Responsibility

I find that as I grow older, my responsibilities grow. Sounds pretty obvious, I suppose, but it hasn't made sense to me until I started living it in real time. There's the really obvious ones, like the responsibilities of paying the bills, having a job, being more mature, etc. But there's responsibilities I didn't anticipate.

In general, I think part of growing up is accepting responsibility for your actions. Adults own up to it when they do something they shouldn't have, plain and simple. The more I'm around college students on a daily basis, I realize that they're still young. They still have a lot of growing up to do, and so do I. However, as you get older, admitting when you've done wrong becomes all the more important. There's no honor or positive outcome in trying to put responsibility for your wrongs on someone else. As a kid, you think, "Oh, wow, I did something really bad, and I'm going to get in trouble," and you want to avoid the punishment. That attitude still lingers in a lot of college students I encounter. However, as you grow older, people respect you more when you admit your responsibility for an action. We all make mistakes. We all do dumb things.

As I've grown, I've started to realize further the responsibility I have towards others. We have a responsibility towards others in every interaction we have. Take dating, for example. You are responsible for your own feelings, but you're also responsible for how your actions affect the person you're dating. If you're a bad partner, you're responsible for it. When you're 18 and dating is less serious, you have less responsibility. That's not to say you shouldn't try to be a good person at all ages, but as you grow older, and your actions carry more weight, inevitably there comes more responsibility with those actions. I'm realizing that as I go along. If you screw up monumentally and break someone's heart at 16, it's not as big of a deal as if you do it at 25.

You have more responsibility toward your friends as you grow older. The problems we encounter carry more substance as we grow, and your shoulder to lean on needs to be sturdier. We're responsible for more in general. We all have so much on our plates, whether it's school, jobs, loans, relationships, family stuff, or any other number of things. Life carries more weight and has more meaning now. Quite frankly, I think the added weight makes things more beautiful. I find myself putting more passion into my work because it means something. My part-time jobs never merited very much passion. I find myself being deeper and more interested in a person in romantic love. It's less surface-level, and I don't dilly dally. If you're not my type, I move on. When you have less time, and everything carries more gravity, you quickly delegate what makes sense to take responsibility for and what doesn't.

I love having more responsibility in my life. It's been an adjustment post-college, and it took time to be ready for the 'real world.' Full-time jobs, loan payments, and first dates where a girl looks at you and thinks, "Is he the type of guy I could marry?" Real life hits hard, but it fights fairly. We're growing up, and it's not a negative thing. I have never been happier, but I have more responsibility than I've ever had in my life.

So, maybe I've finally found a maturity streak in my life (not too much obviously). Being an adult doesn't mean abandoning being a kid. It means keeping your spirit young but your decision-making more informed. It means taking all of your experience thus far, and using it to be a good person. I think I'll always be a kid at heart. I'll always have a child's curiosity, a bit of teenager recklessness, and to a certain degree an innocence, a desire to trust and be trusted.

Every time I get to the end of writing one of these, I think to myself, "Wow, that was a lot of rambling," but they always make sense in my head. Hope it's not too haphazard. Have a good week!

Goodbye Beazleys

Two things I've said before, and I will say again:

1. Home is not places. It is love.

2. Family is much bigger than blood.

The Beazley family came home this semester, and they're going home today to Chicago. They're surrounded by love everywhere they go. Their family here misses them already. My sadness is immense today, but I won't harp on that. Instead, I'm going to share three things I wrote throughout the course of the semester when I was generally overcome with love for the Beazleys. They are transcribed in full below. Miss and love you so much, Beazleys!

Every day I'm around Annie Beazley, I learn something new. Today, I was struck by her joy as she hugged all the students with a huge smile on her face. I was struck by her eagerness to embrace everyone around her with a handshake or a hug. Yesterday, she struck me with how quickly she moved on from biting her tongue; she's the same way when you upset her emotionally. She moves on in a minute or two.

Tonight, her dad was giving a speech to 220 new students, and she ran up to him and started tugging at him. He picked her up, and as she looked out to the crowd of students and waved with a huge smile on her face, I found a few tears of happiness welling up in my eyes. Annie, at just shy of five years old, is everything I aspire to be in a human, and she's here with me in Rome (along with her beautiful family).

When Annie was little, I probably wouldn't have been able to put into words how she affects those around her. In one sense, when I was a student, she was an adorable baby around campus, and even those who didn't put much effort into getting to know her enjoyed her presence. I realize now that Annie is older, that it was never about her being a cute baby. It's the joy, the love, and gigantic heart that make her stand out.

Annie's little sister Giorgia is pretty lucky. While I imagine they'll do quite a bit of teaching each other things, I already know this: Giorgia will learn love, in a way she couldn't learn from anyone else, from her sister. Annie will be protective. I can already see when they interact that Annie wants only what's best for her. Annie has a profound impact on people she bumps into at the grocery store; I can't imagine the joy and fulfilment she will bring to her sister's life.

She certainly has brought joy and fulfilment to my life. Annie lives in each moment more than any of us are capable. She thinks about you when she's with you, and you get her full attention and love. What a wonderful world it would be if we could all do the same and truly be present in our daily lives and give our interactions with others our full soul. If you're hurt, she runs over concerned to give you a hug. If you're laughing, she laughs with you even if she's not sure why you're laughing.  She has taught me more in four years about what being a good human being means than anything else in my almost 25 years has. Her mom told me this evening that she's been asking to see me lately, and that's the ultimate compliment.

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Tonight, Mike, Colleen, Annie, Giorgia, and I went to dinner at La Taverna Dei Fori Imperiali. Incredible meal aside, it was so refreshing to get some time with them. I felt a bit greedy having them alone, but it was the best night I've had in a while. As usual, Annie was the star. All of the staff at the restaurant love her and know her well. She's goes back in the kitchen. She delivered checks to tables for other diners. She spread her joy, as she always does. Tonight, I realized how hard it will be for me when they go. I know it will be doubly hard for them to leave their second home, but I'll miss all of them so much. I'll miss Annie's screaming my name and running to hug me from the other side of the room. I'll miss Giorgia's baby smile. I'll miss Colleen's wisdom and honesty. I'll miss Mike's sense of humor and clarity of mind in every situation. I'm getting used to them being here, and while I'm scared to do that, I know I'm getting the most out of them being here by letting it feel normal. Tonight's dinner was perfect, and I was as impressed as always by the force that is Annie Beazley and her incredible family. Colleen said to me, "the world would be so much better if every government office had a person with Down syndrome in it." It's so true. It's a love that you don't get from anyone else. The world needs people with Down syndrome. I would be thrilled to have a child with Down syndrome. I know it presents challenges and hard days, but that's all worth it in my eyes. Annie is the epitome of caring for others. The way she was convinced by her parents to eat a bite of her food was when they told her it would make her sister happy. If you'd have told me anything would make my sister happy as a child, I probably would've done the opposite. Each day and each interaction with Annie, I wish I could mold my soul to be more like hers.

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The Beazley family leaves on Wednesday, and the sadness is setting in. Annie turned 5 on Friday, and we're celebrating tomorrow with a dinner on the terrace. I'm glad my Spain trip didn't exclude me from the celebration. As I mentally try to prepare myself for their leaving, I can't help but feel so incredibly lucky for this semester. It truly was the happiest few months of my life. On top of the joy of Rome and the job and all else, I had Annie, Giorgia, Colleen, and Mike to make it all the better. Getting a giant running afternoon hug from Annie made the days so much brighter. Seeing Giorgia grow even in the short few months she was here was smile inducing. Getting life advice from Colleen and having her around as a friend was such an incredible treat. Having Mike around professionally and personally as a friend and mentor was invaluable to my growth, and I'll miss him dearly.

As I sit on an airplane home from Madrid, it is the first semi-sad return to Rome in a while. I've got to confront their leaving in three days, and it sucks. I say semi-sad because I'm realizing how fortunate it has been to have them here. I don't think I can adequately express what this family has become in my life, but I'd be hard pressed to find a group of 4 humans I love more. I found myself trying to figure out when the next time I would see them is, and it can't come soon enough. Time flies. It seems like they arrived in Rome yesterday, and they weren't here hardly long enough. I take some comfort in knowing that time will fly until I'm back in Chicago and seeing them. Buon viaggio, Beazleys. Missing you already, and you haven't even left.