metaphor, the focus is on the moving forward part, and that is really important. I see the pause as equally important. Whether it's a suicide attempt or just taking a moment to pause and realize your flaws, you have to have that moment in the first place to be able to move forward from it. It's not something you should necessarily be rid of entirely. I'll use my own experience as an example.

Anyone who knows me knows that this current pace I'm going at is my norm. I rarely slow down, and socially, I'm always going in a hundred different directions. Senior year of college in the fall, I started to act a lot less like myself. I had ten thousand reasons to be happy. I was dating a great girl who I remain good friends with; I had great friends; I was ready for graduation and doing well in school. Despite all that, I didn't feel like I could find reasons to be happy. I found this weird rut of self-loathing and self-doubt that was really uncharacteristic of the self that I knew. I scrutinized everything about myself from my weight, to my performance at work, to just about every word that came out of my mouth.  It all hit a head when I started feeling like I wasn't fit to live or wanted around by anyone. I started thinking about whether the world would even realize I was gone.

I was lucky enough to realize at that point how out of character it was, and I went to see my doctor, who suggested I start taking antidepressants and vitamin D supplements. It's seemed to help, and I've continued taking them since. I feel like myself again, and it was my being able to pause and realize something was wrong. I'm thankful for the pause, even if it sucked at the time. It's me, and I like me.

This year, I've been finding myself taking pictures of things that are broken. There was a broken bridge at the DMZ, broken trees like crazy, a wilted flower here and there, a broken dock in Melbourne this week, and several other fine examples. I think the point I'm getting at is that there's beauty in broken things, and at some point, we're all going to encounter that pause, no matter what form it comes in, and we'll have to decide whether to make it a semicolon or a period. We're all a little broken, but I think everyone's a little beautiful, too. Pauses can be good. I've learned a lot about myself by admitting I needed a little bit of help. Nobody can do it alone, after all, and I think I'm a better person as a result of dealing with some personal struggle.

If you ever find that the world is getting to be a little too much, I urge you to make that pause a semicolon and not a period. Your problems aren't petty, and especially if they're uncharacteristic, it takes the help of others to get you back to base level. Reach out to me. I'll get to WiFi faster than you can spell "WiFi" and Skype you and help you make it through the day. Don't go giving up. Life's a beautiful thing, and as I sit here in New Zealand, one of the luckiest guys I know in one of the most beautiful places on earth, I'm very acutely aware of that.

Anyway, I got a little soap box-ish there, but I think it's important that people acknowledge that no one expects you to be perfect. Occasionally, I'll have friends say things like, "Your life is perfect," or, "You do so many cool things!" While I appreciate the sentiment, it's easy to make life look good through Facebook and Instagram. You only see what I want you to see after all. Honestly, life is really good, but I hope that acknowledging some personal struggle in a public way will reinforce to you all that everyone struggles, and everyone encounters pauses and problems. I'm trying every day to take the negatives and turn them into positives and let them shape who I am.

Enough is enough for the evening. A long day of driving tomorrow. If you'll be in Chicago August 6, I would love to see you all at a benefit for my brother Brad Zandstra who is struggling through his second battle with cancer and is in the thick of chemo right now. He could really use our help, as the costs really add up. The links to the event page and the donation page if you can't make it are below. Goodnight, all!

https://www.facebook.com/events/114589755543548/
http://www.gofundme.com/xha8us

The Journey Continues

"What we do now echoes in eternity." -- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Alas, my journey in Korea is at an end. I leave tomorrow for a 2 week adventure in Australia and New Zealand, and I am really sad to be going. I said the last of the goodbyes to friends today, and it admittedly hurts a lot. I'm really lucky to have had these last few days in Seoul with friends I've made at all different points in my life. Jim and Ben Welp and Bill Richeson, dear friends who are all related in various ways to my friend Laura Welp, came from all over the world for a visit. Sam and Emily Maclean, two really awesome world travelers who I met in Prague are working in Korea now, and we went out for a night and caught up. A good handful of my coworkers were here too. It was the most fitting sendoff I could have possibly imagined, and I enjoyed everyone around me so much.

I finally admitted to myself tonight that it's the end. I took the night off from going out and stayed in to process my thoughts, and I went for a nice walk in Hongdae to get my last taste of Korea. It's been great, but it's over, and an incredible next chapter is ahead.

With that next chapter, The Jeju Chronicles end, and a new blog is born. I started this past year in Jeju by reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. It's full of great wisdom and advice, but the quote above really resonated with me. What we do now in this life, in all of these singular little moments, leaves an impression on the world. What you do with your life isn't a waste, and it doesn't go with you to your grave. The people you affect in your life, and the people you meet and change as they change you, all resonate into the cosmos of infinity. Each action has a consequence leading to a subsequent action and consequence. My life since college has lead me to believe so firmly that things happen exactly as they are supposed to, and in the only way that they ever could. I'm not saying that our lives are predetermined for us, just that things tend to have some crazy way of working out, and that our actions truly define us. What we do leads us to who we are, and while that might sound like a bunch of mindless rambling, it's become somewhat of a creed (I miss you, Lucas Dines) for me. I control my own future. I met Emily and Sam in Prague last year, and it really felt full circle when I saw them here in Korea. I felt some weird interconnectedness and purpose to the crazy night of dancing we had. I hadn't seen Jim or Ben in 2 years or so, and here we were in Korea exploring and having a great time. It felt like things had to go exactly as they have. It was too perfect. This whole year and its ending make me feel like I'm going in the right direction with my life.

Thus, I chose this title for my blog. I suppose it's also very fitting that I'm headed to Rome and Marcus Aurelius was a Roman! It's a bit more versatile than The Jeju Chronicles, so it can last to Rome and beyond. Maybe I'll be lucky enough for my words to truly make an impression at some point for someone somewhere, and they shall echo into eternity. One can only hope. As always, thanks for reading, and I'll try to work in an update about Australia and New Zealand when I'm home before I leave to road trip with Mikey. Have a great June, everybody!

-Ryan

Goodbye, Jeju.

Dear Jeju,

The time has come for me to depart from you, oh sweet, sunny island. It's been a year, and it's been quite lovely overall. You've given me peace, stability, friendship, and experience. You've given me natural beauty unlike anywhere else in the world. You've given me great food and pretty subpar drink. You've given me trials, and you've given me triumphs.

Undoubtedly, some of the fine people you've brought into my life will fade into obscurity, and some will remain friends for life. "Home is where the heart is," and I've found a home in this place. Whether it was my newfound hobby of smoking meat with my brother Lucas Dines, finding new music from Allison Ice on a long drive, paddle boarding with the Glynns, or getting shabu shabu with the whole Monday crew, these people and several others have wiggled into my heart. I have you to thank for that, Jeju.

I climbed the country's tallest mountains with you. I traveled all over Asia. I wished I was home. You saw me at my best, and you saw me at my broken. I do wish you would change your laws so that driving any vehicle on the roads in an intoxicated state is illegal, but I'll let it slide. You gave me my first taste of life after college, and you pointed me closer to my end goals. I'm grateful for that.

To be honest, I didn't have expectations when I first encountered you, Jeju. I knew too little about you to really have an informed opinion. Not having expectations allowed me to be ready for anything and to open myself to all you had to offer, and that makes me want to explore more places that I know little about. I am very grateful for that.

You've given me hope, and you've given me doubts. You've given me hope that I can survive and thrive in new places, and I think I want to keep encountering new places for a while. You've given me doubts that I can settle down any time soon, and that scares me. If I had a dime for every time I wondered what my life would be like in five years, I would have a lot of dimes. If I knew where I would be in five years, I wouldn't be working hard to get there.

You've given me Lazybox, Cafe Mayb, the roadside pork/jiggae place, American Sushi, shabu shabu, Sangbangsan, Sagye, Emart, GS25/CU, the fish and chips place by the beach, U-do, the Bonte Museum, and countless other places where I will forever have precious memories.

You gave me a wakeup call in the form of a motorcycle accident. Never have I been so acutely aware that I am mortal. It was terrible, but in the end, I learned a lot. You taught me that I shouldn't be reckless, but that doesn't mean I can't live life to its fullest potential.

You taught me to not take my education for granted. You taught me that not everyone I meet will be likeminded with me. You taught me that sometimes, it's better to keep my mouth shut. You reminded me what I want out of my life and what kind of man I want to be. You taught me that kids can suck so incredibly badly, but they can be pretty great, too. You taught me the value of fostering deep connections with folks, no matter where you are.

Hell, Jeju. I could go on for days. You've been a great gift to me. You've become a friend, and you've been a teacher unlike any other thus far in my life. Most of all, you taught me that somehow, some way, things have a weird way of working out. Life can look bleak, but it's not over until it's over. I'm more aware than ever of the need for perseverance, humility, and empathy.

Finally, you taught me what it means to truly miss family and friends. I'm one of the luckiest people I know, and I have so many relationships in my life that I would be lost without. It was an added bonus that you brought me more of those relationships to move forward from here with.

I'll send you postcards from Italy. I'll have to come back to see baby Dines and how incredible the GEC is in a few years. Thanks for everything. I'll miss you.

Goodbye, Jeju.

Love,
Ryan

Wrapping Up The Year

With a such a large transition approaching, I've been uncharacteristically calm and collected, going through my daily business and preparing to leave Korea. I tend to think for extended periods of time before falling asleep, and last night was no exception. Sometimes I have great thoughts, and I really process my day or my relationships or my inner workings. Last night, I didn't have any fun thoughts. Instead, the second I laid down in my bed, the full weight of the next few months hit me like a brick.

I leave Jeju in exactly one week. It's almost a year to the day that I found out I got the job here. I interviewed in my friend Jake's bed room from his house in the suburbs of Chicago, and a few days later, I found out I was going to a place I had never even heard of. A month and a half later, I was here.

And, now, I'm here still, with a little over a week left, and only a few days left with the students. Where has the year gone? It decided to kick it into warp speed at some point, and now, it's come, and it's gone. It's been a year of self-discovery and self-reflection with some minor personal changes. I feel like my sense of self and my goals are more clear, but that all-in-all, I'm the same guy with more knowledge of this country and this part of the world.

As I laid in bed last night, I realized I'm about to move from Asia to Europe with little time in between. I had a mini-panic attack that involved a lot of irregular breathing and tossing around. I've shipped home a ton of stuff and should probably start packing. I have like 3 weeks at home this summer and will be on the go constantly. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer it this way, but that doesn't make the thought of it any less scary. I need to be ready to move to Rome by the first week of August. That is soon.

And, as well as things have come together, I admit that I'm nervous. It's a natural reaction to be nervous for the unknown, I suppose, but that doesn't make me feel any less silly about it. I'm going back to Rome! I'm going into a job in what I want to be my career field! Why must my stupid brain be so worrisome? Alas, I know everything will go well with the busy summer and the job next year.

Today, I proctored the SAT and felt horrible flashbacks of the old standardized testing days. Naturally, that made me worried for eventually taking the GRE. I'll have to start making moves on that front before I know it, too. Hopefully, I'll be able to complete a higher ed degree abroad. Sorry, Ma, I might not be close for a bit longer.

Lately, I've had my brother Brad Zandstra on my mind. He is going through a tough time right now, and you always want to be there when your friends are struggling. It's harder knowing that even if I was there, there isn't a damn thing I could do. If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's why bad things happen to the best of people. Cancer really is stupid and senseless. If you're of the type to keep people in your thoughts or prayers, I would, and I know he would, appreciate your well wishes.

That's all my brain's got for now. Have a good weekend, folks.