Independence

I spent five minutes or so just now thinking about the word independence. Did I get it when I moved off to college? Did I get it when I moved to Korea? Did I achieve it when I studied abroad? Independence has been something I've always talked loftily about. I consider myself an independent person. What exactly does that even mean?

It's taken me a while, but I think I've finally got it figured out. I also don't think I really was an independent person until after college. For me, independence means being okay with yourself before you take put yourself out there for others. It means being sure of yourself and having conviction, even if you mess up sometimes. It means being able to be alone without going stir crazy, and even enjoying it sometimes. I think that "being alone" part is pretty important, and it's something I often struggled with. There's a large difference between being alone and being lonely. At different points in my life, I often thought I was a lonely person for one reason or another. Toward the end of high school and early into college, I thought not being lonely meant having the acceptance of females. I thought it meant having a girlfriend. Later in college, I just hated being alone at all. I didn't like to be alone with my thoughts. By the time I was a senior, I was slowly starting to figure out that I needed to figure things out on my own before I brought other people into the picture.

There's always room for improvement as a person, but growing up is having some degree of knowledge of who you are, what you like and don't like, what you need to be sane, and what your authentic self is. That's independence. It doesn't mean you can do everything on your own, and I think I understand that more than ever. It means knowing when you need to depend on others. I think in order to truly give yourself to others, whether it be in friendships, relationships, or in service, you need to first work on knowing yourself. It wasn't really until after college that I first started to put into motion an effort to know myself and develop independence.

I started to realize that people were knowing me in a more real way. I didn't feel the need to put on fronts for people. I am what I am, and while it's a constant process, I know what my values are and who I want to be. It's easier for me to be truthful with people about who I am and what I want in life. I find that a lot of the friendships or relationships I've lost are really a result of me not having had any idea what was going on in my life or what my inward focus was. I realize now that it took being a little selfish and taking some time to myself to figure out what the hell I'm doing here on this planet of ours. I had countless trips alone out and about in Jeju, and I did a lot of self-discovery there. The pivotal point came to me with the help of Alex Boesch, who realized what I really wanted was to be in Rome, and he told me to stop putzing around and make myself happy. I finally started putting effort into figuring myself out, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

I love being alone. I love doing things myself and feeling accomplished afterward. None of that is independence though. Independence is a base layer for throwing yourself out there to others. It's being able to do your own laundry and fight your own battles just because you know you can. It doesn't mean I have to do everything on my own or focus only on myself. It does mean that sometimes I do have to do things on my own, and sometimes I do need to focus on myself.

I've got goals, and I'm confident I'll reach them. I'm confident I have friends that truly know me and love me for the weirdass that I am. Everything is kind of clicking. While there's tough days as there always has been and will be, I feel more equipped to handle them than at any other moment in my life. Each day I'm feeling more and more equipped, and even though there will be bad days and there will be doubts, I'll bounce back because I'm totally capable.

That's about all I've got. A new group of students arrived, and I hope they're working on figuring out themselves. I'm working on a study trip to Bosnia and Serbia for March, and I'm super excited. It's going to be a quick and wonderful semester. Hope friends and family worldwide are doing well. Ciao.

Home: A New Year

I'm back in Rome! Had my first espresso down at the corner bar, settled back into my temporary room on campus, and went to the grocery store for some prosciutto, salame piccante, and fior di sardo formaggio. I would say settling back into Italian life came quicker than trying to acclimate back to American life.

For the first time, being away from the States and coming home felt really weird. From the second I stepped off the plane and was spoken to in English to the drinks in the bar in the airport at the end, American culture wasn't something I was used to. It was an odd feeling. It wasn't bad; it was just weird. I thoroughly enjoyed all the people I got to see. I enjoyed every moment with my family. It just had a weird air. I went into a gas station on the way home from Chicago, and there were 15 types of barbecue chips. How am I supposed to decide between 15 different types?

I got over that, and like I said, it was a lovely trip home. I had a lot of time to think and relax, and the word "home" was something that was on my mind a lot. At one point, I referred to Rome as home to my mother, and she wasn't too happy about it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that St. Louis isn't my one home anymore. I grew up in St. Louis, and it is home in a lot of ways, but it's not the only one.

Rome is in fact home. Right now, it's where I live, and it's where I feel most comfortable. I'm in my element. I'm loving life. I'm incredibly happy. However, Chicago is still home. I felt a lot of happiness in going back there. St. Louis also felt like home. When I think about Korea, there feels like home, too. In fact, when I think about home, I don't really think about the place. The people who make those places places that I enjoy and keep going back to are the reason they feel like home.

Being in the States and seeing my family, Luke Landolt, Mikey Dienstbach, Katie Bell and Mitch Catalano, Laura Welp and her family (and special surprise Julie Strand!), Kelly Cahalin, Liz Sinclair (soon to be Pompliano! Congratulations!), high school friends, and the Beazleys, among many others, that all made it feel like home. I missed it. I found however, that after a week or so, I started to miss those I love here in Rome. I started to miss my job (which has actually never happened before). Coming back and seeing Michael Cronin, Fran Homan, and soon my other SLA pals will be pretty great. Hell, seeing the guy at the corner bar for a coffee felt good.

And thus, even after having heard it in the past, I finally felt it. Home isn't places; it's the love you find in those places. I'm a happy, fortunate man to have so many wonderful people in my life. I think often about my friends from Korea. I think often about the States. At this moment in time though, I'm so happy to be in this home here in Rome. It's with that realization that I find myself excited to take on a new year. I think it's fitting that my New Year's Eve celebration will be spent here with friends.

So much has happened in the last year. I've been on four continents (Asia, Europe, North America, Australia), two for extended living. I've made countless friends. I got my dream job and am loving it. I got into a motorcycle accident and broke my foot. I learned from it. I find myself as content as I've ever been.

And thus, I look forward to the new year. I'll be applying for another year here in Rome (fingers crossed for me!). I'll be starting to think about graduate school for after Rome. My sister will be getting married in July, and I'll be going home for it. My Italian language skills will undoubtedly improve. I'll make new friends. I'll see new places. I'll constantly be reminded of how lucky I am.

I come into the new year with new goals. I find that I'm more likely to hold onto new years resolutions if I write them down and publicize them to the world, so here they are:

1. Visit all 7 continents before I'm 27. Begin saving up.
2. Commit to a diet (because I haven't been able to stick to one), and lose 40 pounds.
3. Take 3 months off from alcohol entirely.
4. Find little ways to make changes.
5. Continue to choose to be happy.
6. Make new friends and learn about new places.
7. Keep up with learning Italian.
8. Keep in touch with those I love worldwide.
9. Get accepted into a grad school with a grad assistantship.
10. Improve. Improve in every way that I can. Be a better friend, son, coworker, and human.

I can't wait to see what 2016 has in store. I can't wait to make new homes.

Buon Natale, e Buon Capo D'Anno. Ciao, friends.

Choice

One of the priests here on campus, Father Ted Bohr, showed me a New York Times article earlier this week about gratitude. One of the main points it focused on was that we must choose to be grateful. Even if we don't necessarily feel gratitude in any given moment, choosing to be grateful and thinking about all we have can make us grateful people in general.

My wheels have been turning all week thinking about this article. Of course, it's Thanksgiving, so we all choose to be grateful. Then, I started thinking about all the other choices in life. If we choose to think about what makes us happy, will we become happier people in general? If we think about what we like about our jobs instead of what we don't like, will we be happier in our positions?

I think the answer is absolutely yes. I think most of our lives boil down to choices. I've made a lot of good choices and a lot of bad ones, and the more I dissect it, where I am now is a product of all of those choices. A lot of choice is how we choose to react in the face of unforeseen circumstances. Yes, we can choose a lot in our lives, even things we didn't think we could choose for ourselves, but some things just happen. People die; friendships fall apart even though we don't want them to; natural disasters occur; we get flat tires. Things happen. However, I think there's an element of choice to everything that happens in life.

I think back to late high school, when I really felt like life was crashing down on me. My friend Chris passed away. My friend Jay's dad passed away. My friend Greg's mom passed away. I wanted to go to Boston College and couldn't afford it. I was a miserable wreck. Coming out of that rut really came down to me choosing to come out of it, and I had to do that when the time was right for me.

I think about conflicts I've had. You can choose to address problems, or you can choose to ignore them. You can choose to let things go, or you can choose to dwell on them. The tiniest choices can affect so much. I thought through this the other day pretty methodically, and had probably thought about it 100 times before, but not like this: I chose to buy a motorcycle; I chose to fix the starter when the weather started to get nice; I chose to go out to the beach for 45 minutes even though I worked in an hour and a half; I chose to take the longer coastal road to the beach; I chose to try to pass a swerving tractor and the guy ended up being drunk. A lot of choices led to me breaking my foot, and any one of those choices not made would've made my life very different.

That's kind of an extreme example, but how many of those occurrences in life happen the same way? Pretty much every single occurrence actually. I chose to go to Loyola, and I chose to study abroad, and I chose to apply for this job, and I chose to come into the office today to write this blog post, and here it is. Funny how that works, eh?

I think the overall thing I've taken from rambling thoughts like those above is this: we have so much more control over our lives than we think. It's easy to feel helpless, like your the product of your environment and that absolutely nothing can change your situation. I'm not doubting that, in many ways, there's a lot out of our control. That said, once I started to think about what I can control, I had a much better week this week. It's about learning yourself and then making choices that lead you down the path you want to go down. Every minute of every day we're making choices that affect our outcomes.

The more I've thought about each choice I'm making, the more I've been able to ensure I'm making good ones. That's not to say bad ones don't happen and aren't happening every day for me, but consequences are so much clearer when you sit there and say, "This is a choice. Things can go one way or another way based on this choice. What will I do?"

Think what the world could be like if we all made more choices instead of feeling helpless. Tons of refugees fleeing war and horrors unimaginable? I choose to help in any way that I can. Sexual assaults on campuses more rampant than ever? I choose to not be silent. My friend has a problem and is very distraught? I choose to listen and console. There is so much we can do if we just make choices other than choosing to be lazy and apathetic. Some things really don't even take much energy, and the more I think about how lazy I'm capable of becoming but how much I'm capable of doing to help, the more I wish I thought more about my choices.

Anyway, I'm confusing myself with how many times I've used the words "choose" and "choice." I think the goal for me is to just be more mindful and to realize how much I truly do have control over. I hope you all had a very lovely Thanksgiving, and know that I missed all friends and family over the holiday. Ciao for now.

Role Models

Alas, campus is near silent as the students have all left for their weekend trips. It makes me feel like such an old man to value the sweet, sweet silence that the weekend brings. Part of me misses being a student and traveling every weekend, but the other part of me realizes how much I've changed in the four years since I was a student here in Rome. I look at my students and see shades of myself. I remember those days fondly, but I certainly wasn't the most mature guy back then. It's been an interesting form of reflection to see the decisions my students make, the way they interact with one another, and the way they treat me, and then to realize the similarities to back then and the transformation that has occurred since.

Part of the change comes from the four years I've had of learning from truly incredible people. Here in Rome, I met people like the Beazleys and Sander Evers. In knowing those folks alone I've grown immensely, and they've changed the course of my life. I've gotten to spend time with people like Brad Zandstra, who has taught me more about resilience, strength, and kindness than anyone I know. I have a much better understanding of what love means and what I'm looking for in a woman because of friends like Alex and Anna Boesch, whose wedding I was fortunate enough to participate in; it's impossible to see them and not want the kind of love and commitment they have. I know what kind of a man I want to be because of the utter selflessness, empathy, and drive of guys like Mikey Dienstbach, Nic Herrmann, Alex Boesch, and Brian Befaro. I've realized what it means to be a loving and committed friend because of people like Kelly Cahalin, who's been by my side for almost half of my life, and who would do anything for me (and I for her!). My group of friends from Chicago has taught me what it means to miss people, and I definitely am missing you all. I got to see what hard work and integrity looks like in Lucas and Nicole Dines.

I've been so fortunate in the last 4 years. I've traveled all over the world. I've done things most people will never get to do. It hit me the other day in my interactions with students that I am who I am and I do what I do because of the people I've met and surrounded myself with. I want to be that role model for students either professionally or personally. I want them to see me being a man of integrity and then want to do so themselves. I want them to see me working hard so they want to do so themselves. In a way, it's a lot of pressure. I soaked up so much between now and when I was a student from people who had done it all before and helped me along the path. I'd like to pay it forward, and also I don't want to let people down who have helped get me so far.

There's something to be said for independence. You shouldn't need to go to your mom's every time you need your laundry done. Being independent is great, and I think I'm good at it, but in realizing my dependencies and my fortune in the people who have been an example to me, I've realized a new meaning for independence. I don't quite know what the meaning is, but it doesn't involve me being able to do everything on my own.

So, up until this point, I suppose this can be considered a long, rambling thank you note. I haven't taken the appropriate amount of time to thank everyone in my life. I'm not Ryan Bedell without you all. I hope someday the people I interact with can say that I changed them for the better, whether it's students or peers. I hope that through what I've taken from others, people can look to me as an example of something, whatever it may be. It's a tough question to pose to yourself: what do you have to offer to others? It's easy to get caught up in overthinking the answer, too. I've never met someone who didn't have something to offer. Whether it be a harsh criticism that makes me realize that not everyone will always like me, or an act of generosity that makes me have faith in the world, everyone shapes my experience, and I've been lucky to do a whole lot of learning these last four years.

So that's what I leave with, wondering what I can offer and what kind of role model I can be, wondering if I can live up to expectations and the amount of goodness that has been given to me. I have faith in myself, which definitely isn't something I could've said four years ago. Goal for the future: continue to embrace growth and foster it in others.

From Rome with love and gratitude,
Ryan

Positivity

Being back at where I studied abroad has afforded me somewhat of a unique opportunity for reflection. When I look at Rome and some of the situations I encounter here, it's hard not to think about the person I was four years ago and the person I am now. I often find myself feeling like my students are very young, but in the grand scheme of things, four years isn't so much of an age difference. I've been trying to figure out what exactly has changed in such a short time, and while my immediate response is, "Well, everything has changed," I think I'm able to boil it all down to one word: positivity.

When I was a student here at twenty, I think I was probably pretty difficult to be around. Not that I'm not sometimes now, but I think I was a lot more self-centered and a lot quicker to judge back then. Everything was negative to me. I can think of several specific instances as a student where I would get upset about things just for the sake of doing it. It seemed like the world was crashing down at the tiniest little problem, and I just wasn't ready to handle it. Now, I see similar attributes in some of my students. They're lost, and everything is amplified here. Everything is negative, and drama from home is creeping through the Internet to ruin their day.

Truthfully, I didn't much like myself then. I definitely hurt some people, and I can look back now and think of how foolish I was. I was seeking out the fault in people instead of trying to find the good. I was looking at adverse situations and instead of trying to repair them, I was selling $50 tickets to the pity party, and there weren't many takers. I don't know if it was some sort of defense mechanism, trying not to get hurt by keeping distance from people or something, but I remember very vividly writing people off over the most trivial things. It must've taken a lot of walking on top of a lot of good people to get me all the way up to my high horse.

I'm not saying I'm perfect now, but I'm a whole lot happier, and being back here in Rome sure has made me realize just how much I've changed. I try to find the best in everyone. I try to be as positive as I can, and I have so many great role models of positivity around me and all over the globe. Conversely, my tolerance for drama and negativity is at an all time low. It's just not something I want to be a part of my life. To be honest, Korea had its fair share of really negative situations, and I've done a good job of holding on to the positive growth I encountered there and carrying it here with me. I'm more adept at handling conflict, and I've done a lot of conflict handling in the first few months here while still maintaining my sanity and my positivity. It takes effort to try to remain positive sometimes, but it's the course I want to take, and realizing how fortunate I am to be here doing what I'm doing is often the first step.

I don't know if I'll ever be the type of person who always has a smile on their face. I look up to those people because they're a good reminder for me. There's rarely a good reason to let your day be ruined. I need to work still on ridding myself of complaining. It's so hard sometimes (see what I did there?). I'm not saying it's good to keep real things bottled up, especially not for me, but in the grand scheme of things, most of what I have to complain about is only a complaint because of a lack of positive outlook. For instance, today I realized I have to individually check-in and print 56 tickets for my upcoming study trip to Greece. My instinct was to say, "Really? That sucks so much." As the day went on, I saw a coworker's post about suffering refugees and another friend's post about another mass shooting, and I thought, "Well, I was an asshole earlier. I'm going to Greece for work, and I still found a way to complain." I think it's constant reminders to be positive and put things in perspective that have made me into more of the person I want to be.

This was one of those posts that I think I mostly needed to put into writing for myself. However, serious thanks to anyone who has supported me throughout my life into getting to this exact moment, sitting in a hotel in Rome, typing a blog post, thinking about how lucky I am.

A slightly late thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes. It was spent in Munich at Oktoberfest, and it was a blast. Thanks for reading as always, friends.

Becoming Home

The insanity of orientation is over. There were moments when I thought I would never be able to say that. It was a solid 2 to 3 weeks of 12-14 hour days, and I was pooped. I can finally relax and unwind.

HA. What a ruse. Relaxing and unwinding doesn't seem like it will be happening here unless I am traveling, which thankfully is coming up this week. Thursday, Pedro, Mike, and I are leaving to meet our friends Conor and Claire at Oktoberfest in Munich, and I can't wait. I desperately need the time off, and I think it is coming at the perfect time.

I'm really settling in here in Rome. My Italian is coming back slowly (okay, anyone here in Italy with me would correct me to say "very slowly"). I'm doing some exploring and figuring out a routine, and I'm getting the hang of the job. I planned a wine tasting at Eataly for 52 people on Tuesday of next week. I finalized all of the plans for the Greece study trip. Calcio has started, and I'm leading the team to victory (along with my student who is Spanish and used to play at an American college and scored 5 goals last week). I'm getting to know some folks at local businesses, and I'm getting to know the hotel staff very well.

I work more than I've ever worked in my life. I work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, and I also have duty 5 nights per week. Unfortunately, these don't match up, so I'm working every day just at different times. I have Monday and Tuesday nights off, and Saturday and Sunday days off. I am already going a bit stir crazy, but in a way, I was prepared for this with Korea, I think. It's difficult to live where you work, and it's easy to feel trapped. I felt it last year, and I've felt it at moments this year. Today, I went exploring in an area that my boss suggested called Ponte Milvio. I brought two students along, and we walked around a bit and went for tiramisu and french fries. It was a good relaxing day. Then, when I got back, I had a beer, smoked a cigar, played guitar, and talked with my friend Elly on the terrace. It was a solid evening backed by a solid day.

I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to call this place home for the next year and potentially longer. I need to keep going out and exploring. I need to find a way to barbecue if it's the last thing I do. The school has a fire inspection coming up, and afterwards, it's time for me to get a smoker. I need to keep doing things that stir me up. I love this city, and I need to keep making it about more than work, even if the main reason that I'm here is work.

I haven't really had time to be homesick, and as bad as it sounds, I just started really missing people in the last few days. My mind has just been so occupied with other things that I didn't have time for emotions. I'm sorry if I've been distant to those I usually keep in touch with, but it hasn't been very easy to do anything about up until now!

One of the tough things that comes with being so far away is missing things that matter to you. My good buddy Brett Stockmann is getting married in February, and he asked me to be a groomsman. I checked my work schedule, and it's just not possible to get home. It sucks to miss something so important. While I know he understands, I can't help but think that it's a letdown, and that many more of these situations will arise if this is the life I continue to want to lead.

I like the job. I like the students. I like where I'm living. I like my coworkers. I just need to keep those things in mind when the stress starts to mount. I need to separate the JFRC from Rome and go out and get to know it. I leave for a stress-free trip to Germany on Thursday, and I hope I come back rejuvenated and ready to roll.

Besides all of that, not too terribly much to report. Life's good. The food and wine are a bit too good. Cheers to hoping I'm not 20 pounds heavier next time you see me. Thanks for reading.

Ho Dimenticato La Mia Carta Nella Mia Camera

I haven't written all summer! For that, I am terribly sorry. I enjoyed the last bit of New Zealand and flew home from my year in Korea, leaving with Mikey for a road trip around the western states the day after I arrived back in the USA. Mikey and I started in Chicago, went to a bunch of national parks, to see Katie Bell, to the Grand Canyon, and to a whole bunch of other places. I would cover that all more in depth, but after 2 weeks home and my sister's engagement party and training in Chicago and moving to Rome, I kind of missed the boat on that I think.

Being in Rome, as far as the city itself, feels like I never left. We went to the Spanish Steps as a staff before the students arrived, and I was amazed at how familiar it felt. The same dudes trying to sell you things. The same idiots getting yelled at by cops for reaching into the fountain. The same smells and sights and sounds. It all came back so quickly. My Italian is coming back a bit more slowly, but hopefully I'll continue to improve as the year goes on.

The first 27 students, our freshmen, arrived about a week and a half ago. The rest came a few days ago. My schedule has been non-stop since I got here! It's been waking up at 7am, staying up til midnight or later, working the whole time. I'm somehow not going insane yet. I love the work, and I love the people I'm with, and once orientation finishes, I'm going to take a much needed personal day into things settling down a bit.

I'm living in a hotel with 51 students, and so far it's going well. They're all still super disoriented and confused about the city and the school, which is understandable. I remember those days well. Right now, it's helping them with the simplest of tasks, and I can't wait for them to come into their element here. I haven't had a ton of time to explore since being back, but I'm looking forward to time off. I fear the hotel will never really feel like a home for me, but the perks of breakfast and room cleaning are very nice!

I've gotten myself sick over the last few days, and on top of the long work days, I'm officially tired. The title of this post refers to a story that my mom and grandmother will love, because it's very like something they themselves would do. It very much involves how tired I was. Last night, I forgot my room key for the hotel on campus (it's a simple swipe card, so it's easy to replace). I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, no problem.

Then, I had to hang some decorations on the students' doors. I did so, and when I wanted to go to my room after, I realized I had left my card inside of my room. I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, we laughed, and I went to my room.

Then, I had to talk to one of my students who hadn't filled out his waivers. Again, I forgot my card in my room. Same lady, and by this point, she thinks I'm drunk or losing it. I decided I've probably had enough feeling stupid for one day, and I'm feeling sickly, so I decide to go to bed. I shower, brush my teeth, and get into bed. I fall asleep for thirty minutes.

A student knocks on my door. 12:30am. "Ryan, my card doesn't work. What do I do?" I tell her to ask the front desk, and I'm sleepy and disoriented. "I don't know how to say it in Italian, though!" I put on some shoes and walk her down to the desk. "Her card isn't working," I say in Italian. A quick fix, and we're on our way back up to the rooms. I get to my door, check my pockets, and sure enough, I left my own room key inside. It was the most miserably embarrassing walk of shame down to my room to ask for another one. "Ho dimenticato la mia carta nella mia camera... ancora..." I forgot my card in my room... again... The desk receptionist and I had a hearty laugh, and I told her that I am sick, tired, and going completely insane. She definitely believes the last of those to be true.

My complete airheadedness aside, life is great. This job is truly my dream job. I feel like I'm already contributing to the students' experience. I feel like the team we have as a staff is going to work really well. I feel content. I feel like I've accomplished something in being here. I feel the wiggle room for me to grow. So far, I have no complaints, not even the long days or the sickness.

It feels very different than when I was a student here. It's a lot of familiar faces, but a lot of different ones, too. Campus is physically different. I'm working, not studying. It's amazing how much I've personally changed since I was here in college. I feel old, even though I know I'm still just a young man with a lot more to see and do.

Having Pedro here, my friend and now colleague who I went to college with, is so different, but so great. I never got to experience this place with someone so close to me, and it makes me feel really at home having him here. He also really knows what the hell he's doing with this job, so he's been a great guide for me. My biggest fear is not living up to expectations with the job, and I'm doing everything I can to excel.

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Biggest news so far for me is that I'm taking 50 students to Greece over Fall Break! It's going to be so great. I am really enjoying starting to work on planning it. It's going to be one hell of a year on all fronts. Thanks for reading, and ciao for now!