This one's been brewing in my brain for a few weeks now, and today, there was a catalyst that was finally able to help me put coherent thoughts together. Perhaps some of you read today's news story about Colin Kaepernick. In short, he's a pro football player who sat during the national anthem during a preseason game this week. He explained in the post-game that he didn't feel he could stand up for America right now because something is wrong with it, specifically in regards to racial inequality.
Well, gosh darnit, Colin, good for you. I want to talk for a second about criticism. There tends to be this negative connotation to the word 'criticism,' and I don't think it's a negative word. For me, criticism ultimately means improvement. Does that mean that criticism can't be used to harm or insult others? Of course it doesn't. There's a nice way to go about criticism and a not-so-nice way, just like there is with anything else. However, people are so uncomfortable with hearing that something is wrong with themselves, or with a task they're doing, or even with the country they're from, that criticism has developed a reputation as a dirty word.
Instead of criticism, we say, "Let me offer some advice." Again, not altogether incorrect, but in most instances where someone is offering "advice," they're really offering criticism. The dictionary defines criticism as "the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing." If you ask me, noting faults and disapproving of them isn't a bad thing. Instead, it's how you help people, ideas, and places to grow into their best selves.
My dear friend Pedro once told me that I was particular bad at taking criticism. It was kind of funny because I immediately got really defensive (seeing the irony in that?). I try to be more mindful of it now; that's for sure. We always think that we're right and that we know the best way to do things. It's good to be confident to a certain degree, but we shouldn't be so confident as to not realize that we don't always do everything right. I think that one of the biggest roles a friend should play is to straight up tell you when you're wrong. So many of my good friends are willing to do this for me, and I appreciate and respect it.
So, let's wrap back around to Colin Kaepernick. The man sat on the bench during the anthem to offer a criticism, and holy hell, did some people get really angry. I did some brief looking through the Twitter world, and people were accusing him of "hating the country that made him a millionaire,"of being an "idiot," of being "disrespecful," and of a whole host of other things.
The people saying things like this, while offering their own criticisms of the act, are misguided. Colin isn't unAmerican. He isn't a traitor who hates America. I would argue that he cares about America a whole lot if he is willing to criticize it and try to make it better.
When did America become so creepy and cult-like? "Sing the anthem and recite the pledge of allegiance, or you can move back to wherever you came from, you commie!" Do people really not see what the problem with blind faith in anything is? You have to be willing to ask questions, to criticize, and to not be proud of something for it to work. Let me dumb it down a bit.
So, you write a paper for school. It has to be 25 pages long. You write the whole thing, and you turn it in the second you've typed the last word. Do you think it will be any good? Sometimes perhaps! Most writers however, will read their own work over and over again, fixing it, criticizing it, questioning if things are right. For some reason, so many people are unwilling to do that in regards to the place they call home. Why can't we proofread it a bit instead of taking the actions of our country for creed?
I had a discussion with my mom when I was home a few weeks ago, and I offered a lot of criticisms of America, of Trump, of my home. She shot back at me at one point by saying, "Well, I'm sure Italy has its problems, too!" She's darn right! I think people think that because I don't live in the US, I think where I'm living is heaven on earth and that when I criticize the US, it's because things are so much better here. Let me be the first to tell you that in a lot of ways, Italy is a complete shit-show. It doesn't even take close scrutiny to see it. However, for some reason, if I talk about racial inequality or gun control in the States, I often receive a lot of backlash (Kaepernick was pretty clear that he knew the backlash was coming). If I talk about racism in Italy, the mafia, how inefficiently things run, or any other problem here, it generally isn't taken as a hatred for Italy. It's a criticism, and most Italians are thick-skinned enough to take it.
What happened to the thick skin, America? When did we get so awful at taking criticism? When did we decide that pointing out mistakes or faults meant I was a bad friend? I don't think I'm unAmerican at all. I care very deeply about America. I think it has the potential to be a great nation. We used to be a nation of immigrants, and now we have disdain for them. The national identity used to be the melting pot, and we took pride in it. I don't think that's so much the case anymore.
America has always had its problems, and there's always been resistance to change. People like Kaepernick who have a big stage that they can stand on and say, "something isn't right here," should do so. There's a lot in America that isn't right. A hell of a lot of days, I'm not proud to the point of shame for being an American, and that's okay. Humans feel shame when they do stupid stuff, and America is part of my identity, so I feel shame when it does stupid stuff. It's logical.
Learn to take criticism. See it as a way to move forward and not a way to point fingers and debate loyalty.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Identity
Well, perhaps I should be doing more of this than I generally do, but I think it's time I admitted something:
I have made a grave mistake.
I made the mistake of thinking I understood at all who I am. We ask that question all the time of ourselves and others. Who are you? What defines you? My mistake was that I thought I had myself all figured out. If someone asked me who I was, I probably would start with a bunch of different societally imposed attributes: I'm white; I'm 24 years old; I'm straight; I work at a university in Rome. How stupid does all of that sound in the context of asking who I am? We define ourselves in so many ways without being able to really pinpoint who we are and what makes us tick.
Think of other ways we define ourselves. Maybe your religion, or your taste in music, or your political affiliation is what your go-to answer is. Either way, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it's all a load of crap.
None of that is who I am. None of that defines my personality, and none of it really has any consequence. Let me use an example: we're on a first date. You ask me, "Who are you?" I respond that I'm a liberal, atheist, laid back, travel addict. I used 5 labels there, and the labels themselves meant very little, but rather, it's what you inferred from them.
So I'm all of those things, yes, but your brain has just made snap judgments about those labels without any true discovery. It's the bias we all carry, and it's more important now to recognize that than I think it ever has been. We know nothing of someone based on their labels, and I've spent years upon years defining myself by my labels. So, how do we really define a person?
I think who you are depends on your values. What you value is what people are trying to manifest when they label you, albeit often falsely. You only learn what a person truly values by getting to know them, and we try to take the shortcut because our brains tell us that's the easy way. "Oh, you're a Republican. Then, you don't value women's rights and you're a religious nut." "Oh, you support Hillary, so you support her support of foreign wars." All of these assumptions might be true, but we pre-judge, and we do it without even thinking about it.
So, back to my original point. I've made a mistake, and that was thinking that I should define myself by what other people tell me I am. There's certain things that I certainly am. Some labels work, I suppose, but that's not to say that they're set in stone and we have to accept them. Instead of my first thought being my demographics when someone asks me who I am, I want my first thought to be: "Me, Ryan Bedell? I'm honest, friendly, caring, compassionate, empathetic." I don't necessarily believe all those things, but I think my identity as a person is that those things are what I value. Those are what I look for in others. That is who I want to be. Does any of the other stuff matter all that much? Yes, yes it does, but it doesn't define me, and we're starting to define ourselves by things that I think really shouldn't define us. Your political affiliation isn't you as a person. Your love of ballet and cheeseburgers isn't who you are; it's what you like.
I think defining myself the wrong way led me to a point of low self-worth early on in life. I'm certainly not the first to acknowledge a job well done on my behalf. I take compliments from others and try to shoot them down and say that it's not true. I have trouble seeing why I could ever be attractive to a woman. I have so often defined myself by shit that doesn't matter, that I doubt myself at every turn. I'm writing this because I want my sense of identity to come from something else, and that is what I value and what I hope to be. I don't hope to be a supporter of my political party. I don't hope to be the world's biggest Avett Brother's fan. Those are my interests. I hope to be kind, to support those around me and those in need, to be honest, to be a good human. I hope to be a person of values, so why don't I let that define me and gather my self-worth from that?
I suppose that's the goal, and I'm working towards it. The ideal and the actuality aren't always the same. I won't always be honest, kind, and compassionate. I'll make mistakes, but I think I'm ready to define myself by the fact that I want to be those things for myself, I value them, and sometimes, I have those characteristics.
I reread that, and it didn't make nearly enough sense, but I'm sticking with it. Have a good one, ya'll.
I have made a grave mistake.
I made the mistake of thinking I understood at all who I am. We ask that question all the time of ourselves and others. Who are you? What defines you? My mistake was that I thought I had myself all figured out. If someone asked me who I was, I probably would start with a bunch of different societally imposed attributes: I'm white; I'm 24 years old; I'm straight; I work at a university in Rome. How stupid does all of that sound in the context of asking who I am? We define ourselves in so many ways without being able to really pinpoint who we are and what makes us tick.
Think of other ways we define ourselves. Maybe your religion, or your taste in music, or your political affiliation is what your go-to answer is. Either way, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that it's all a load of crap.
None of that is who I am. None of that defines my personality, and none of it really has any consequence. Let me use an example: we're on a first date. You ask me, "Who are you?" I respond that I'm a liberal, atheist, laid back, travel addict. I used 5 labels there, and the labels themselves meant very little, but rather, it's what you inferred from them.
So I'm all of those things, yes, but your brain has just made snap judgments about those labels without any true discovery. It's the bias we all carry, and it's more important now to recognize that than I think it ever has been. We know nothing of someone based on their labels, and I've spent years upon years defining myself by my labels. So, how do we really define a person?
I think who you are depends on your values. What you value is what people are trying to manifest when they label you, albeit often falsely. You only learn what a person truly values by getting to know them, and we try to take the shortcut because our brains tell us that's the easy way. "Oh, you're a Republican. Then, you don't value women's rights and you're a religious nut." "Oh, you support Hillary, so you support her support of foreign wars." All of these assumptions might be true, but we pre-judge, and we do it without even thinking about it.
So, back to my original point. I've made a mistake, and that was thinking that I should define myself by what other people tell me I am. There's certain things that I certainly am. Some labels work, I suppose, but that's not to say that they're set in stone and we have to accept them. Instead of my first thought being my demographics when someone asks me who I am, I want my first thought to be: "Me, Ryan Bedell? I'm honest, friendly, caring, compassionate, empathetic." I don't necessarily believe all those things, but I think my identity as a person is that those things are what I value. Those are what I look for in others. That is who I want to be. Does any of the other stuff matter all that much? Yes, yes it does, but it doesn't define me, and we're starting to define ourselves by things that I think really shouldn't define us. Your political affiliation isn't you as a person. Your love of ballet and cheeseburgers isn't who you are; it's what you like.
I think defining myself the wrong way led me to a point of low self-worth early on in life. I'm certainly not the first to acknowledge a job well done on my behalf. I take compliments from others and try to shoot them down and say that it's not true. I have trouble seeing why I could ever be attractive to a woman. I have so often defined myself by shit that doesn't matter, that I doubt myself at every turn. I'm writing this because I want my sense of identity to come from something else, and that is what I value and what I hope to be. I don't hope to be a supporter of my political party. I don't hope to be the world's biggest Avett Brother's fan. Those are my interests. I hope to be kind, to support those around me and those in need, to be honest, to be a good human. I hope to be a person of values, so why don't I let that define me and gather my self-worth from that?
I suppose that's the goal, and I'm working towards it. The ideal and the actuality aren't always the same. I won't always be honest, kind, and compassionate. I'll make mistakes, but I think I'm ready to define myself by the fact that I want to be those things for myself, I value them, and sometimes, I have those characteristics.
I reread that, and it didn't make nearly enough sense, but I'm sticking with it. Have a good one, ya'll.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Respect
So many of the conversations in my life recently have come down to respect. It's an interesting concept. The dictionary gives several different definitions for the verb "to respect":
1. To hold in esteem or honor
2. To show regard or consideration for
3. To refrain from intruding upon or interfering with
4. To relate or have reference to
Here's where I think I stand on respect overall. Every single human on this planet deserves, for the sole reason that they are in fact a human being, to be considered and afforded basic rights and necessities as a human. I think that is a form of respect that is a natural right to every human regardless of any factors. I think that beyond that, the definition of respect and where it is due has gotten skewed recently.
Opinions do not have to be respected. "You have to respect my opinion." No, no I do not. If your opinion is completely idiotic, founded in no evidence or research, or just completely wrong but you insist on holding it anyway, I don't think that it deserves respect. For instance:
"Let's build a wall on the border with Mexico to keep out rapists and thieves and drugs."
That sentence does not deserve respect. It is not an opinion that I have to consider. It is not one founded in evidence (that putting up a wall would do any of those things), and it is racist at it's core. It is not for the betterment of humanity, and it does not deserve respect.
One that would deserve consideration (while I don't know it to be true, but am using as an example):
"Tougher border policies statistically contribute to less drugs entering the country illegally, so I think we should have tougher border policies."
I can have a discussion about that! It's an opinion, and while I have a right to refute it, it's one that can be considered because you thought about it once or twice before you asserted it. Supposedly, you didn't just make it up.
You see, I think respect is a word that has a lot of meanings, as shown above, but that many folks have taken to mean only one thing. I think people bundle up all four of those definitions into one over arching term of respect, and say that everyone deserves it. Certain things deserve to be held in esteem or honor, and some don't. Certain things deserve to be regarded or considered. Certain things deserve to be referenced. Others do not. That respect is different than the one that each human I believe deserves on account of being human.
Here's where we really get into muddy waters. Religion. For some reason, our society has decided that all religions, just by nature of calling themselves religions, deserve a disproportionate amount of respect. "Feel free to have a political discussion for hours and yell at each other, but my religion deserves respect!" I completely disagree. If the church says that gay people shouldn't be able to get married on the basis of scripture, to me that isn't a valid argument. If the church says contraception is prohibited on the basis of scripture (to be clear, that isn't really in scripture, just like the trinity isn't, and the virgin birth is in 2/4 gospels), it's not a valid argument. Just because religion says something doesn't mean it deserves respect. Atheism or agnosticism aren't considered religions (despite producing great people who are deep thinkers and moral beacons), thus, in the eyes of many, those folks don't deserve to have their opinions respected. The two way street is hard to come by sometimes.
Additionally, belief in religion is in fact an opinion, and we require folks to be able to defend most opinions they give nowadays. You like Hillary more than Ben Carson? Why? You like Dominos more than Pizza Hut? Why? But you believe in Islam over Christianity, or Catholicism over Hinduism? We're not allowed to ask why. Religion is religion, and it's a protected opinion in our society for some reason. I don't understand why the question of why you believe what you believe is a taboo question, and why people have trouble answering it. It's arguably the most important opinion to a lot of peoples' hearts, but they can't defend it if asked to.
Opinions don't deserve respect inherently like humans do. They're human-made, and thus subject to error. My friend Sam said today in the office, "If opinions have caused people to be lynched, why do they deserve respect? They threaten lives at a certain point."
"You have to respect my opinion," is not something I will ever ascribe to. I know it puts me in muddy waters with what opinions deserve respect, but I think it's fair to say that if it's defensible with logic, reason, or in general any sort of useful defense, perhaps it deserves to be considered. Is it counter to the betterment of humanity? Is it racist, sexist, meant to divide in any way? Why should I respect it?
I don't believe that any opinion is protected from being questioned on the basis of respect. If you want me to respect it, let me question it, and explain to me why it is deserving of respect. Some opinions can be shot down pretty quickly, like, "I think we should bomb a small country for no reason." I could pick that apart for why it's a bad idea. All opinions don't start on equal playing fields.
Anyway, that's enough of a rant for today. Hope all is well for friends and family worldwide.
1. To hold in esteem or honor
2. To show regard or consideration for
3. To refrain from intruding upon or interfering with
4. To relate or have reference to
Here's where I think I stand on respect overall. Every single human on this planet deserves, for the sole reason that they are in fact a human being, to be considered and afforded basic rights and necessities as a human. I think that is a form of respect that is a natural right to every human regardless of any factors. I think that beyond that, the definition of respect and where it is due has gotten skewed recently.
Opinions do not have to be respected. "You have to respect my opinion." No, no I do not. If your opinion is completely idiotic, founded in no evidence or research, or just completely wrong but you insist on holding it anyway, I don't think that it deserves respect. For instance:
"Let's build a wall on the border with Mexico to keep out rapists and thieves and drugs."
That sentence does not deserve respect. It is not an opinion that I have to consider. It is not one founded in evidence (that putting up a wall would do any of those things), and it is racist at it's core. It is not for the betterment of humanity, and it does not deserve respect.
One that would deserve consideration (while I don't know it to be true, but am using as an example):
"Tougher border policies statistically contribute to less drugs entering the country illegally, so I think we should have tougher border policies."
I can have a discussion about that! It's an opinion, and while I have a right to refute it, it's one that can be considered because you thought about it once or twice before you asserted it. Supposedly, you didn't just make it up.
You see, I think respect is a word that has a lot of meanings, as shown above, but that many folks have taken to mean only one thing. I think people bundle up all four of those definitions into one over arching term of respect, and say that everyone deserves it. Certain things deserve to be held in esteem or honor, and some don't. Certain things deserve to be regarded or considered. Certain things deserve to be referenced. Others do not. That respect is different than the one that each human I believe deserves on account of being human.
Here's where we really get into muddy waters. Religion. For some reason, our society has decided that all religions, just by nature of calling themselves religions, deserve a disproportionate amount of respect. "Feel free to have a political discussion for hours and yell at each other, but my religion deserves respect!" I completely disagree. If the church says that gay people shouldn't be able to get married on the basis of scripture, to me that isn't a valid argument. If the church says contraception is prohibited on the basis of scripture (to be clear, that isn't really in scripture, just like the trinity isn't, and the virgin birth is in 2/4 gospels), it's not a valid argument. Just because religion says something doesn't mean it deserves respect. Atheism or agnosticism aren't considered religions (despite producing great people who are deep thinkers and moral beacons), thus, in the eyes of many, those folks don't deserve to have their opinions respected. The two way street is hard to come by sometimes.
Additionally, belief in religion is in fact an opinion, and we require folks to be able to defend most opinions they give nowadays. You like Hillary more than Ben Carson? Why? You like Dominos more than Pizza Hut? Why? But you believe in Islam over Christianity, or Catholicism over Hinduism? We're not allowed to ask why. Religion is religion, and it's a protected opinion in our society for some reason. I don't understand why the question of why you believe what you believe is a taboo question, and why people have trouble answering it. It's arguably the most important opinion to a lot of peoples' hearts, but they can't defend it if asked to.
Opinions don't deserve respect inherently like humans do. They're human-made, and thus subject to error. My friend Sam said today in the office, "If opinions have caused people to be lynched, why do they deserve respect? They threaten lives at a certain point."
"You have to respect my opinion," is not something I will ever ascribe to. I know it puts me in muddy waters with what opinions deserve respect, but I think it's fair to say that if it's defensible with logic, reason, or in general any sort of useful defense, perhaps it deserves to be considered. Is it counter to the betterment of humanity? Is it racist, sexist, meant to divide in any way? Why should I respect it?
I don't believe that any opinion is protected from being questioned on the basis of respect. If you want me to respect it, let me question it, and explain to me why it is deserving of respect. Some opinions can be shot down pretty quickly, like, "I think we should bomb a small country for no reason." I could pick that apart for why it's a bad idea. All opinions don't start on equal playing fields.
Anyway, that's enough of a rant for today. Hope all is well for friends and family worldwide.
Sunday, April 24, 2016
Responsibility
I find that as I grow older, my responsibilities grow. Sounds pretty obvious, I suppose, but it hasn't made sense to me until I started living it in real time. There's the really obvious ones, like the responsibilities of paying the bills, having a job, being more mature, etc. But there's responsibilities I didn't anticipate.
In general, I think part of growing up is accepting responsibility for your actions. Adults own up to it when they do something they shouldn't have, plain and simple. The more I'm around college students on a daily basis, I realize that they're still young. They still have a lot of growing up to do, and so do I. However, as you get older, admitting when you've done wrong becomes all the more important. There's no honor or positive outcome in trying to put responsibility for your wrongs on someone else. As a kid, you think, "Oh, wow, I did something really bad, and I'm going to get in trouble," and you want to avoid the punishment. That attitude still lingers in a lot of college students I encounter. However, as you grow older, people respect you more when you admit your responsibility for an action. We all make mistakes. We all do dumb things.
As I've grown, I've started to realize further the responsibility I have towards others. We have a responsibility towards others in every interaction we have. Take dating, for example. You are responsible for your own feelings, but you're also responsible for how your actions affect the person you're dating. If you're a bad partner, you're responsible for it. When you're 18 and dating is less serious, you have less responsibility. That's not to say you shouldn't try to be a good person at all ages, but as you grow older, and your actions carry more weight, inevitably there comes more responsibility with those actions. I'm realizing that as I go along. If you screw up monumentally and break someone's heart at 16, it's not as big of a deal as if you do it at 25.
You have more responsibility toward your friends as you grow older. The problems we encounter carry more substance as we grow, and your shoulder to lean on needs to be sturdier. We're responsible for more in general. We all have so much on our plates, whether it's school, jobs, loans, relationships, family stuff, or any other number of things. Life carries more weight and has more meaning now. Quite frankly, I think the added weight makes things more beautiful. I find myself putting more passion into my work because it means something. My part-time jobs never merited very much passion. I find myself being deeper and more interested in a person in romantic love. It's less surface-level, and I don't dilly dally. If you're not my type, I move on. When you have less time, and everything carries more gravity, you quickly delegate what makes sense to take responsibility for and what doesn't.
I love having more responsibility in my life. It's been an adjustment post-college, and it took time to be ready for the 'real world.' Full-time jobs, loan payments, and first dates where a girl looks at you and thinks, "Is he the type of guy I could marry?" Real life hits hard, but it fights fairly. We're growing up, and it's not a negative thing. I have never been happier, but I have more responsibility than I've ever had in my life.
So, maybe I've finally found a maturity streak in my life (not too much obviously). Being an adult doesn't mean abandoning being a kid. It means keeping your spirit young but your decision-making more informed. It means taking all of your experience thus far, and using it to be a good person. I think I'll always be a kid at heart. I'll always have a child's curiosity, a bit of teenager recklessness, and to a certain degree an innocence, a desire to trust and be trusted.
Every time I get to the end of writing one of these, I think to myself, "Wow, that was a lot of rambling," but they always make sense in my head. Hope it's not too haphazard. Have a good week!
In general, I think part of growing up is accepting responsibility for your actions. Adults own up to it when they do something they shouldn't have, plain and simple. The more I'm around college students on a daily basis, I realize that they're still young. They still have a lot of growing up to do, and so do I. However, as you get older, admitting when you've done wrong becomes all the more important. There's no honor or positive outcome in trying to put responsibility for your wrongs on someone else. As a kid, you think, "Oh, wow, I did something really bad, and I'm going to get in trouble," and you want to avoid the punishment. That attitude still lingers in a lot of college students I encounter. However, as you grow older, people respect you more when you admit your responsibility for an action. We all make mistakes. We all do dumb things.
As I've grown, I've started to realize further the responsibility I have towards others. We have a responsibility towards others in every interaction we have. Take dating, for example. You are responsible for your own feelings, but you're also responsible for how your actions affect the person you're dating. If you're a bad partner, you're responsible for it. When you're 18 and dating is less serious, you have less responsibility. That's not to say you shouldn't try to be a good person at all ages, but as you grow older, and your actions carry more weight, inevitably there comes more responsibility with those actions. I'm realizing that as I go along. If you screw up monumentally and break someone's heart at 16, it's not as big of a deal as if you do it at 25.
You have more responsibility toward your friends as you grow older. The problems we encounter carry more substance as we grow, and your shoulder to lean on needs to be sturdier. We're responsible for more in general. We all have so much on our plates, whether it's school, jobs, loans, relationships, family stuff, or any other number of things. Life carries more weight and has more meaning now. Quite frankly, I think the added weight makes things more beautiful. I find myself putting more passion into my work because it means something. My part-time jobs never merited very much passion. I find myself being deeper and more interested in a person in romantic love. It's less surface-level, and I don't dilly dally. If you're not my type, I move on. When you have less time, and everything carries more gravity, you quickly delegate what makes sense to take responsibility for and what doesn't.
I love having more responsibility in my life. It's been an adjustment post-college, and it took time to be ready for the 'real world.' Full-time jobs, loan payments, and first dates where a girl looks at you and thinks, "Is he the type of guy I could marry?" Real life hits hard, but it fights fairly. We're growing up, and it's not a negative thing. I have never been happier, but I have more responsibility than I've ever had in my life.
So, maybe I've finally found a maturity streak in my life (not too much obviously). Being an adult doesn't mean abandoning being a kid. It means keeping your spirit young but your decision-making more informed. It means taking all of your experience thus far, and using it to be a good person. I think I'll always be a kid at heart. I'll always have a child's curiosity, a bit of teenager recklessness, and to a certain degree an innocence, a desire to trust and be trusted.
Every time I get to the end of writing one of these, I think to myself, "Wow, that was a lot of rambling," but they always make sense in my head. Hope it's not too haphazard. Have a good week!
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
Goodbye Beazleys
Two things I've said before, and I will say again:
1. Home is not places. It is love.
2. Family is much bigger than blood.
The Beazley family came home this semester, and they're going home today to Chicago. They're surrounded by love everywhere they go. Their family here misses them already. My sadness is immense today, but I won't harp on that. Instead, I'm going to share three things I wrote throughout the course of the semester when I was generally overcome with love for the Beazleys. They are transcribed in full below. Miss and love you so much, Beazleys!
Every day I'm around Annie Beazley, I learn something new. Today, I was struck by her joy as she hugged all the students with a huge smile on her face. I was struck by her eagerness to embrace everyone around her with a handshake or a hug. Yesterday, she struck me with how quickly she moved on from biting her tongue; she's the same way when you upset her emotionally. She moves on in a minute or two.
Tonight, her dad was giving a speech to 220 new students, and she ran up to him and started tugging at him. He picked her up, and as she looked out to the crowd of students and waved with a huge smile on her face, I found a few tears of happiness welling up in my eyes. Annie, at just shy of five years old, is everything I aspire to be in a human, and she's here with me in Rome (along with her beautiful family).
When Annie was little, I probably wouldn't have been able to put into words how she affects those around her. In one sense, when I was a student, she was an adorable baby around campus, and even those who didn't put much effort into getting to know her enjoyed her presence. I realize now that Annie is older, that it was never about her being a cute baby. It's the joy, the love, and gigantic heart that make her stand out.
Annie's little sister Giorgia is pretty lucky. While I imagine they'll do quite a bit of teaching each other things, I already know this: Giorgia will learn love, in a way she couldn't learn from anyone else, from her sister. Annie will be protective. I can already see when they interact that Annie wants only what's best for her. Annie has a profound impact on people she bumps into at the grocery store; I can't imagine the joy and fulfilment she will bring to her sister's life.
She certainly has brought joy and fulfilment to my life. Annie lives in each moment more than any of us are capable. She thinks about you when she's with you, and you get her full attention and love. What a wonderful world it would be if we could all do the same and truly be present in our daily lives and give our interactions with others our full soul. If you're hurt, she runs over concerned to give you a hug. If you're laughing, she laughs with you even if she's not sure why you're laughing. She has taught me more in four years about what being a good human being means than anything else in my almost 25 years has. Her mom told me this evening that she's been asking to see me lately, and that's the ultimate compliment.
--------------------
Tonight, Mike, Colleen, Annie, Giorgia, and I went to dinner at La Taverna Dei Fori Imperiali. Incredible meal aside, it was so refreshing to get some time with them. I felt a bit greedy having them alone, but it was the best night I've had in a while. As usual, Annie was the star. All of the staff at the restaurant love her and know her well. She's goes back in the kitchen. She delivered checks to tables for other diners. She spread her joy, as she always does. Tonight, I realized how hard it will be for me when they go. I know it will be doubly hard for them to leave their second home, but I'll miss all of them so much. I'll miss Annie's screaming my name and running to hug me from the other side of the room. I'll miss Giorgia's baby smile. I'll miss Colleen's wisdom and honesty. I'll miss Mike's sense of humor and clarity of mind in every situation. I'm getting used to them being here, and while I'm scared to do that, I know I'm getting the most out of them being here by letting it feel normal. Tonight's dinner was perfect, and I was as impressed as always by the force that is Annie Beazley and her incredible family. Colleen said to me, "the world would be so much better if every government office had a person with Down syndrome in it." It's so true. It's a love that you don't get from anyone else. The world needs people with Down syndrome. I would be thrilled to have a child with Down syndrome. I know it presents challenges and hard days, but that's all worth it in my eyes. Annie is the epitome of caring for others. The way she was convinced by her parents to eat a bite of her food was when they told her it would make her sister happy. If you'd have told me anything would make my sister happy as a child, I probably would've done the opposite. Each day and each interaction with Annie, I wish I could mold my soul to be more like hers.
--------------------
The Beazley family leaves on Wednesday, and the sadness is setting in. Annie turned 5 on Friday, and we're celebrating tomorrow with a dinner on the terrace. I'm glad my Spain trip didn't exclude me from the celebration. As I mentally try to prepare myself for their leaving, I can't help but feel so incredibly lucky for this semester. It truly was the happiest few months of my life. On top of the joy of Rome and the job and all else, I had Annie, Giorgia, Colleen, and Mike to make it all the better. Getting a giant running afternoon hug from Annie made the days so much brighter. Seeing Giorgia grow even in the short few months she was here was smile inducing. Getting life advice from Colleen and having her around as a friend was such an incredible treat. Having Mike around professionally and personally as a friend and mentor was invaluable to my growth, and I'll miss him dearly.
As I sit on an airplane home from Madrid, it is the first semi-sad return to Rome in a while. I've got to confront their leaving in three days, and it sucks. I say semi-sad because I'm realizing how fortunate it has been to have them here. I don't think I can adequately express what this family has become in my life, but I'd be hard pressed to find a group of 4 humans I love more. I found myself trying to figure out when the next time I would see them is, and it can't come soon enough. Time flies. It seems like they arrived in Rome yesterday, and they weren't here hardly long enough. I take some comfort in knowing that time will fly until I'm back in Chicago and seeing them. Buon viaggio, Beazleys. Missing you already, and you haven't even left.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Dear Family and Friends...
Dear family and friends who support Donald Trump,
I'm hopping on the bandwagon and sending a message your way. I'm sure I'm not the first person who has discussed this with you, and I'm sure I won't be the last.
My parents and I had a great political discussion via Skype the other day, and the subject of family and friends who support Trump came up. Admittedly, I shouldn't be surprised, but nonetheless, I am. My mother was more than a little bit concerned about the way I might treat you all because of your inclination towards Trump. "Family and friends are important. You can't just write them off because of their political views." My mother is a saint of a woman, and it is for her that I am writing this to you. I'm going to explain myself very clearly.
The famous reporter and blogger behind Humans of New York recently said that supporting Trump is no longer a political issue. It is a moral one. In fact, I would be hard pressed to find an issue that Trump brings up that doesn't carry some sort of moral bearing. Things you see as political, like removing all Muslims from the United States or building a wall on the border of Mexico, might be political ideas to you, but they are also highly moral, and they come not from a background of advancing a political agenda. They come from a background of scapegoating, hatred, and misinformation.
So, here I come in, and I see that you support this kind of rhetoric. In my mind, that reflects on you that you support racism, xenophobia, hatred, bigotry, and violence. When Trump says, "You should punch them in the face," do you cheer along with the crowd? Do you feel any pangs of fear or guilt in your stomach, or are you so bought in that you don't see what he's saying? You teach your kids not to hit one another, and a grown man gets on stage every night and tells people to do just that, and it doesn't bother you? I don't understand.
I understand times are tough in the States, and you want something new. If you're willing to overlook Trump's gross immoralities and hatred because you think he's a straight shooter, I can't help but think you've undergone some sort of moral transformation. Your struggles with the economy, with housing, with jobs, whatever it may be, have gotten you so angry that you've lost who you are in favor of hatred and bigotry. That's the only conclusion I can draw. That, or you've been hateful all along, and it just took someone coming out and saying it for you to show your true colors. You fooled me. You don't see the hateful rhetoric from any of the other Republican front runners. I assure you, my qualms aren't partisan.
I'm not here to tell you I don't love you anymore, or that I absolutely cannot have you in my life. That said, if we're being honest, I do think less of you. I suppose I just expected better. If Trump comes up at the dinner table, don't expect me to stick around. If I know I won't change your mind, what's the point in speaking up? I'll just leave the room. My parents and upbringing always taught me to surround yourself with people who build you up and who make you a better person. If you believe what Trump is pitching and you advocate for it, you do neither of those things. You promote hatred, ignorance, and anarchy. I don't care how bad the political situation has gotten or if you feel that your status as an American has lowered. If you have food on your table, you're doing better than a lot of folks. What Trump is doing is taking those who feel disenfranchised and giving them someone to disenfranchise further. If you can knock someone to the rung below you, maybe you'll really feel like things are going well for you. If you can alienate Muslims, Mexicans, Democrats, or anyone else you don't like, maybe your life will feel like it has more meaning. Is that really the schoolyard mentality that you've devolved to? My disappointment can't be conveyed in a few words on the Internet.
So, moving forward, know that I still love you, but things won't be the same for us. In every conversation and every glance, there will be disappointment. They say blood is thicker than water, and were you not already a fixture in my life who I really value, I may not have afforded you the courtesy. I have defriended others on Facebook, been scathing, been angry. Know that your support of Donald Trump says more about you than who you want to be president. It says what you want America to become, and I can assure that Donald's America will not be great again. It will be the worst it has ever been.
I'm sorry if this seems unfair, but I've said my piece, and I mean it.
I wish you a change of heart to love, peace, and understanding. I'll always be here when you need me.
Love,
Ryan
I'm hopping on the bandwagon and sending a message your way. I'm sure I'm not the first person who has discussed this with you, and I'm sure I won't be the last.
My parents and I had a great political discussion via Skype the other day, and the subject of family and friends who support Trump came up. Admittedly, I shouldn't be surprised, but nonetheless, I am. My mother was more than a little bit concerned about the way I might treat you all because of your inclination towards Trump. "Family and friends are important. You can't just write them off because of their political views." My mother is a saint of a woman, and it is for her that I am writing this to you. I'm going to explain myself very clearly.
The famous reporter and blogger behind Humans of New York recently said that supporting Trump is no longer a political issue. It is a moral one. In fact, I would be hard pressed to find an issue that Trump brings up that doesn't carry some sort of moral bearing. Things you see as political, like removing all Muslims from the United States or building a wall on the border of Mexico, might be political ideas to you, but they are also highly moral, and they come not from a background of advancing a political agenda. They come from a background of scapegoating, hatred, and misinformation.
So, here I come in, and I see that you support this kind of rhetoric. In my mind, that reflects on you that you support racism, xenophobia, hatred, bigotry, and violence. When Trump says, "You should punch them in the face," do you cheer along with the crowd? Do you feel any pangs of fear or guilt in your stomach, or are you so bought in that you don't see what he's saying? You teach your kids not to hit one another, and a grown man gets on stage every night and tells people to do just that, and it doesn't bother you? I don't understand.
I understand times are tough in the States, and you want something new. If you're willing to overlook Trump's gross immoralities and hatred because you think he's a straight shooter, I can't help but think you've undergone some sort of moral transformation. Your struggles with the economy, with housing, with jobs, whatever it may be, have gotten you so angry that you've lost who you are in favor of hatred and bigotry. That's the only conclusion I can draw. That, or you've been hateful all along, and it just took someone coming out and saying it for you to show your true colors. You fooled me. You don't see the hateful rhetoric from any of the other Republican front runners. I assure you, my qualms aren't partisan.
I'm not here to tell you I don't love you anymore, or that I absolutely cannot have you in my life. That said, if we're being honest, I do think less of you. I suppose I just expected better. If Trump comes up at the dinner table, don't expect me to stick around. If I know I won't change your mind, what's the point in speaking up? I'll just leave the room. My parents and upbringing always taught me to surround yourself with people who build you up and who make you a better person. If you believe what Trump is pitching and you advocate for it, you do neither of those things. You promote hatred, ignorance, and anarchy. I don't care how bad the political situation has gotten or if you feel that your status as an American has lowered. If you have food on your table, you're doing better than a lot of folks. What Trump is doing is taking those who feel disenfranchised and giving them someone to disenfranchise further. If you can knock someone to the rung below you, maybe you'll really feel like things are going well for you. If you can alienate Muslims, Mexicans, Democrats, or anyone else you don't like, maybe your life will feel like it has more meaning. Is that really the schoolyard mentality that you've devolved to? My disappointment can't be conveyed in a few words on the Internet.
So, moving forward, know that I still love you, but things won't be the same for us. In every conversation and every glance, there will be disappointment. They say blood is thicker than water, and were you not already a fixture in my life who I really value, I may not have afforded you the courtesy. I have defriended others on Facebook, been scathing, been angry. Know that your support of Donald Trump says more about you than who you want to be president. It says what you want America to become, and I can assure that Donald's America will not be great again. It will be the worst it has ever been.
I'm sorry if this seems unfair, but I've said my piece, and I mean it.
I wish you a change of heart to love, peace, and understanding. I'll always be here when you need me.
Love,
Ryan
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
Shower Thoughts
Lately, I've had some heavy stuff on my mind. The fact that the Beazley family is leaving is a not-so-pleasant thought at least a few times a day. I'm going to Bosnia, Serbia, Croatia, and Slovenia this week, and I've done a bit too much reading about genocide for my brain this week. Reapplying for the SLA job and eventual grad school looms large on the horizon. Trump is looking like he could become the next president (I threw up in my mouth a bit as I wrote that). I'm still as happy as ever, but the weight of some of these things on my mind has caused me to pause and take time to lighten the mood a bit and remember how great life is. So, that's what I'm doing.
Every week I write a satirical newsletter for our campus's soccer league. It's usually ridiculous and very stream-of-consciousness writing, leading one of my bosses to say at one point, "It's a glimpse into whatever is going on inside your head sometimes." Admittedly, I have some scatter-brained thoughts. I've titled them shower thoughts because I suppose that's the genre of thinking it is, but these are the random thoughts that occurred to me throughout the day today that I wrote down for the sake of this post. Some are horribly bizarre. All are without explanation.
1. Why are Christmas songs so creepy? Santa Claus Is Coming To Town sounds like it's an anthem in 1984.
2. Ciao means hello and goodbye. That's just lazy.
3. If you wear high enough shoes, you can always wear mismatched socks.
4. Do you think other species are aware that what they eat affects how they poop?
5. What if I didn't wake up today? Death by ribs would be a weird way to go.
6. The only two Bible stories I ever think about are the good Samaritan and the woman at the well. The far right has casually forgotten these.
7. What does English sound like to Italian dogs?
8. If an alien landed on earth, what would be the most bizarre thing they found? Raisins or ripped jeans get my votes.
9. Babies are basically tiny stoned adults.
10. If I practiced enough, could I be the best mime there ever was?
11. The first time someone wore shoes they probably weren't comfortable, so why do we wear shoes today? What idiot invented wooden shoes? Did the shoe or the sock come first?
12. Do you think the first rat-tail haircut came from someone with a really weird balding pattern?
That's the average things in my brain for the course of a day. When I'm trying to get my mind off of whatever is shitty in the world, this is what my brain wanders to. Have a great week, everyone!
Every week I write a satirical newsletter for our campus's soccer league. It's usually ridiculous and very stream-of-consciousness writing, leading one of my bosses to say at one point, "It's a glimpse into whatever is going on inside your head sometimes." Admittedly, I have some scatter-brained thoughts. I've titled them shower thoughts because I suppose that's the genre of thinking it is, but these are the random thoughts that occurred to me throughout the day today that I wrote down for the sake of this post. Some are horribly bizarre. All are without explanation.
1. Why are Christmas songs so creepy? Santa Claus Is Coming To Town sounds like it's an anthem in 1984.
2. Ciao means hello and goodbye. That's just lazy.
3. If you wear high enough shoes, you can always wear mismatched socks.
4. Do you think other species are aware that what they eat affects how they poop?
5. What if I didn't wake up today? Death by ribs would be a weird way to go.
6. The only two Bible stories I ever think about are the good Samaritan and the woman at the well. The far right has casually forgotten these.
7. What does English sound like to Italian dogs?
8. If an alien landed on earth, what would be the most bizarre thing they found? Raisins or ripped jeans get my votes.
9. Babies are basically tiny stoned adults.
10. If I practiced enough, could I be the best mime there ever was?
11. The first time someone wore shoes they probably weren't comfortable, so why do we wear shoes today? What idiot invented wooden shoes? Did the shoe or the sock come first?
12. Do you think the first rat-tail haircut came from someone with a really weird balding pattern?
That's the average things in my brain for the course of a day. When I'm trying to get my mind off of whatever is shitty in the world, this is what my brain wanders to. Have a great week, everyone!
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