I'm back in Rome! Had my first espresso down at the corner bar, settled back into my temporary room on campus, and went to the grocery store for some prosciutto, salame piccante, and fior di sardo formaggio. I would say settling back into Italian life came quicker than trying to acclimate back to American life.
For the first time, being away from the States and coming home felt really weird. From the second I stepped off the plane and was spoken to in English to the drinks in the bar in the airport at the end, American culture wasn't something I was used to. It was an odd feeling. It wasn't bad; it was just weird. I thoroughly enjoyed all the people I got to see. I enjoyed every moment with my family. It just had a weird air. I went into a gas station on the way home from Chicago, and there were 15 types of barbecue chips. How am I supposed to decide between 15 different types?
I got over that, and like I said, it was a lovely trip home. I had a lot of time to think and relax, and the word "home" was something that was on my mind a lot. At one point, I referred to Rome as home to my mother, and she wasn't too happy about it. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that St. Louis isn't my one home anymore. I grew up in St. Louis, and it is home in a lot of ways, but it's not the only one.
Rome is in fact home. Right now, it's where I live, and it's where I feel most comfortable. I'm in my element. I'm loving life. I'm incredibly happy. However, Chicago is still home. I felt a lot of happiness in going back there. St. Louis also felt like home. When I think about Korea, there feels like home, too. In fact, when I think about home, I don't really think about the place. The people who make those places places that I enjoy and keep going back to are the reason they feel like home.
Being in the States and seeing my family, Luke Landolt, Mikey Dienstbach, Katie Bell and Mitch Catalano, Laura Welp and her family (and special surprise Julie Strand!), Kelly Cahalin, Liz Sinclair (soon to be Pompliano! Congratulations!), high school friends, and the Beazleys, among many others, that all made it feel like home. I missed it. I found however, that after a week or so, I started to miss those I love here in Rome. I started to miss my job (which has actually never happened before). Coming back and seeing Michael Cronin, Fran Homan, and soon my other SLA pals will be pretty great. Hell, seeing the guy at the corner bar for a coffee felt good.
And thus, even after having heard it in the past, I finally felt it. Home isn't places; it's the love you find in those places. I'm a happy, fortunate man to have so many wonderful people in my life. I think often about my friends from Korea. I think often about the States. At this moment in time though, I'm so happy to be in this home here in Rome. It's with that realization that I find myself excited to take on a new year. I think it's fitting that my New Year's Eve celebration will be spent here with friends.
So much has happened in the last year. I've been on four continents (Asia, Europe, North America, Australia), two for extended living. I've made countless friends. I got my dream job and am loving it. I got into a motorcycle accident and broke my foot. I learned from it. I find myself as content as I've ever been.
And thus, I look forward to the new year. I'll be applying for another year here in Rome (fingers crossed for me!). I'll be starting to think about graduate school for after Rome. My sister will be getting married in July, and I'll be going home for it. My Italian language skills will undoubtedly improve. I'll make new friends. I'll see new places. I'll constantly be reminded of how lucky I am.
I come into the new year with new goals. I find that I'm more likely to hold onto new years resolutions if I write them down and publicize them to the world, so here they are:
1. Visit all 7 continents before I'm 27. Begin saving up.
2. Commit to a diet (because I haven't been able to stick to one), and lose 40 pounds.
3. Take 3 months off from alcohol entirely.
4. Find little ways to make changes.
5. Continue to choose to be happy.
6. Make new friends and learn about new places.
7. Keep up with learning Italian.
8. Keep in touch with those I love worldwide.
9. Get accepted into a grad school with a grad assistantship.
10. Improve. Improve in every way that I can. Be a better friend, son, coworker, and human.
I can't wait to see what 2016 has in store. I can't wait to make new homes.
Buon Natale, e Buon Capo D'Anno. Ciao, friends.
Monday, December 28, 2015
Friday, November 27, 2015
Choice
One of the priests here on campus, Father Ted Bohr, showed me a New York Times article earlier this week about gratitude. One of the main points it focused on was that we must choose to be grateful. Even if we don't necessarily feel gratitude in any given moment, choosing to be grateful and thinking about all we have can make us grateful people in general.
My wheels have been turning all week thinking about this article. Of course, it's Thanksgiving, so we all choose to be grateful. Then, I started thinking about all the other choices in life. If we choose to think about what makes us happy, will we become happier people in general? If we think about what we like about our jobs instead of what we don't like, will we be happier in our positions?
I think the answer is absolutely yes. I think most of our lives boil down to choices. I've made a lot of good choices and a lot of bad ones, and the more I dissect it, where I am now is a product of all of those choices. A lot of choice is how we choose to react in the face of unforeseen circumstances. Yes, we can choose a lot in our lives, even things we didn't think we could choose for ourselves, but some things just happen. People die; friendships fall apart even though we don't want them to; natural disasters occur; we get flat tires. Things happen. However, I think there's an element of choice to everything that happens in life.
I think back to late high school, when I really felt like life was crashing down on me. My friend Chris passed away. My friend Jay's dad passed away. My friend Greg's mom passed away. I wanted to go to Boston College and couldn't afford it. I was a miserable wreck. Coming out of that rut really came down to me choosing to come out of it, and I had to do that when the time was right for me.
I think about conflicts I've had. You can choose to address problems, or you can choose to ignore them. You can choose to let things go, or you can choose to dwell on them. The tiniest choices can affect so much. I thought through this the other day pretty methodically, and had probably thought about it 100 times before, but not like this: I chose to buy a motorcycle; I chose to fix the starter when the weather started to get nice; I chose to go out to the beach for 45 minutes even though I worked in an hour and a half; I chose to take the longer coastal road to the beach; I chose to try to pass a swerving tractor and the guy ended up being drunk. A lot of choices led to me breaking my foot, and any one of those choices not made would've made my life very different.
That's kind of an extreme example, but how many of those occurrences in life happen the same way? Pretty much every single occurrence actually. I chose to go to Loyola, and I chose to study abroad, and I chose to apply for this job, and I chose to come into the office today to write this blog post, and here it is. Funny how that works, eh?
I think the overall thing I've taken from rambling thoughts like those above is this: we have so much more control over our lives than we think. It's easy to feel helpless, like your the product of your environment and that absolutely nothing can change your situation. I'm not doubting that, in many ways, there's a lot out of our control. That said, once I started to think about what I can control, I had a much better week this week. It's about learning yourself and then making choices that lead you down the path you want to go down. Every minute of every day we're making choices that affect our outcomes.
The more I've thought about each choice I'm making, the more I've been able to ensure I'm making good ones. That's not to say bad ones don't happen and aren't happening every day for me, but consequences are so much clearer when you sit there and say, "This is a choice. Things can go one way or another way based on this choice. What will I do?"
Think what the world could be like if we all made more choices instead of feeling helpless. Tons of refugees fleeing war and horrors unimaginable? I choose to help in any way that I can. Sexual assaults on campuses more rampant than ever? I choose to not be silent. My friend has a problem and is very distraught? I choose to listen and console. There is so much we can do if we just make choices other than choosing to be lazy and apathetic. Some things really don't even take much energy, and the more I think about how lazy I'm capable of becoming but how much I'm capable of doing to help, the more I wish I thought more about my choices.
Anyway, I'm confusing myself with how many times I've used the words "choose" and "choice." I think the goal for me is to just be more mindful and to realize how much I truly do have control over. I hope you all had a very lovely Thanksgiving, and know that I missed all friends and family over the holiday. Ciao for now.
My wheels have been turning all week thinking about this article. Of course, it's Thanksgiving, so we all choose to be grateful. Then, I started thinking about all the other choices in life. If we choose to think about what makes us happy, will we become happier people in general? If we think about what we like about our jobs instead of what we don't like, will we be happier in our positions?
I think the answer is absolutely yes. I think most of our lives boil down to choices. I've made a lot of good choices and a lot of bad ones, and the more I dissect it, where I am now is a product of all of those choices. A lot of choice is how we choose to react in the face of unforeseen circumstances. Yes, we can choose a lot in our lives, even things we didn't think we could choose for ourselves, but some things just happen. People die; friendships fall apart even though we don't want them to; natural disasters occur; we get flat tires. Things happen. However, I think there's an element of choice to everything that happens in life.
I think back to late high school, when I really felt like life was crashing down on me. My friend Chris passed away. My friend Jay's dad passed away. My friend Greg's mom passed away. I wanted to go to Boston College and couldn't afford it. I was a miserable wreck. Coming out of that rut really came down to me choosing to come out of it, and I had to do that when the time was right for me.
I think about conflicts I've had. You can choose to address problems, or you can choose to ignore them. You can choose to let things go, or you can choose to dwell on them. The tiniest choices can affect so much. I thought through this the other day pretty methodically, and had probably thought about it 100 times before, but not like this: I chose to buy a motorcycle; I chose to fix the starter when the weather started to get nice; I chose to go out to the beach for 45 minutes even though I worked in an hour and a half; I chose to take the longer coastal road to the beach; I chose to try to pass a swerving tractor and the guy ended up being drunk. A lot of choices led to me breaking my foot, and any one of those choices not made would've made my life very different.
That's kind of an extreme example, but how many of those occurrences in life happen the same way? Pretty much every single occurrence actually. I chose to go to Loyola, and I chose to study abroad, and I chose to apply for this job, and I chose to come into the office today to write this blog post, and here it is. Funny how that works, eh?
I think the overall thing I've taken from rambling thoughts like those above is this: we have so much more control over our lives than we think. It's easy to feel helpless, like your the product of your environment and that absolutely nothing can change your situation. I'm not doubting that, in many ways, there's a lot out of our control. That said, once I started to think about what I can control, I had a much better week this week. It's about learning yourself and then making choices that lead you down the path you want to go down. Every minute of every day we're making choices that affect our outcomes.
The more I've thought about each choice I'm making, the more I've been able to ensure I'm making good ones. That's not to say bad ones don't happen and aren't happening every day for me, but consequences are so much clearer when you sit there and say, "This is a choice. Things can go one way or another way based on this choice. What will I do?"
Think what the world could be like if we all made more choices instead of feeling helpless. Tons of refugees fleeing war and horrors unimaginable? I choose to help in any way that I can. Sexual assaults on campuses more rampant than ever? I choose to not be silent. My friend has a problem and is very distraught? I choose to listen and console. There is so much we can do if we just make choices other than choosing to be lazy and apathetic. Some things really don't even take much energy, and the more I think about how lazy I'm capable of becoming but how much I'm capable of doing to help, the more I wish I thought more about my choices.
Anyway, I'm confusing myself with how many times I've used the words "choose" and "choice." I think the goal for me is to just be more mindful and to realize how much I truly do have control over. I hope you all had a very lovely Thanksgiving, and know that I missed all friends and family over the holiday. Ciao for now.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Role Models
Alas, campus is near silent as the students have all left for their weekend trips. It makes me feel like such an old man to value the sweet, sweet silence that the weekend brings. Part of me misses being a student and traveling every weekend, but the other part of me realizes how much I've changed in the four years since I was a student here in Rome. I look at my students and see shades of myself. I remember those days fondly, but I certainly wasn't the most mature guy back then. It's been an interesting form of reflection to see the decisions my students make, the way they interact with one another, and the way they treat me, and then to realize the similarities to back then and the transformation that has occurred since.
Part of the change comes from the four years I've had of learning from truly incredible people. Here in Rome, I met people like the Beazleys and Sander Evers. In knowing those folks alone I've grown immensely, and they've changed the course of my life. I've gotten to spend time with people like Brad Zandstra, who has taught me more about resilience, strength, and kindness than anyone I know. I have a much better understanding of what love means and what I'm looking for in a woman because of friends like Alex and Anna Boesch, whose wedding I was fortunate enough to participate in; it's impossible to see them and not want the kind of love and commitment they have. I know what kind of a man I want to be because of the utter selflessness, empathy, and drive of guys like Mikey Dienstbach, Nic Herrmann, Alex Boesch, and Brian Befaro. I've realized what it means to be a loving and committed friend because of people like Kelly Cahalin, who's been by my side for almost half of my life, and who would do anything for me (and I for her!). My group of friends from Chicago has taught me what it means to miss people, and I definitely am missing you all. I got to see what hard work and integrity looks like in Lucas and Nicole Dines.
I've been so fortunate in the last 4 years. I've traveled all over the world. I've done things most people will never get to do. It hit me the other day in my interactions with students that I am who I am and I do what I do because of the people I've met and surrounded myself with. I want to be that role model for students either professionally or personally. I want them to see me being a man of integrity and then want to do so themselves. I want them to see me working hard so they want to do so themselves. In a way, it's a lot of pressure. I soaked up so much between now and when I was a student from people who had done it all before and helped me along the path. I'd like to pay it forward, and also I don't want to let people down who have helped get me so far.
There's something to be said for independence. You shouldn't need to go to your mom's every time you need your laundry done. Being independent is great, and I think I'm good at it, but in realizing my dependencies and my fortune in the people who have been an example to me, I've realized a new meaning for independence. I don't quite know what the meaning is, but it doesn't involve me being able to do everything on my own.
So, up until this point, I suppose this can be considered a long, rambling thank you note. I haven't taken the appropriate amount of time to thank everyone in my life. I'm not Ryan Bedell without you all. I hope someday the people I interact with can say that I changed them for the better, whether it's students or peers. I hope that through what I've taken from others, people can look to me as an example of something, whatever it may be. It's a tough question to pose to yourself: what do you have to offer to others? It's easy to get caught up in overthinking the answer, too. I've never met someone who didn't have something to offer. Whether it be a harsh criticism that makes me realize that not everyone will always like me, or an act of generosity that makes me have faith in the world, everyone shapes my experience, and I've been lucky to do a whole lot of learning these last four years.
So that's what I leave with, wondering what I can offer and what kind of role model I can be, wondering if I can live up to expectations and the amount of goodness that has been given to me. I have faith in myself, which definitely isn't something I could've said four years ago. Goal for the future: continue to embrace growth and foster it in others.
From Rome with love and gratitude,
Ryan
Part of the change comes from the four years I've had of learning from truly incredible people. Here in Rome, I met people like the Beazleys and Sander Evers. In knowing those folks alone I've grown immensely, and they've changed the course of my life. I've gotten to spend time with people like Brad Zandstra, who has taught me more about resilience, strength, and kindness than anyone I know. I have a much better understanding of what love means and what I'm looking for in a woman because of friends like Alex and Anna Boesch, whose wedding I was fortunate enough to participate in; it's impossible to see them and not want the kind of love and commitment they have. I know what kind of a man I want to be because of the utter selflessness, empathy, and drive of guys like Mikey Dienstbach, Nic Herrmann, Alex Boesch, and Brian Befaro. I've realized what it means to be a loving and committed friend because of people like Kelly Cahalin, who's been by my side for almost half of my life, and who would do anything for me (and I for her!). My group of friends from Chicago has taught me what it means to miss people, and I definitely am missing you all. I got to see what hard work and integrity looks like in Lucas and Nicole Dines.
I've been so fortunate in the last 4 years. I've traveled all over the world. I've done things most people will never get to do. It hit me the other day in my interactions with students that I am who I am and I do what I do because of the people I've met and surrounded myself with. I want to be that role model for students either professionally or personally. I want them to see me being a man of integrity and then want to do so themselves. I want them to see me working hard so they want to do so themselves. In a way, it's a lot of pressure. I soaked up so much between now and when I was a student from people who had done it all before and helped me along the path. I'd like to pay it forward, and also I don't want to let people down who have helped get me so far.
There's something to be said for independence. You shouldn't need to go to your mom's every time you need your laundry done. Being independent is great, and I think I'm good at it, but in realizing my dependencies and my fortune in the people who have been an example to me, I've realized a new meaning for independence. I don't quite know what the meaning is, but it doesn't involve me being able to do everything on my own.
So, up until this point, I suppose this can be considered a long, rambling thank you note. I haven't taken the appropriate amount of time to thank everyone in my life. I'm not Ryan Bedell without you all. I hope someday the people I interact with can say that I changed them for the better, whether it's students or peers. I hope that through what I've taken from others, people can look to me as an example of something, whatever it may be. It's a tough question to pose to yourself: what do you have to offer to others? It's easy to get caught up in overthinking the answer, too. I've never met someone who didn't have something to offer. Whether it be a harsh criticism that makes me realize that not everyone will always like me, or an act of generosity that makes me have faith in the world, everyone shapes my experience, and I've been lucky to do a whole lot of learning these last four years.
So that's what I leave with, wondering what I can offer and what kind of role model I can be, wondering if I can live up to expectations and the amount of goodness that has been given to me. I have faith in myself, which definitely isn't something I could've said four years ago. Goal for the future: continue to embrace growth and foster it in others.
From Rome with love and gratitude,
Ryan
Friday, October 2, 2015
Positivity
Being back at where I studied abroad has afforded me somewhat of a unique opportunity for reflection. When I look at Rome and some of the situations I encounter here, it's hard not to think about the person I was four years ago and the person I am now. I often find myself feeling like my students are very young, but in the grand scheme of things, four years isn't so much of an age difference. I've been trying to figure out what exactly has changed in such a short time, and while my immediate response is, "Well, everything has changed," I think I'm able to boil it all down to one word: positivity.
When I was a student here at twenty, I think I was probably pretty difficult to be around. Not that I'm not sometimes now, but I think I was a lot more self-centered and a lot quicker to judge back then. Everything was negative to me. I can think of several specific instances as a student where I would get upset about things just for the sake of doing it. It seemed like the world was crashing down at the tiniest little problem, and I just wasn't ready to handle it. Now, I see similar attributes in some of my students. They're lost, and everything is amplified here. Everything is negative, and drama from home is creeping through the Internet to ruin their day.
Truthfully, I didn't much like myself then. I definitely hurt some people, and I can look back now and think of how foolish I was. I was seeking out the fault in people instead of trying to find the good. I was looking at adverse situations and instead of trying to repair them, I was selling $50 tickets to the pity party, and there weren't many takers. I don't know if it was some sort of defense mechanism, trying not to get hurt by keeping distance from people or something, but I remember very vividly writing people off over the most trivial things. It must've taken a lot of walking on top of a lot of good people to get me all the way up to my high horse.
I'm not saying I'm perfect now, but I'm a whole lot happier, and being back here in Rome sure has made me realize just how much I've changed. I try to find the best in everyone. I try to be as positive as I can, and I have so many great role models of positivity around me and all over the globe. Conversely, my tolerance for drama and negativity is at an all time low. It's just not something I want to be a part of my life. To be honest, Korea had its fair share of really negative situations, and I've done a good job of holding on to the positive growth I encountered there and carrying it here with me. I'm more adept at handling conflict, and I've done a lot of conflict handling in the first few months here while still maintaining my sanity and my positivity. It takes effort to try to remain positive sometimes, but it's the course I want to take, and realizing how fortunate I am to be here doing what I'm doing is often the first step.
I don't know if I'll ever be the type of person who always has a smile on their face. I look up to those people because they're a good reminder for me. There's rarely a good reason to let your day be ruined. I need to work still on ridding myself of complaining. It's so hard sometimes (see what I did there?). I'm not saying it's good to keep real things bottled up, especially not for me, but in the grand scheme of things, most of what I have to complain about is only a complaint because of a lack of positive outlook. For instance, today I realized I have to individually check-in and print 56 tickets for my upcoming study trip to Greece. My instinct was to say, "Really? That sucks so much." As the day went on, I saw a coworker's post about suffering refugees and another friend's post about another mass shooting, and I thought, "Well, I was an asshole earlier. I'm going to Greece for work, and I still found a way to complain." I think it's constant reminders to be positive and put things in perspective that have made me into more of the person I want to be.
This was one of those posts that I think I mostly needed to put into writing for myself. However, serious thanks to anyone who has supported me throughout my life into getting to this exact moment, sitting in a hotel in Rome, typing a blog post, thinking about how lucky I am.
A slightly late thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes. It was spent in Munich at Oktoberfest, and it was a blast. Thanks for reading as always, friends.
When I was a student here at twenty, I think I was probably pretty difficult to be around. Not that I'm not sometimes now, but I think I was a lot more self-centered and a lot quicker to judge back then. Everything was negative to me. I can think of several specific instances as a student where I would get upset about things just for the sake of doing it. It seemed like the world was crashing down at the tiniest little problem, and I just wasn't ready to handle it. Now, I see similar attributes in some of my students. They're lost, and everything is amplified here. Everything is negative, and drama from home is creeping through the Internet to ruin their day.
Truthfully, I didn't much like myself then. I definitely hurt some people, and I can look back now and think of how foolish I was. I was seeking out the fault in people instead of trying to find the good. I was looking at adverse situations and instead of trying to repair them, I was selling $50 tickets to the pity party, and there weren't many takers. I don't know if it was some sort of defense mechanism, trying not to get hurt by keeping distance from people or something, but I remember very vividly writing people off over the most trivial things. It must've taken a lot of walking on top of a lot of good people to get me all the way up to my high horse.
I'm not saying I'm perfect now, but I'm a whole lot happier, and being back here in Rome sure has made me realize just how much I've changed. I try to find the best in everyone. I try to be as positive as I can, and I have so many great role models of positivity around me and all over the globe. Conversely, my tolerance for drama and negativity is at an all time low. It's just not something I want to be a part of my life. To be honest, Korea had its fair share of really negative situations, and I've done a good job of holding on to the positive growth I encountered there and carrying it here with me. I'm more adept at handling conflict, and I've done a lot of conflict handling in the first few months here while still maintaining my sanity and my positivity. It takes effort to try to remain positive sometimes, but it's the course I want to take, and realizing how fortunate I am to be here doing what I'm doing is often the first step.
I don't know if I'll ever be the type of person who always has a smile on their face. I look up to those people because they're a good reminder for me. There's rarely a good reason to let your day be ruined. I need to work still on ridding myself of complaining. It's so hard sometimes (see what I did there?). I'm not saying it's good to keep real things bottled up, especially not for me, but in the grand scheme of things, most of what I have to complain about is only a complaint because of a lack of positive outlook. For instance, today I realized I have to individually check-in and print 56 tickets for my upcoming study trip to Greece. My instinct was to say, "Really? That sucks so much." As the day went on, I saw a coworker's post about suffering refugees and another friend's post about another mass shooting, and I thought, "Well, I was an asshole earlier. I'm going to Greece for work, and I still found a way to complain." I think it's constant reminders to be positive and put things in perspective that have made me into more of the person I want to be.
This was one of those posts that I think I mostly needed to put into writing for myself. However, serious thanks to anyone who has supported me throughout my life into getting to this exact moment, sitting in a hotel in Rome, typing a blog post, thinking about how lucky I am.
A slightly late thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes. It was spent in Munich at Oktoberfest, and it was a blast. Thanks for reading as always, friends.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Becoming Home
The insanity of orientation is over. There were moments when I thought I would never be able to say that. It was a solid 2 to 3 weeks of 12-14 hour days, and I was pooped. I can finally relax and unwind.
HA. What a ruse. Relaxing and unwinding doesn't seem like it will be happening here unless I am traveling, which thankfully is coming up this week. Thursday, Pedro, Mike, and I are leaving to meet our friends Conor and Claire at Oktoberfest in Munich, and I can't wait. I desperately need the time off, and I think it is coming at the perfect time.
I'm really settling in here in Rome. My Italian is coming back slowly (okay, anyone here in Italy with me would correct me to say "very slowly"). I'm doing some exploring and figuring out a routine, and I'm getting the hang of the job. I planned a wine tasting at Eataly for 52 people on Tuesday of next week. I finalized all of the plans for the Greece study trip. Calcio has started, and I'm leading the team to victory (along with my student who is Spanish and used to play at an American college and scored 5 goals last week). I'm getting to know some folks at local businesses, and I'm getting to know the hotel staff very well.
I work more than I've ever worked in my life. I work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, and I also have duty 5 nights per week. Unfortunately, these don't match up, so I'm working every day just at different times. I have Monday and Tuesday nights off, and Saturday and Sunday days off. I am already going a bit stir crazy, but in a way, I was prepared for this with Korea, I think. It's difficult to live where you work, and it's easy to feel trapped. I felt it last year, and I've felt it at moments this year. Today, I went exploring in an area that my boss suggested called Ponte Milvio. I brought two students along, and we walked around a bit and went for tiramisu and french fries. It was a good relaxing day. Then, when I got back, I had a beer, smoked a cigar, played guitar, and talked with my friend Elly on the terrace. It was a solid evening backed by a solid day.
I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to call this place home for the next year and potentially longer. I need to keep going out and exploring. I need to find a way to barbecue if it's the last thing I do. The school has a fire inspection coming up, and afterwards, it's time for me to get a smoker. I need to keep doing things that stir me up. I love this city, and I need to keep making it about more than work, even if the main reason that I'm here is work.
I haven't really had time to be homesick, and as bad as it sounds, I just started really missing people in the last few days. My mind has just been so occupied with other things that I didn't have time for emotions. I'm sorry if I've been distant to those I usually keep in touch with, but it hasn't been very easy to do anything about up until now!
One of the tough things that comes with being so far away is missing things that matter to you. My good buddy Brett Stockmann is getting married in February, and he asked me to be a groomsman. I checked my work schedule, and it's just not possible to get home. It sucks to miss something so important. While I know he understands, I can't help but think that it's a letdown, and that many more of these situations will arise if this is the life I continue to want to lead.
I like the job. I like the students. I like where I'm living. I like my coworkers. I just need to keep those things in mind when the stress starts to mount. I need to separate the JFRC from Rome and go out and get to know it. I leave for a stress-free trip to Germany on Thursday, and I hope I come back rejuvenated and ready to roll.
Besides all of that, not too terribly much to report. Life's good. The food and wine are a bit too good. Cheers to hoping I'm not 20 pounds heavier next time you see me. Thanks for reading.
HA. What a ruse. Relaxing and unwinding doesn't seem like it will be happening here unless I am traveling, which thankfully is coming up this week. Thursday, Pedro, Mike, and I are leaving to meet our friends Conor and Claire at Oktoberfest in Munich, and I can't wait. I desperately need the time off, and I think it is coming at the perfect time.
I'm really settling in here in Rome. My Italian is coming back slowly (okay, anyone here in Italy with me would correct me to say "very slowly"). I'm doing some exploring and figuring out a routine, and I'm getting the hang of the job. I planned a wine tasting at Eataly for 52 people on Tuesday of next week. I finalized all of the plans for the Greece study trip. Calcio has started, and I'm leading the team to victory (along with my student who is Spanish and used to play at an American college and scored 5 goals last week). I'm getting to know some folks at local businesses, and I'm getting to know the hotel staff very well.
I work more than I've ever worked in my life. I work 9 to 5 Monday to Friday, and I also have duty 5 nights per week. Unfortunately, these don't match up, so I'm working every day just at different times. I have Monday and Tuesday nights off, and Saturday and Sunday days off. I am already going a bit stir crazy, but in a way, I was prepared for this with Korea, I think. It's difficult to live where you work, and it's easy to feel trapped. I felt it last year, and I've felt it at moments this year. Today, I went exploring in an area that my boss suggested called Ponte Milvio. I brought two students along, and we walked around a bit and went for tiramisu and french fries. It was a good relaxing day. Then, when I got back, I had a beer, smoked a cigar, played guitar, and talked with my friend Elly on the terrace. It was a solid evening backed by a solid day.
I need to keep reminding myself how lucky I am to call this place home for the next year and potentially longer. I need to keep going out and exploring. I need to find a way to barbecue if it's the last thing I do. The school has a fire inspection coming up, and afterwards, it's time for me to get a smoker. I need to keep doing things that stir me up. I love this city, and I need to keep making it about more than work, even if the main reason that I'm here is work.
I haven't really had time to be homesick, and as bad as it sounds, I just started really missing people in the last few days. My mind has just been so occupied with other things that I didn't have time for emotions. I'm sorry if I've been distant to those I usually keep in touch with, but it hasn't been very easy to do anything about up until now!
One of the tough things that comes with being so far away is missing things that matter to you. My good buddy Brett Stockmann is getting married in February, and he asked me to be a groomsman. I checked my work schedule, and it's just not possible to get home. It sucks to miss something so important. While I know he understands, I can't help but think that it's a letdown, and that many more of these situations will arise if this is the life I continue to want to lead.
I like the job. I like the students. I like where I'm living. I like my coworkers. I just need to keep those things in mind when the stress starts to mount. I need to separate the JFRC from Rome and go out and get to know it. I leave for a stress-free trip to Germany on Thursday, and I hope I come back rejuvenated and ready to roll.
Besides all of that, not too terribly much to report. Life's good. The food and wine are a bit too good. Cheers to hoping I'm not 20 pounds heavier next time you see me. Thanks for reading.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Ho Dimenticato La Mia Carta Nella Mia Camera
I haven't written all summer! For that, I am terribly sorry. I enjoyed the last bit of New Zealand and flew home from my year in Korea, leaving with Mikey for a road trip around the western states the day after I arrived back in the USA. Mikey and I started in Chicago, went to a bunch of national parks, to see Katie Bell, to the Grand Canyon, and to a whole bunch of other places. I would cover that all more in depth, but after 2 weeks home and my sister's engagement party and training in Chicago and moving to Rome, I kind of missed the boat on that I think.
Being in Rome, as far as the city itself, feels like I never left. We went to the Spanish Steps as a staff before the students arrived, and I was amazed at how familiar it felt. The same dudes trying to sell you things. The same idiots getting yelled at by cops for reaching into the fountain. The same smells and sights and sounds. It all came back so quickly. My Italian is coming back a bit more slowly, but hopefully I'll continue to improve as the year goes on.
The first 27 students, our freshmen, arrived about a week and a half ago. The rest came a few days ago. My schedule has been non-stop since I got here! It's been waking up at 7am, staying up til midnight or later, working the whole time. I'm somehow not going insane yet. I love the work, and I love the people I'm with, and once orientation finishes, I'm going to take a much needed personal day into things settling down a bit.
I'm living in a hotel with 51 students, and so far it's going well. They're all still super disoriented and confused about the city and the school, which is understandable. I remember those days well. Right now, it's helping them with the simplest of tasks, and I can't wait for them to come into their element here. I haven't had a ton of time to explore since being back, but I'm looking forward to time off. I fear the hotel will never really feel like a home for me, but the perks of breakfast and room cleaning are very nice!
I've gotten myself sick over the last few days, and on top of the long work days, I'm officially tired. The title of this post refers to a story that my mom and grandmother will love, because it's very like something they themselves would do. It very much involves how tired I was. Last night, I forgot my room key for the hotel on campus (it's a simple swipe card, so it's easy to replace). I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, no problem.
Then, I had to hang some decorations on the students' doors. I did so, and when I wanted to go to my room after, I realized I had left my card inside of my room. I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, we laughed, and I went to my room.
Then, I had to talk to one of my students who hadn't filled out his waivers. Again, I forgot my card in my room. Same lady, and by this point, she thinks I'm drunk or losing it. I decided I've probably had enough feeling stupid for one day, and I'm feeling sickly, so I decide to go to bed. I shower, brush my teeth, and get into bed. I fall asleep for thirty minutes.
A student knocks on my door. 12:30am. "Ryan, my card doesn't work. What do I do?" I tell her to ask the front desk, and I'm sleepy and disoriented. "I don't know how to say it in Italian, though!" I put on some shoes and walk her down to the desk. "Her card isn't working," I say in Italian. A quick fix, and we're on our way back up to the rooms. I get to my door, check my pockets, and sure enough, I left my own room key inside. It was the most miserably embarrassing walk of shame down to my room to ask for another one. "Ho dimenticato la mia carta nella mia camera... ancora..." I forgot my card in my room... again... The desk receptionist and I had a hearty laugh, and I told her that I am sick, tired, and going completely insane. She definitely believes the last of those to be true.
My complete airheadedness aside, life is great. This job is truly my dream job. I feel like I'm already contributing to the students' experience. I feel like the team we have as a staff is going to work really well. I feel content. I feel like I've accomplished something in being here. I feel the wiggle room for me to grow. So far, I have no complaints, not even the long days or the sickness.
It feels very different than when I was a student here. It's a lot of familiar faces, but a lot of different ones, too. Campus is physically different. I'm working, not studying. It's amazing how much I've personally changed since I was here in college. I feel old, even though I know I'm still just a young man with a lot more to see and do.
Having Pedro here, my friend and now colleague who I went to college with, is so different, but so great. I never got to experience this place with someone so close to me, and it makes me feel really at home having him here. He also really knows what the hell he's doing with this job, so he's been a great guide for me. My biggest fear is not living up to expectations with the job, and I'm doing everything I can to excel.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Biggest news so far for me is that I'm taking 50 students to Greece over Fall Break! It's going to be so great. I am really enjoying starting to work on planning it. It's going to be one hell of a year on all fronts. Thanks for reading, and ciao for now!
Being in Rome, as far as the city itself, feels like I never left. We went to the Spanish Steps as a staff before the students arrived, and I was amazed at how familiar it felt. The same dudes trying to sell you things. The same idiots getting yelled at by cops for reaching into the fountain. The same smells and sights and sounds. It all came back so quickly. My Italian is coming back a bit more slowly, but hopefully I'll continue to improve as the year goes on.
The first 27 students, our freshmen, arrived about a week and a half ago. The rest came a few days ago. My schedule has been non-stop since I got here! It's been waking up at 7am, staying up til midnight or later, working the whole time. I'm somehow not going insane yet. I love the work, and I love the people I'm with, and once orientation finishes, I'm going to take a much needed personal day into things settling down a bit.
I'm living in a hotel with 51 students, and so far it's going well. They're all still super disoriented and confused about the city and the school, which is understandable. I remember those days well. Right now, it's helping them with the simplest of tasks, and I can't wait for them to come into their element here. I haven't had a ton of time to explore since being back, but I'm looking forward to time off. I fear the hotel will never really feel like a home for me, but the perks of breakfast and room cleaning are very nice!
I've gotten myself sick over the last few days, and on top of the long work days, I'm officially tired. The title of this post refers to a story that my mom and grandmother will love, because it's very like something they themselves would do. It very much involves how tired I was. Last night, I forgot my room key for the hotel on campus (it's a simple swipe card, so it's easy to replace). I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, no problem.
Then, I had to hang some decorations on the students' doors. I did so, and when I wanted to go to my room after, I realized I had left my card inside of my room. I asked the desk receptionist for a new one, we laughed, and I went to my room.
Then, I had to talk to one of my students who hadn't filled out his waivers. Again, I forgot my card in my room. Same lady, and by this point, she thinks I'm drunk or losing it. I decided I've probably had enough feeling stupid for one day, and I'm feeling sickly, so I decide to go to bed. I shower, brush my teeth, and get into bed. I fall asleep for thirty minutes.
A student knocks on my door. 12:30am. "Ryan, my card doesn't work. What do I do?" I tell her to ask the front desk, and I'm sleepy and disoriented. "I don't know how to say it in Italian, though!" I put on some shoes and walk her down to the desk. "Her card isn't working," I say in Italian. A quick fix, and we're on our way back up to the rooms. I get to my door, check my pockets, and sure enough, I left my own room key inside. It was the most miserably embarrassing walk of shame down to my room to ask for another one. "Ho dimenticato la mia carta nella mia camera... ancora..." I forgot my card in my room... again... The desk receptionist and I had a hearty laugh, and I told her that I am sick, tired, and going completely insane. She definitely believes the last of those to be true.
My complete airheadedness aside, life is great. This job is truly my dream job. I feel like I'm already contributing to the students' experience. I feel like the team we have as a staff is going to work really well. I feel content. I feel like I've accomplished something in being here. I feel the wiggle room for me to grow. So far, I have no complaints, not even the long days or the sickness.
It feels very different than when I was a student here. It's a lot of familiar faces, but a lot of different ones, too. Campus is physically different. I'm working, not studying. It's amazing how much I've personally changed since I was here in college. I feel old, even though I know I'm still just a young man with a lot more to see and do.
Having Pedro here, my friend and now colleague who I went to college with, is so different, but so great. I never got to experience this place with someone so close to me, and it makes me feel really at home having him here. He also really knows what the hell he's doing with this job, so he's been a great guide for me. My biggest fear is not living up to expectations with the job, and I'm doing everything I can to excel.
Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Biggest news so far for me is that I'm taking 50 students to Greece over Fall Break! It's going to be so great. I am really enjoying starting to work on planning it. It's going to be one hell of a year on all fronts. Thanks for reading, and ciao for now!
Friday, June 26, 2015
Pause
Yo! Much of this will be for my own memory since I don't have a notebook with me, but I hope it's interesting for you all. I'm writing from New Zealand, and life is good! First, a small chronology of my post-Jeju travels thus far.
June 13: fly Jeju to Seoul. Meet Jim Welp, Ben Welp, and Bill Richeson. Partying commences. Bill and I go out until 5am and meet up with Emily and Sam MacLean.
June 14: Hang out and do Korean stuff.
June 15: visit traditional Korean vestments parlor, eat good foods, drink good drinks. Wallow in Korea nostalgia.
June 16: miss my check-in time for flight to Sydney. Buy new flight to Sydney. Fly overnight to Sydney.
June 17: Wake up in Australia. Go to hostel. Receive message from Jack Sellman that he's staying at the hostel across the street from mine. Walk along harbor in Sydney. Take opera house tour. See Lore dance show at Opera House at night. Sit next to British guy named Connor who is by chance staying at the same hostel as me. Go out with him and other folks from the hostel.
June 18: meet Sam DeVice, her mom, and her mom's Australian friends for harbor lunch cruise. Go with Sam to aquarium. Drink beer and eat pizza. Go out.
June 19: Jack Sellman and I go for lunch and end up galavanting around town together. We go to the Skydeck of the Sydney tower and do the Skywalk on the outside of the tower. Terrifying. End up at bar attached to my hostel. Dance the night away.
June 20: hang more with Jack. Go shopping and have lunch. Take evening bus to Newcastle. Chill at hostel for the night.
June 21: walk out by Newcastle beach and watch dolphins for a few hours. Walk the whole coast, go back and shower, have dinner and go to a craft beer place, turn in early.
June 22: final day in Newcastle. Walk all the way down Hunter St. and see cool shops and such. Very bohemian. Quite enjoy it. Eat a nice dinner and turn in early.
June 23: catch early flight to Melbourne. Go to hostel, rent a bike, ride around South Melbourne and to the port. Come back, go to trivia night with people from hostel, turn in early.
June 24: bum around at Forgotten Soldier memorial and botanical garden. Meet Liam (a friend I met traveling in Prague last summer) for dinner and beers. Go to night market. Meet Erin, a friend who I met in Ireland last summer. Go out with her and her friends.
June 25: fly to Auckland. Arrive at 6pm, pick up car begin driving to Hobbiton. 45 minutes away from Auckland, GPS dies, moment of panic. Stop at gas station, cigarette lighter in car for power doesn't work. Follow signs back to Auckland airport car rental, sleep in parking lot.
June 26: get the car swapped out easily. Drive to Hobbiton. Beautiful green rolling hills and mountains for the drive. Hobbiton is sick. Drive to Rotorua and go zorbing. Check into a hostel because I'm tired as hell and don't want to drive any further. Check out the lake. Have a pork belly sandwich. Retire to hostel for relaxing.
It's been a hell of a trip so far! I've got 5 days left and then I'll be home for 24 hours before embarking on my road trip with Mikey. I'm going to be ready to settle down by the time I get to Rome! Some reoccurring thoughts I've had during the travels:
1. "Holy smokes, do I even comprehend how lucky I am?"
2. "I'm really freaking lucky."
3. "I miss Jeju and friends."
4. "I love these accents!"
5. "Driving on the left side of the road? It doesn't make sense."
That's about all I have to say for travels. It's been rad. I'm currently at my hostel in a room where 4 Germans are watching Crazy Stupid Love. So that's interesting. Going to wake up tomorrow and drive to Lake Taupo. No idea what I'm doing from there.
I titled this post "Pause" for a few reasons. First, I just wanted to remind myself to take the time to look at my life and at this year and this trip and reflect on it all. It's important to pause to do that. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about trying to slow myself down amidst all of the craziness right now. I need to stop and realize just how incredibly lucky I am to live the life I am living. It feels good to acknowledge that.
Another thing that has made me think of pausing is a current trend I've seen online that I really like, most boldly embodied in my good friend, mentor, and former teacher, Frank Corley. People, including Frank, are getting semicolon tattoos for suicide awareness. It symbolizes that something could've ended (a sentence, or a life in the metaphor), but it didn't. It was just a pause and then a moving forward.
In the metaphor, the focus is on the moving forward part, and that is really important. I see the pause as equally important. Whether it's a suicide attempt or just taking a moment to pause and realize your flaws, you have to have that moment in the first place to be able to move forward from it. It's not something you should necessarily be rid of entirely. I'll use my own experience as an example.
Anyone who knows me knows that this current pace I'm going at is my norm. I rarely slow down, and socially, I'm always going in a hundred different directions. Senior year of college in the fall, I started to act a lot less like myself. I had ten thousand reasons to be happy. I was dating a great girl who I remain good friends with; I had great friends; I was ready for graduation and doing well in school. Despite all that, I didn't feel like I could find reasons to be happy. I found this weird rut of self-loathing and self-doubt that was really uncharacteristic of the self that I knew. I scrutinized everything about myself from my weight, to my performance at work, to just about every word that came out of my mouth. It all hit a head when I started feeling like I wasn't fit to live or wanted around by anyone. I started thinking about whether the world would even realize I was gone.
I was lucky enough to realize at that point how out of character it was, and I went to see my doctor, who suggested I start taking antidepressants and vitamin D supplements. It's seemed to help, and I've continued taking them since. I feel like myself again, and it was my being able to pause and realize something was wrong. I'm thankful for the pause, even if it sucked at the time. It's me, and I like me.
This year, I've been finding myself taking pictures of things that are broken. There was a broken bridge at the DMZ, broken trees like crazy, a wilted flower here and there, a broken dock in Melbourne this week, and several other fine examples. I think the point I'm getting at is that there's beauty in broken things, and at some point, we're all going to encounter that pause, no matter what form it comes in, and we'll have to decide whether to make it a semicolon or a period. We're all a little broken, but I think everyone's a little beautiful, too. Pauses can be good. I've learned a lot about myself by admitting I needed a little bit of help. Nobody can do it alone, after all, and I think I'm a better person as a result of dealing with some personal struggle.
If you ever find that the world is getting to be a little too much, I urge you to make that pause a semicolon and not a period. Your problems aren't petty, and especially if they're uncharacteristic, it takes the help of others to get you back to base level. Reach out to me. I'll get to WiFi faster than you can spell "WiFi" and Skype you and help you make it through the day. Don't go giving up. Life's a beautiful thing, and as I sit here in New Zealand, one of the luckiest guys I know in one of the most beautiful places on earth, I'm very acutely aware of that.
Anyway, I got a little soap box-ish there, but I think it's important that people acknowledge that no one expects you to be perfect. Occasionally, I'll have friends say things like, "Your life is perfect," or, "You do so many cool things!" While I appreciate the sentiment, it's easy to make life look good through Facebook and Instagram. You only see what I want you to see after all. Honestly, life is really good, but I hope that acknowledging some personal struggle in a public way will reinforce to you all that everyone struggles, and everyone encounters pauses and problems. I'm trying every day to take the negatives and turn them into positives and let them shape who I am.
Enough is enough for the evening. A long day of driving tomorrow. If you'll be in Chicago August 6, I would love to see you all at a benefit for my brother Brad Zandstra who is struggling through his second battle with cancer and is in the thick of chemo right now. He could really use our help, as the costs really add up. The links to the event page and the donation page if you can't make it are below. Goodnight, all!
https://www.facebook.com/events/114589755543548/
http://www.gofundme.com/xha8us
June 13: fly Jeju to Seoul. Meet Jim Welp, Ben Welp, and Bill Richeson. Partying commences. Bill and I go out until 5am and meet up with Emily and Sam MacLean.
June 14: Hang out and do Korean stuff.
June 15: visit traditional Korean vestments parlor, eat good foods, drink good drinks. Wallow in Korea nostalgia.
June 16: miss my check-in time for flight to Sydney. Buy new flight to Sydney. Fly overnight to Sydney.
June 17: Wake up in Australia. Go to hostel. Receive message from Jack Sellman that he's staying at the hostel across the street from mine. Walk along harbor in Sydney. Take opera house tour. See Lore dance show at Opera House at night. Sit next to British guy named Connor who is by chance staying at the same hostel as me. Go out with him and other folks from the hostel.
June 18: meet Sam DeVice, her mom, and her mom's Australian friends for harbor lunch cruise. Go with Sam to aquarium. Drink beer and eat pizza. Go out.
June 19: Jack Sellman and I go for lunch and end up galavanting around town together. We go to the Skydeck of the Sydney tower and do the Skywalk on the outside of the tower. Terrifying. End up at bar attached to my hostel. Dance the night away.
June 20: hang more with Jack. Go shopping and have lunch. Take evening bus to Newcastle. Chill at hostel for the night.
June 21: walk out by Newcastle beach and watch dolphins for a few hours. Walk the whole coast, go back and shower, have dinner and go to a craft beer place, turn in early.
June 22: final day in Newcastle. Walk all the way down Hunter St. and see cool shops and such. Very bohemian. Quite enjoy it. Eat a nice dinner and turn in early.
June 23: catch early flight to Melbourne. Go to hostel, rent a bike, ride around South Melbourne and to the port. Come back, go to trivia night with people from hostel, turn in early.
June 24: bum around at Forgotten Soldier memorial and botanical garden. Meet Liam (a friend I met traveling in Prague last summer) for dinner and beers. Go to night market. Meet Erin, a friend who I met in Ireland last summer. Go out with her and her friends.
June 25: fly to Auckland. Arrive at 6pm, pick up car begin driving to Hobbiton. 45 minutes away from Auckland, GPS dies, moment of panic. Stop at gas station, cigarette lighter in car for power doesn't work. Follow signs back to Auckland airport car rental, sleep in parking lot.
June 26: get the car swapped out easily. Drive to Hobbiton. Beautiful green rolling hills and mountains for the drive. Hobbiton is sick. Drive to Rotorua and go zorbing. Check into a hostel because I'm tired as hell and don't want to drive any further. Check out the lake. Have a pork belly sandwich. Retire to hostel for relaxing.
It's been a hell of a trip so far! I've got 5 days left and then I'll be home for 24 hours before embarking on my road trip with Mikey. I'm going to be ready to settle down by the time I get to Rome! Some reoccurring thoughts I've had during the travels:
1. "Holy smokes, do I even comprehend how lucky I am?"
2. "I'm really freaking lucky."
3. "I miss Jeju and friends."
4. "I love these accents!"
5. "Driving on the left side of the road? It doesn't make sense."
That's about all I have to say for travels. It's been rad. I'm currently at my hostel in a room where 4 Germans are watching Crazy Stupid Love. So that's interesting. Going to wake up tomorrow and drive to Lake Taupo. No idea what I'm doing from there.
I titled this post "Pause" for a few reasons. First, I just wanted to remind myself to take the time to look at my life and at this year and this trip and reflect on it all. It's important to pause to do that. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about trying to slow myself down amidst all of the craziness right now. I need to stop and realize just how incredibly lucky I am to live the life I am living. It feels good to acknowledge that.
Another thing that has made me think of pausing is a current trend I've seen online that I really like, most boldly embodied in my good friend, mentor, and former teacher, Frank Corley. People, including Frank, are getting semicolon tattoos for suicide awareness. It symbolizes that something could've ended (a sentence, or a life in the metaphor), but it didn't. It was just a pause and then a moving forward.
In the metaphor, the focus is on the moving forward part, and that is really important. I see the pause as equally important. Whether it's a suicide attempt or just taking a moment to pause and realize your flaws, you have to have that moment in the first place to be able to move forward from it. It's not something you should necessarily be rid of entirely. I'll use my own experience as an example.
Anyone who knows me knows that this current pace I'm going at is my norm. I rarely slow down, and socially, I'm always going in a hundred different directions. Senior year of college in the fall, I started to act a lot less like myself. I had ten thousand reasons to be happy. I was dating a great girl who I remain good friends with; I had great friends; I was ready for graduation and doing well in school. Despite all that, I didn't feel like I could find reasons to be happy. I found this weird rut of self-loathing and self-doubt that was really uncharacteristic of the self that I knew. I scrutinized everything about myself from my weight, to my performance at work, to just about every word that came out of my mouth. It all hit a head when I started feeling like I wasn't fit to live or wanted around by anyone. I started thinking about whether the world would even realize I was gone.
I was lucky enough to realize at that point how out of character it was, and I went to see my doctor, who suggested I start taking antidepressants and vitamin D supplements. It's seemed to help, and I've continued taking them since. I feel like myself again, and it was my being able to pause and realize something was wrong. I'm thankful for the pause, even if it sucked at the time. It's me, and I like me.
This year, I've been finding myself taking pictures of things that are broken. There was a broken bridge at the DMZ, broken trees like crazy, a wilted flower here and there, a broken dock in Melbourne this week, and several other fine examples. I think the point I'm getting at is that there's beauty in broken things, and at some point, we're all going to encounter that pause, no matter what form it comes in, and we'll have to decide whether to make it a semicolon or a period. We're all a little broken, but I think everyone's a little beautiful, too. Pauses can be good. I've learned a lot about myself by admitting I needed a little bit of help. Nobody can do it alone, after all, and I think I'm a better person as a result of dealing with some personal struggle.
If you ever find that the world is getting to be a little too much, I urge you to make that pause a semicolon and not a period. Your problems aren't petty, and especially if they're uncharacteristic, it takes the help of others to get you back to base level. Reach out to me. I'll get to WiFi faster than you can spell "WiFi" and Skype you and help you make it through the day. Don't go giving up. Life's a beautiful thing, and as I sit here in New Zealand, one of the luckiest guys I know in one of the most beautiful places on earth, I'm very acutely aware of that.
Anyway, I got a little soap box-ish there, but I think it's important that people acknowledge that no one expects you to be perfect. Occasionally, I'll have friends say things like, "Your life is perfect," or, "You do so many cool things!" While I appreciate the sentiment, it's easy to make life look good through Facebook and Instagram. You only see what I want you to see after all. Honestly, life is really good, but I hope that acknowledging some personal struggle in a public way will reinforce to you all that everyone struggles, and everyone encounters pauses and problems. I'm trying every day to take the negatives and turn them into positives and let them shape who I am.
Enough is enough for the evening. A long day of driving tomorrow. If you'll be in Chicago August 6, I would love to see you all at a benefit for my brother Brad Zandstra who is struggling through his second battle with cancer and is in the thick of chemo right now. He could really use our help, as the costs really add up. The links to the event page and the donation page if you can't make it are below. Goodnight, all!
https://www.facebook.com/events/114589755543548/
http://www.gofundme.com/xha8us
Monday, June 15, 2015
The Journey Continues
"What we do now echoes in eternity." -- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Alas, my journey in Korea is at an end. I leave tomorrow for a 2 week adventure in Australia and New Zealand, and I am really sad to be going. I said the last of the goodbyes to friends today, and it admittedly hurts a lot. I'm really lucky to have had these last few days in Seoul with friends I've made at all different points in my life. Jim and Ben Welp and Bill Richeson, dear friends who are all related in various ways to my friend Laura Welp, came from all over the world for a visit. Sam and Emily Maclean, two really awesome world travelers who I met in Prague are working in Korea now, and we went out for a night and caught up. A good handful of my coworkers were here too. It was the most fitting sendoff I could have possibly imagined, and I enjoyed everyone around me so much.
I finally admitted to myself tonight that it's the end. I took the night off from going out and stayed in to process my thoughts, and I went for a nice walk in Hongdae to get my last taste of Korea. It's been great, but it's over, and an incredible next chapter is ahead.
With that next chapter, The Jeju Chronicles end, and a new blog is born. I started this past year in Jeju by reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. It's full of great wisdom and advice, but the quote above really resonated with me. What we do now in this life, in all of these singular little moments, leaves an impression on the world. What you do with your life isn't a waste, and it doesn't go with you to your grave. The people you affect in your life, and the people you meet and change as they change you, all resonate into the cosmos of infinity. Each action has a consequence leading to a subsequent action and consequence. My life since college has lead me to believe so firmly that things happen exactly as they are supposed to, and in the only way that they ever could. I'm not saying that our lives are predetermined for us, just that things tend to have some crazy way of working out, and that our actions truly define us. What we do leads us to who we are, and while that might sound like a bunch of mindless rambling, it's become somewhat of a creed (I miss you, Lucas Dines) for me. I control my own future. I met Emily and Sam in Prague last year, and it really felt full circle when I saw them here in Korea. I felt some weird interconnectedness and purpose to the crazy night of dancing we had. I hadn't seen Jim or Ben in 2 years or so, and here we were in Korea exploring and having a great time. It felt like things had to go exactly as they have. It was too perfect. This whole year and its ending make me feel like I'm going in the right direction with my life.
Thus, I chose this title for my blog. I suppose it's also very fitting that I'm headed to Rome and Marcus Aurelius was a Roman! It's a bit more versatile than The Jeju Chronicles, so it can last to Rome and beyond. Maybe I'll be lucky enough for my words to truly make an impression at some point for someone somewhere, and they shall echo into eternity. One can only hope. As always, thanks for reading, and I'll try to work in an update about Australia and New Zealand when I'm home before I leave to road trip with Mikey. Have a great June, everybody!
-Ryan
Alas, my journey in Korea is at an end. I leave tomorrow for a 2 week adventure in Australia and New Zealand, and I am really sad to be going. I said the last of the goodbyes to friends today, and it admittedly hurts a lot. I'm really lucky to have had these last few days in Seoul with friends I've made at all different points in my life. Jim and Ben Welp and Bill Richeson, dear friends who are all related in various ways to my friend Laura Welp, came from all over the world for a visit. Sam and Emily Maclean, two really awesome world travelers who I met in Prague are working in Korea now, and we went out for a night and caught up. A good handful of my coworkers were here too. It was the most fitting sendoff I could have possibly imagined, and I enjoyed everyone around me so much.
I finally admitted to myself tonight that it's the end. I took the night off from going out and stayed in to process my thoughts, and I went for a nice walk in Hongdae to get my last taste of Korea. It's been great, but it's over, and an incredible next chapter is ahead.
With that next chapter, The Jeju Chronicles end, and a new blog is born. I started this past year in Jeju by reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations. It's full of great wisdom and advice, but the quote above really resonated with me. What we do now in this life, in all of these singular little moments, leaves an impression on the world. What you do with your life isn't a waste, and it doesn't go with you to your grave. The people you affect in your life, and the people you meet and change as they change you, all resonate into the cosmos of infinity. Each action has a consequence leading to a subsequent action and consequence. My life since college has lead me to believe so firmly that things happen exactly as they are supposed to, and in the only way that they ever could. I'm not saying that our lives are predetermined for us, just that things tend to have some crazy way of working out, and that our actions truly define us. What we do leads us to who we are, and while that might sound like a bunch of mindless rambling, it's become somewhat of a creed (I miss you, Lucas Dines) for me. I control my own future. I met Emily and Sam in Prague last year, and it really felt full circle when I saw them here in Korea. I felt some weird interconnectedness and purpose to the crazy night of dancing we had. I hadn't seen Jim or Ben in 2 years or so, and here we were in Korea exploring and having a great time. It felt like things had to go exactly as they have. It was too perfect. This whole year and its ending make me feel like I'm going in the right direction with my life.
Thus, I chose this title for my blog. I suppose it's also very fitting that I'm headed to Rome and Marcus Aurelius was a Roman! It's a bit more versatile than The Jeju Chronicles, so it can last to Rome and beyond. Maybe I'll be lucky enough for my words to truly make an impression at some point for someone somewhere, and they shall echo into eternity. One can only hope. As always, thanks for reading, and I'll try to work in an update about Australia and New Zealand when I'm home before I leave to road trip with Mikey. Have a great June, everybody!
-Ryan
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Goodbye, Jeju.
Dear Jeju,
The time has come for me to depart from you, oh sweet, sunny island. It's been a year, and it's been quite lovely overall. You've given me peace, stability, friendship, and experience. You've given me natural beauty unlike anywhere else in the world. You've given me great food and pretty subpar drink. You've given me trials, and you've given me triumphs.
Undoubtedly, some of the fine people you've brought into my life will fade into obscurity, and some will remain friends for life. "Home is where the heart is," and I've found a home in this place. Whether it was my newfound hobby of smoking meat with my brother Lucas Dines, finding new music from Allison Ice on a long drive, paddle boarding with the Glynns, or getting shabu shabu with the whole Monday crew, these people and several others have wiggled into my heart. I have you to thank for that, Jeju.
I climbed the country's tallest mountains with you. I traveled all over Asia. I wished I was home. You saw me at my best, and you saw me at my broken. I do wish you would change your laws so that driving any vehicle on the roads in an intoxicated state is illegal, but I'll let it slide. You gave me my first taste of life after college, and you pointed me closer to my end goals. I'm grateful for that.
To be honest, I didn't have expectations when I first encountered you, Jeju. I knew too little about you to really have an informed opinion. Not having expectations allowed me to be ready for anything and to open myself to all you had to offer, and that makes me want to explore more places that I know little about. I am very grateful for that.
You've given me hope, and you've given me doubts. You've given me hope that I can survive and thrive in new places, and I think I want to keep encountering new places for a while. You've given me doubts that I can settle down any time soon, and that scares me. If I had a dime for every time I wondered what my life would be like in five years, I would have a lot of dimes. If I knew where I would be in five years, I wouldn't be working hard to get there.
You've given me Lazybox, Cafe Mayb, the roadside pork/jiggae place, American Sushi, shabu shabu, Sangbangsan, Sagye, Emart, GS25/CU, the fish and chips place by the beach, U-do, the Bonte Museum, and countless other places where I will forever have precious memories.
You gave me a wakeup call in the form of a motorcycle accident. Never have I been so acutely aware that I am mortal. It was terrible, but in the end, I learned a lot. You taught me that I shouldn't be reckless, but that doesn't mean I can't live life to its fullest potential.
You taught me to not take my education for granted. You taught me that not everyone I meet will be likeminded with me. You taught me that sometimes, it's better to keep my mouth shut. You reminded me what I want out of my life and what kind of man I want to be. You taught me that kids can suck so incredibly badly, but they can be pretty great, too. You taught me the value of fostering deep connections with folks, no matter where you are.
Hell, Jeju. I could go on for days. You've been a great gift to me. You've become a friend, and you've been a teacher unlike any other thus far in my life. Most of all, you taught me that somehow, some way, things have a weird way of working out. Life can look bleak, but it's not over until it's over. I'm more aware than ever of the need for perseverance, humility, and empathy.
Finally, you taught me what it means to truly miss family and friends. I'm one of the luckiest people I know, and I have so many relationships in my life that I would be lost without. It was an added bonus that you brought me more of those relationships to move forward from here with.
I'll send you postcards from Italy. I'll have to come back to see baby Dines and how incredible the GEC is in a few years. Thanks for everything. I'll miss you.
Goodbye, Jeju.
Love,
Ryan
The time has come for me to depart from you, oh sweet, sunny island. It's been a year, and it's been quite lovely overall. You've given me peace, stability, friendship, and experience. You've given me natural beauty unlike anywhere else in the world. You've given me great food and pretty subpar drink. You've given me trials, and you've given me triumphs.
Undoubtedly, some of the fine people you've brought into my life will fade into obscurity, and some will remain friends for life. "Home is where the heart is," and I've found a home in this place. Whether it was my newfound hobby of smoking meat with my brother Lucas Dines, finding new music from Allison Ice on a long drive, paddle boarding with the Glynns, or getting shabu shabu with the whole Monday crew, these people and several others have wiggled into my heart. I have you to thank for that, Jeju.
I climbed the country's tallest mountains with you. I traveled all over Asia. I wished I was home. You saw me at my best, and you saw me at my broken. I do wish you would change your laws so that driving any vehicle on the roads in an intoxicated state is illegal, but I'll let it slide. You gave me my first taste of life after college, and you pointed me closer to my end goals. I'm grateful for that.
To be honest, I didn't have expectations when I first encountered you, Jeju. I knew too little about you to really have an informed opinion. Not having expectations allowed me to be ready for anything and to open myself to all you had to offer, and that makes me want to explore more places that I know little about. I am very grateful for that.
You've given me hope, and you've given me doubts. You've given me hope that I can survive and thrive in new places, and I think I want to keep encountering new places for a while. You've given me doubts that I can settle down any time soon, and that scares me. If I had a dime for every time I wondered what my life would be like in five years, I would have a lot of dimes. If I knew where I would be in five years, I wouldn't be working hard to get there.
You've given me Lazybox, Cafe Mayb, the roadside pork/jiggae place, American Sushi, shabu shabu, Sangbangsan, Sagye, Emart, GS25/CU, the fish and chips place by the beach, U-do, the Bonte Museum, and countless other places where I will forever have precious memories.
You gave me a wakeup call in the form of a motorcycle accident. Never have I been so acutely aware that I am mortal. It was terrible, but in the end, I learned a lot. You taught me that I shouldn't be reckless, but that doesn't mean I can't live life to its fullest potential.
You taught me to not take my education for granted. You taught me that not everyone I meet will be likeminded with me. You taught me that sometimes, it's better to keep my mouth shut. You reminded me what I want out of my life and what kind of man I want to be. You taught me that kids can suck so incredibly badly, but they can be pretty great, too. You taught me the value of fostering deep connections with folks, no matter where you are.
Hell, Jeju. I could go on for days. You've been a great gift to me. You've become a friend, and you've been a teacher unlike any other thus far in my life. Most of all, you taught me that somehow, some way, things have a weird way of working out. Life can look bleak, but it's not over until it's over. I'm more aware than ever of the need for perseverance, humility, and empathy.
Finally, you taught me what it means to truly miss family and friends. I'm one of the luckiest people I know, and I have so many relationships in my life that I would be lost without. It was an added bonus that you brought me more of those relationships to move forward from here with.
I'll send you postcards from Italy. I'll have to come back to see baby Dines and how incredible the GEC is in a few years. Thanks for everything. I'll miss you.
Goodbye, Jeju.
Love,
Ryan
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Wrapping Up The Year
With a such a large transition approaching, I've been uncharacteristically calm and collected, going through my daily business and preparing to leave Korea. I tend to think for extended periods of time before falling asleep, and last night was no exception. Sometimes I have great thoughts, and I really process my day or my relationships or my inner workings. Last night, I didn't have any fun thoughts. Instead, the second I laid down in my bed, the full weight of the next few months hit me like a brick.
I leave Jeju in exactly one week. It's almost a year to the day that I found out I got the job here. I interviewed in my friend Jake's bed room from his house in the suburbs of Chicago, and a few days later, I found out I was going to a place I had never even heard of. A month and a half later, I was here.
And, now, I'm here still, with a little over a week left, and only a few days left with the students. Where has the year gone? It decided to kick it into warp speed at some point, and now, it's come, and it's gone. It's been a year of self-discovery and self-reflection with some minor personal changes. I feel like my sense of self and my goals are more clear, but that all-in-all, I'm the same guy with more knowledge of this country and this part of the world.
As I laid in bed last night, I realized I'm about to move from Asia to Europe with little time in between. I had a mini-panic attack that involved a lot of irregular breathing and tossing around. I've shipped home a ton of stuff and should probably start packing. I have like 3 weeks at home this summer and will be on the go constantly. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer it this way, but that doesn't make the thought of it any less scary. I need to be ready to move to Rome by the first week of August. That is soon.
And, as well as things have come together, I admit that I'm nervous. It's a natural reaction to be nervous for the unknown, I suppose, but that doesn't make me feel any less silly about it. I'm going back to Rome! I'm going into a job in what I want to be my career field! Why must my stupid brain be so worrisome? Alas, I know everything will go well with the busy summer and the job next year.
Today, I proctored the SAT and felt horrible flashbacks of the old standardized testing days. Naturally, that made me worried for eventually taking the GRE. I'll have to start making moves on that front before I know it, too. Hopefully, I'll be able to complete a higher ed degree abroad. Sorry, Ma, I might not be close for a bit longer.
Lately, I've had my brother Brad Zandstra on my mind. He is going through a tough time right now, and you always want to be there when your friends are struggling. It's harder knowing that even if I was there, there isn't a damn thing I could do. If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's why bad things happen to the best of people. Cancer really is stupid and senseless. If you're of the type to keep people in your thoughts or prayers, I would, and I know he would, appreciate your well wishes.
That's all my brain's got for now. Have a good weekend, folks.
I leave Jeju in exactly one week. It's almost a year to the day that I found out I got the job here. I interviewed in my friend Jake's bed room from his house in the suburbs of Chicago, and a few days later, I found out I was going to a place I had never even heard of. A month and a half later, I was here.
And, now, I'm here still, with a little over a week left, and only a few days left with the students. Where has the year gone? It decided to kick it into warp speed at some point, and now, it's come, and it's gone. It's been a year of self-discovery and self-reflection with some minor personal changes. I feel like my sense of self and my goals are more clear, but that all-in-all, I'm the same guy with more knowledge of this country and this part of the world.
As I laid in bed last night, I realized I'm about to move from Asia to Europe with little time in between. I had a mini-panic attack that involved a lot of irregular breathing and tossing around. I've shipped home a ton of stuff and should probably start packing. I have like 3 weeks at home this summer and will be on the go constantly. Anyone who knows me knows that I prefer it this way, but that doesn't make the thought of it any less scary. I need to be ready to move to Rome by the first week of August. That is soon.
And, as well as things have come together, I admit that I'm nervous. It's a natural reaction to be nervous for the unknown, I suppose, but that doesn't make me feel any less silly about it. I'm going back to Rome! I'm going into a job in what I want to be my career field! Why must my stupid brain be so worrisome? Alas, I know everything will go well with the busy summer and the job next year.
Today, I proctored the SAT and felt horrible flashbacks of the old standardized testing days. Naturally, that made me worried for eventually taking the GRE. I'll have to start making moves on that front before I know it, too. Hopefully, I'll be able to complete a higher ed degree abroad. Sorry, Ma, I might not be close for a bit longer.
Lately, I've had my brother Brad Zandstra on my mind. He is going through a tough time right now, and you always want to be there when your friends are struggling. It's harder knowing that even if I was there, there isn't a damn thing I could do. If there's one thing I'll never understand, it's why bad things happen to the best of people. Cancer really is stupid and senseless. If you're of the type to keep people in your thoughts or prayers, I would, and I know he would, appreciate your well wishes.
That's all my brain's got for now. Have a good weekend, folks.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
"This is how I want to remember Jeju."
"This is how I want to remember Jeju," my good friend Melissa said out at a tiny island overlooking the coast. We had just paddle boarded for 35 minutes or so to get out to a tiny island off the coast of Jeju, one that I have been looking at for the whole year here. Some of you have also probably seen it in Instagrams and Facebook photos I have posted:
It's that little guy off in the distance, and I've been dreaming of going out to it since I first sat at Lazybox Cafe and saw it all solitary and pretty out there. We decided to paddle board out there, and it was better than I could have imagined.
It's that little guy off in the distance, and I've been dreaming of going out to it since I first sat at Lazybox Cafe and saw it all solitary and pretty out there. We decided to paddle board out there, and it was better than I could have imagined.
As I sat on one of those hills on the island, Melissa said, "This is how I want to remember Jeju," and I couldn't agree more.
In a lot of ways, it's been a challenging year. The job itself has been challenging, and sometimes the boys make me want to rip my hair out. I've had to learn to separate the job from the rest of my life, which is often hard to do when the only thing separating your bed from the nearest student is a paper thin wall. I wrote a post earlier in the year about how learning to ride the motorcycle really mirrored my mood and taught me to live in the present; well, crashing it had the same effect. It really brought my mood down and made me long for home. I have had a fear of missing out on the experiences of my college friends to a certain extent all year, and I have days where that's really difficult. I think on a daily basis, I do a good job of shutting all of the negative feelings away, which in itself can be a bit taxing. I've come to accept that life will present you challenges no matter where you are, but when you leave the familiar behind, you have to find a way to lean back on the old and familiar without letting it consume you. You have to lean back on the old and find new people to lean on in your present. I've definitely done that here.
But alas, yesterday was what Jeju is to me. Lifelong friendships, incredible natural beauty that I will most likely not encounter again on a daily basis, finally being out of that miserable cast, feeling all young and free out in the ocean (#blessed), and just knowing that this year was exactly what I wanted and needed for the next step of my life. I feel more prepared for the job in Rome than I would have if I had gone last year. I feel ready for the next step. I feel sad to leave here. I feel fully content, and the butterflies I feel for the future are really pretty butterflies instead of nagging ones.
I don't know that it's in my DNA to stay in one place for a really long time. I think someday it will be. I think when my sister gets married and I have some nieces/nephews running around, I may want to be closer to home. But then again, I could always be the cool uncle who brings back presents from all over the world. Lots of time to consider these things, I suppose. As for now, I've got two and a half weeks left on my little island, and I want to spend them remembering and continuing to realize why I love it here. Thanks for reading.
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Honesty, Accountability, and Gratitude
I had a great conversation with my buddy Lucas the other day about how meaningful it is to be honest and to admit mistakes. I'm big on forgiveness, and I don't think there's anything that isn't forgivable. However, I think to be truly able to accept forgiveness, you have to admit wrongdoing, and often, that's easier said than done. Nothing makes me lose respect for someone quicker than if they can never be wrong. Being wrong is part of life, and after working with middle schoolers, I can confidently say that it's a very middle school attitude to think you have to make excuses and forward on blame to others. You're going to mess up, and yeah, that's a little scary, but own up to it when you do. In friendships, in the workplace, and in how we deal with our students here, the ability to take responsibility is imperative.
Honesty and accountability go hand in hand. If I want you to be accountable, I have to be honest with you both about my expectations and if I feel you've done wrong. When people tend to not want to take responsibility, they more often than not lie to get around admitting something. You've got to have one to have the other. I think sometimes it becomes your way of life. I have students here who dedicate whole days to breaking the rules then lying to get out of it. I understand not wanting to get in trouble, but I think if you aren't taught accountability, it's something that sticks with you and will haunt you later in life. I immediately gain more respect for someone if they do something wrong then admit it right away if they're called them on it. Then I have kids here caught redhanded in lies that will try to tell me that I didn't see what was right in front of my face. That's a hard cycle to break once you've started it, and I've met people already in my young professional career in their 20s who just can't help but lie, and it's sad to me.
I tell you all this because it's been really on my brain lately. Whether it's having trouble trusting things with my job, having trouble giving back trust to friends who have broken it, or just being weary to trust people in general, it seems like it's been a theme for the last few weeks. I can't stand maliciously lying and cheating, and it's often for no good reason. If someone tells me a small, insignificant lie, it leads me to wonder what else they might be lying to me about, and that scares me. It scares me because I don't want to hold anything back from people. I don't want to alter the way I am because I'm worried that if I show myself to people they're going to let me down. I don't even remember being double-crossed to the point where I should be so worried about peoples' intentions, yet I find myself paranoid that I'll be swindled or bamboozled. I want to let people be innocent until proven guilty, but sometimes my brain pushes to not give people the benefit of the doubt. People make mistakes, and if I said I was always truthful 100% of the time, everyone knows I would be lying (see what I did there?). I think for some people though, it's a habit.
Alas, for how downer that sounds, life is really good. I have so much to be grateful for I get the cast off in two weeks, and the foot is feeling better. I had to cancel my trip to Nepal, but I think it's for the better. I hear they're kicking out foreign aid workers, and with a bad foot, I would probably just be in the way. Guess I'll just have to go visit my friend Kelly who is living there next year! Lucas, his friend (and now my friend) Matt, and I are threw a giant BBQ this weekend at a really scenic beach and cooked a half hog. We built the pit out of cinder blocks and steel, and assuming we break even, anything left over is going to benefit my medical and legal debts from the accident, which is really incredible of everyone. It's things like this that remind me that people are inherently good. I know there's some psychopaths out there, but the majority of the human race that I encounter means well, and that's pretty awesome. Something stupid happened to me, but out of a broken foot came an awesome BBQ and a great bonding night with my friends here on Jeju.
I think in the worst of situations, there's always some good waiting around the corner. I don't think it's easy to realize the things in your life that you need to be grateful for, and you have to actively be searching for them. It's easy to have bad things happen and wallow in your misery. That's the lazy way, and I've been guilty more than once of feeling sorry for myself over the last few weeks. It's ridiculous. I have it so good, and I have so much to be grateful for. I've learned and grown from the accident, and again, it's provided for some good times, to the point of actually finding the accident kind of funny now. I got hit by a drunken tractor driver in South Korea. I have a feeling I'll be telling that story for quite a while. The best medicine for misfortune that's out of your control is laughing. Life goes on, and I think as I get older, I'm learning how to try to be more positive in general.
Anyway, that's the brain-vomit I've had over the last few days. Only a few more weeks left on Jeju, and then on to the next adventure. As always, thanks for reading.
Honesty and accountability go hand in hand. If I want you to be accountable, I have to be honest with you both about my expectations and if I feel you've done wrong. When people tend to not want to take responsibility, they more often than not lie to get around admitting something. You've got to have one to have the other. I think sometimes it becomes your way of life. I have students here who dedicate whole days to breaking the rules then lying to get out of it. I understand not wanting to get in trouble, but I think if you aren't taught accountability, it's something that sticks with you and will haunt you later in life. I immediately gain more respect for someone if they do something wrong then admit it right away if they're called them on it. Then I have kids here caught redhanded in lies that will try to tell me that I didn't see what was right in front of my face. That's a hard cycle to break once you've started it, and I've met people already in my young professional career in their 20s who just can't help but lie, and it's sad to me.
I tell you all this because it's been really on my brain lately. Whether it's having trouble trusting things with my job, having trouble giving back trust to friends who have broken it, or just being weary to trust people in general, it seems like it's been a theme for the last few weeks. I can't stand maliciously lying and cheating, and it's often for no good reason. If someone tells me a small, insignificant lie, it leads me to wonder what else they might be lying to me about, and that scares me. It scares me because I don't want to hold anything back from people. I don't want to alter the way I am because I'm worried that if I show myself to people they're going to let me down. I don't even remember being double-crossed to the point where I should be so worried about peoples' intentions, yet I find myself paranoid that I'll be swindled or bamboozled. I want to let people be innocent until proven guilty, but sometimes my brain pushes to not give people the benefit of the doubt. People make mistakes, and if I said I was always truthful 100% of the time, everyone knows I would be lying (see what I did there?). I think for some people though, it's a habit.
Alas, for how downer that sounds, life is really good. I have so much to be grateful for I get the cast off in two weeks, and the foot is feeling better. I had to cancel my trip to Nepal, but I think it's for the better. I hear they're kicking out foreign aid workers, and with a bad foot, I would probably just be in the way. Guess I'll just have to go visit my friend Kelly who is living there next year! Lucas, his friend (and now my friend) Matt, and I are threw a giant BBQ this weekend at a really scenic beach and cooked a half hog. We built the pit out of cinder blocks and steel, and assuming we break even, anything left over is going to benefit my medical and legal debts from the accident, which is really incredible of everyone. It's things like this that remind me that people are inherently good. I know there's some psychopaths out there, but the majority of the human race that I encounter means well, and that's pretty awesome. Something stupid happened to me, but out of a broken foot came an awesome BBQ and a great bonding night with my friends here on Jeju.
I think in the worst of situations, there's always some good waiting around the corner. I don't think it's easy to realize the things in your life that you need to be grateful for, and you have to actively be searching for them. It's easy to have bad things happen and wallow in your misery. That's the lazy way, and I've been guilty more than once of feeling sorry for myself over the last few weeks. It's ridiculous. I have it so good, and I have so much to be grateful for. I've learned and grown from the accident, and again, it's provided for some good times, to the point of actually finding the accident kind of funny now. I got hit by a drunken tractor driver in South Korea. I have a feeling I'll be telling that story for quite a while. The best medicine for misfortune that's out of your control is laughing. Life goes on, and I think as I get older, I'm learning how to try to be more positive in general.
Anyway, that's the brain-vomit I've had over the last few days. Only a few more weeks left on Jeju, and then on to the next adventure. As always, thanks for reading.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Depth
There's a lot of word-vomit I could launch out into the interwebs right now, but I'm going to try to do this in an organized fashion, and I think sharing it will help me make sense of it. So, here goes.
I'm talking about the depth of friendships, and how far into yourself you let others see, as well as how far you yourself explore. I've had a few transitions in my life as far as both of these aspects. In grade school and high school, I had the same friends almost all throughout. The guys I hung around are good guys, but we don't keep in touch all that much anymore. I think they see me for who I was in middle school. I don't think they really know me, and I don't really claim to know them anymore. Friendships fizzle. I get that. I think they fizzled because of lack of depth, and whenever I hang out with them as a group when I'm home, I feel like a total outsider. Late in high school, I met a bunch of people on a retreat, and craving the depth I didn't have in other friendships, I gravitated towards them. It had nothing to do with religion; it was just that the retreat setting provided for an initial segue into knowing them better. They shared their experiences on the retreat even though I barely knew them, and I wanted to get to know them better.
I left for college, and I was distraught about not having any truly deep friendships established. I didn't know who I would confide in, who would just sit and wonder about the world with me, or who I would be a source of confidence for. That changed quickly, and in college I formed some of the deepest friendships I have to this day. I tell you that to tell you the mindset I came in to Korea with. I was scared again about not having any deep friendships, but I was confident I would make them happen.
The last few weeks have been trying. Dealing with the physical, legal, and emotional toll of this motorcycle accident has been harder than expected. The earthquake in Nepal has left me with a ticket to Nepal in May and a ruined city. Unsure of how I'll proceed, I'm hoping to go and make a difference, so long as my foot is healed in time. I planned on getting LASIK surgery next week, and I had it all booked, but the costs of the accident have made that infeasible. I have had some missteps with my friends here that have left me down on myself. It just seems like I'm in a bit of a rut right now. I started to examine my friendships here and their depth, and I started to feel like I have only formed a few deep friendships. It started to eat away at me because I wanted to be able to just jump into deeper conversations, but I realized I wasn't feeling comfortable doing so with the people I saw daily. I didn't want to be a burden with my problems, and I didn't want to seem argumentative by talking about social/political ideas on my mind. I was too scared of ruffling feathers and alienating the only support I have during a tough time.
I think I'm over the hump on that. I had to sit down and tell myself that not every conversation has to be mind-altering and thought-provoking (as important as those conversations are), but sometimes just talking with someone about anything at all can be a source of comfort. As I've been more receptive to those littler conversations (read as not holing myself up in my room and being moody), the deeper conversations have happened. I've made some lifelong friends here, and it's comforting to know that.
My future for next year is settled, and that's great. My future beyond that isn't, and it's scary, which is something I shouldn't even be considering. I can barely figure out what I'm doing for lunch, and my brain won't stop trying to think about this big conceptual "future." Grad school, relationships, where I'll settle down, future career/jobs, how I'll continue to travel, what's most important to me and what isn't, and so on. In some way, it didn't feel like much of a transition from college to Korea. I was so thrust into the unknown and forced to adapt that I didn't have time to think about anything but the present, and I'm glad. Now that I'm settled and have a plan for the immediate future, my mind is playing tricks on me and thinking ahead too far.
I don't think I'll ever move home (sorry, Mom). I've been trying to figure out my aversion to going back to where I started, and I think it's just that I feel like I've grown apart from the people that made home what it was. I miss the family and several friends, but for some reason my brain wants to move past St. Louis as a permanent residence. I feel kind of guilty about it. It's been nagging me lately. Plenty of time to stew over it, I suppose!
My friend Cayla, who I studied abroad with in Rome, was here this week visiting from her semester abroad in Vietnam. It was so great to see a familiar face. It was odd to have a connection to home here. All this time, my two worlds have been so separate. I wouldn't expect anyone at home to know much about here, and I don't know much about what goes on at home besides what I see in the news. Just having someone to show around and to understand life here was really great. It's been a good week on that front.
That's about all I have for now. Have a good weekend.
I'm talking about the depth of friendships, and how far into yourself you let others see, as well as how far you yourself explore. I've had a few transitions in my life as far as both of these aspects. In grade school and high school, I had the same friends almost all throughout. The guys I hung around are good guys, but we don't keep in touch all that much anymore. I think they see me for who I was in middle school. I don't think they really know me, and I don't really claim to know them anymore. Friendships fizzle. I get that. I think they fizzled because of lack of depth, and whenever I hang out with them as a group when I'm home, I feel like a total outsider. Late in high school, I met a bunch of people on a retreat, and craving the depth I didn't have in other friendships, I gravitated towards them. It had nothing to do with religion; it was just that the retreat setting provided for an initial segue into knowing them better. They shared their experiences on the retreat even though I barely knew them, and I wanted to get to know them better.
I left for college, and I was distraught about not having any truly deep friendships established. I didn't know who I would confide in, who would just sit and wonder about the world with me, or who I would be a source of confidence for. That changed quickly, and in college I formed some of the deepest friendships I have to this day. I tell you that to tell you the mindset I came in to Korea with. I was scared again about not having any deep friendships, but I was confident I would make them happen.
The last few weeks have been trying. Dealing with the physical, legal, and emotional toll of this motorcycle accident has been harder than expected. The earthquake in Nepal has left me with a ticket to Nepal in May and a ruined city. Unsure of how I'll proceed, I'm hoping to go and make a difference, so long as my foot is healed in time. I planned on getting LASIK surgery next week, and I had it all booked, but the costs of the accident have made that infeasible. I have had some missteps with my friends here that have left me down on myself. It just seems like I'm in a bit of a rut right now. I started to examine my friendships here and their depth, and I started to feel like I have only formed a few deep friendships. It started to eat away at me because I wanted to be able to just jump into deeper conversations, but I realized I wasn't feeling comfortable doing so with the people I saw daily. I didn't want to be a burden with my problems, and I didn't want to seem argumentative by talking about social/political ideas on my mind. I was too scared of ruffling feathers and alienating the only support I have during a tough time.
I think I'm over the hump on that. I had to sit down and tell myself that not every conversation has to be mind-altering and thought-provoking (as important as those conversations are), but sometimes just talking with someone about anything at all can be a source of comfort. As I've been more receptive to those littler conversations (read as not holing myself up in my room and being moody), the deeper conversations have happened. I've made some lifelong friends here, and it's comforting to know that.
My future for next year is settled, and that's great. My future beyond that isn't, and it's scary, which is something I shouldn't even be considering. I can barely figure out what I'm doing for lunch, and my brain won't stop trying to think about this big conceptual "future." Grad school, relationships, where I'll settle down, future career/jobs, how I'll continue to travel, what's most important to me and what isn't, and so on. In some way, it didn't feel like much of a transition from college to Korea. I was so thrust into the unknown and forced to adapt that I didn't have time to think about anything but the present, and I'm glad. Now that I'm settled and have a plan for the immediate future, my mind is playing tricks on me and thinking ahead too far.
I don't think I'll ever move home (sorry, Mom). I've been trying to figure out my aversion to going back to where I started, and I think it's just that I feel like I've grown apart from the people that made home what it was. I miss the family and several friends, but for some reason my brain wants to move past St. Louis as a permanent residence. I feel kind of guilty about it. It's been nagging me lately. Plenty of time to stew over it, I suppose!
My friend Cayla, who I studied abroad with in Rome, was here this week visiting from her semester abroad in Vietnam. It was so great to see a familiar face. It was odd to have a connection to home here. All this time, my two worlds have been so separate. I wouldn't expect anyone at home to know much about here, and I don't know much about what goes on at home besides what I see in the news. Just having someone to show around and to understand life here was really great. It's been a good week on that front.
That's about all I have for now. Have a good weekend.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Setbacks
Well, it's been a rough few days. It could be much worse, but nonetheless rough. I was in a motorcycle accident last Thursday, and I broke my foot. I'm wheel chair bound and starting to go a bit stir crazy. My health insurance has covered nothing, and I'm not sure why. Additionally, I found out that one of my best friend's has had his cancer return, and it's spread to his lungs. I'm missing home, and trying to find ways to stay positive.
It's funny how life works like that, isn't it? It seems like I was writing here just recently about how great life was going, and how it seemed like nothing could go wrong. I'm still so stoked for the job in Rome, but there's certainly been a flood of bad news recently.
One of the bright sides to the bad news is the overwhelming response of support I've received. Between coworkers and folks at home, I've really felt the love, and it's tough to be down on life when you know you're so well-supported. I'm playing a show with my guitar at a small cafe in the city on May 1, and there's lots of fun BBQ adventures coming up (perhaps even trying to smoke a whole hog). I think that's one of the keys when life throws you curveballs; you have to make yourself acutely aware of all the fortune you have in your life. Bad news tends to make the happy things harder to see.
I'm starting to realize just how much my brain lets me go crazy over trivial nonsense. I said something last week that offended a coworker, and although she was very forgiving, I couldn't stop thinking about it for days. I still feel guilty about it. I'm trying to be conscious of the fact that I can make mistakes and move on from them without beating myself up about it. I don't know why my brain wants me to dwell on stupid things I say or do and make them out to be character flaws. I'm trying to do my best, and sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.
I suppose this is a post that's more cathartic for me than anything. I've really felt the distance from home these last few days. My coworkers and friends here have been great, but sometimes you just long for people from home, and I've definitely had some lonely moments. That said, I certainly haven't been neglected here. Between Michael, Johanna, and Kathleen who picked me up from my motorcycle accident when I was in a bit of a shock/panic and helped me calm down before taking me to the hospital, Lucas and Nicole Dines who have been running me all over town and being there for me for whatever I need, Tom Hambley who picked me up some medical supplies, and a bunch of other awesome friends who have just been there for moral support, it's been easy to find myself feeling lucky despite the bad luck. No matter what happens to me, I know I'm one of the luckiest guys around on a daily basis.
Please keep my friend who has been re-diagnosed with cancer in your thoughts, prayers, hopes, good vibes, or whatever else you practice giving to those in need. He's a remarkable human, and he's been like a second father and a brother to me. He's one of the strongest men I know, and if anyone's going to give it a hell of a fight, he is. Thank for reading as always, and have a nice week, everyone.
It's funny how life works like that, isn't it? It seems like I was writing here just recently about how great life was going, and how it seemed like nothing could go wrong. I'm still so stoked for the job in Rome, but there's certainly been a flood of bad news recently.
One of the bright sides to the bad news is the overwhelming response of support I've received. Between coworkers and folks at home, I've really felt the love, and it's tough to be down on life when you know you're so well-supported. I'm playing a show with my guitar at a small cafe in the city on May 1, and there's lots of fun BBQ adventures coming up (perhaps even trying to smoke a whole hog). I think that's one of the keys when life throws you curveballs; you have to make yourself acutely aware of all the fortune you have in your life. Bad news tends to make the happy things harder to see.
I'm starting to realize just how much my brain lets me go crazy over trivial nonsense. I said something last week that offended a coworker, and although she was very forgiving, I couldn't stop thinking about it for days. I still feel guilty about it. I'm trying to be conscious of the fact that I can make mistakes and move on from them without beating myself up about it. I don't know why my brain wants me to dwell on stupid things I say or do and make them out to be character flaws. I'm trying to do my best, and sometimes I just have to remind myself of that.
I suppose this is a post that's more cathartic for me than anything. I've really felt the distance from home these last few days. My coworkers and friends here have been great, but sometimes you just long for people from home, and I've definitely had some lonely moments. That said, I certainly haven't been neglected here. Between Michael, Johanna, and Kathleen who picked me up from my motorcycle accident when I was in a bit of a shock/panic and helped me calm down before taking me to the hospital, Lucas and Nicole Dines who have been running me all over town and being there for me for whatever I need, Tom Hambley who picked me up some medical supplies, and a bunch of other awesome friends who have just been there for moral support, it's been easy to find myself feeling lucky despite the bad luck. No matter what happens to me, I know I'm one of the luckiest guys around on a daily basis.
Please keep my friend who has been re-diagnosed with cancer in your thoughts, prayers, hopes, good vibes, or whatever else you practice giving to those in need. He's a remarkable human, and he's been like a second father and a brother to me. He's one of the strongest men I know, and if anyone's going to give it a hell of a fight, he is. Thank for reading as always, and have a nice week, everyone.
Friday, April 3, 2015
Elation
The last few days have been incomprehensibly incredible. I accepted a job in Rome as a Student Life Assistant at the JFRC for next year. An event I had been planning for several months here in Korea went over incredibly (except for a student's rough injury at the end requiring some stitches, but he's going to be okay!). I had a great night of celebration with one of my best friends here, and today I found out that my sister is engaged! The happiness is overflowing, and it couldn't have come at a better time. It's crazy to me that I only have nine weeks left in Korea, and I'm already starting to feel nostalgic about the people and the places. Things work out for a reason, and this year in Korea has been one of the most formative of my life. I've learned more about myself and the world in these last few months than the rest of my life combined. It's been a glorious ride, and it's far from over. I'm headed to Nepal in May and Australia in June. The weather is getting nice here in Jeju, and beach days are near. There's more to learn, more experiences to be had, and I'm going in with the most peaceful mindset I have had in years. I know that I'm not done with Korea. It's taken a place in my heart, and I will be back someday after I leave for this new adventure.
I'm so lucky. I have been fortunate enough to have so many incredible experiences in my life that many people will never get the opportunity to experience. I have an incredible support system of friends, family, and mentors who treat my success as their own, and it's humbling and uplifting. I called my mom as soon as I found out about the Rome job, and I could hear the happiness to the point of tears in her voice. The amount of messages of congratulations I have received in the last few days has been so awesome. I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face. It just feels like everything is coming together, and I can already see myself thriving in my new position in Rome. Thank you to everyone in my life who has been there for me and helped me get here.
Something I've struggled with this year here is finding meaning in my work. The group of boys I work with is very privileged. Sometimes, going through the motions of everyday life with these boys has felt fruitless because the results are less tangible, but as the year has gone on and I've seen their growth and maturity, I've come to realize my own little role in guiding them along. I'll miss the boys. I think I've taught them a thing or two about the world and how to be better men; I hope so at least. Seeing success with these students, like in the Spring Festival event I organized for this week, has me so excited to be working with college students and hopefully making a difference in their lives.
I'm overjoyed to be going back to Rome and hopefully bringing myself up to fluency in Italian. It really does feel like a homecoming for me. Rome feels so familiar. So many of the things I aspire to in my life were born out of my time studying abroad there. The job is one that's been on my mind since that time, and it's a perfect start to a career in higher education, which is where I think I'm headed. I'm excited to see the familiar faces around the Rome center as well as making friends with the new folks. I have a perfect balance right now of living in the moment, realizing my time here is coming to an end, and joyful anticipation for the future.
Anyway, I suppose that's enough gushing for now. Everything works out for a reason they say, and I've experienced it. I'll be back to the States on June 30, and I want to see everyone before I go. Open up your schedules! Congratulations to my big sis and her fiancée Nick! So happy for you both. Thanks for reading!
I'm so lucky. I have been fortunate enough to have so many incredible experiences in my life that many people will never get the opportunity to experience. I have an incredible support system of friends, family, and mentors who treat my success as their own, and it's humbling and uplifting. I called my mom as soon as I found out about the Rome job, and I could hear the happiness to the point of tears in her voice. The amount of messages of congratulations I have received in the last few days has been so awesome. I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face. It just feels like everything is coming together, and I can already see myself thriving in my new position in Rome. Thank you to everyone in my life who has been there for me and helped me get here.
Something I've struggled with this year here is finding meaning in my work. The group of boys I work with is very privileged. Sometimes, going through the motions of everyday life with these boys has felt fruitless because the results are less tangible, but as the year has gone on and I've seen their growth and maturity, I've come to realize my own little role in guiding them along. I'll miss the boys. I think I've taught them a thing or two about the world and how to be better men; I hope so at least. Seeing success with these students, like in the Spring Festival event I organized for this week, has me so excited to be working with college students and hopefully making a difference in their lives.
I'm overjoyed to be going back to Rome and hopefully bringing myself up to fluency in Italian. It really does feel like a homecoming for me. Rome feels so familiar. So many of the things I aspire to in my life were born out of my time studying abroad there. The job is one that's been on my mind since that time, and it's a perfect start to a career in higher education, which is where I think I'm headed. I'm excited to see the familiar faces around the Rome center as well as making friends with the new folks. I have a perfect balance right now of living in the moment, realizing my time here is coming to an end, and joyful anticipation for the future.
Anyway, I suppose that's enough gushing for now. Everything works out for a reason they say, and I've experienced it. I'll be back to the States on June 30, and I want to see everyone before I go. Open up your schedules! Congratulations to my big sis and her fiancée Nick! So happy for you both. Thanks for reading!
Saturday, March 28, 2015
Roadtrip, etc.
This evening, I returned from a week long Korean adventure. We started in Seoul for a few days, drove to Busan down the east coast of the peninsula, stayed there for a few days, then drove back to Seoul to fly back to Jeju. It was a road trip of epic proportions, on which I was joined by the Michael Chu. I shall now briefly chronicle my experiences.
The trip began last Sunday, March 22, 2015. We thought our flight was scheduled for the late afternoon, so we headed to the airport a few hours early, hoping to grab dinner there. When we arrived and went to check in, the kind and very confused woman behind the Eastarjet counter informed us that our flight was booked from Seoul to Jeju instead of the other, more correct way. The return flight, too, was scheduled for the opposite direction. This began a several hour long emotional, physical, and psychological roller coaster. It reminded me of the stages of grieving you learn in Psychology 101. At first, we just couldn't believe our stupidity, and we laughed quite a bit, and started to consider options to get to Seoul. We put ourselves on standby at a rather hefty price, and waited for an opening on a flight, since all of the flights for the entire night to Seoul were full. We went downstairs to 7/11, bought a beer each, and sat and waited for the first flight. The first flight came and went with no space for us. We then realized that we could be in for a long evening. Both of our moods worsened, and we grew quiet, considering the prospect of spending a night in the Jeju airport. The next flight came, and they had one spot. We considered going separately, but decided to stick together. We were still pretty sour, and we decided to grab some Dunkin Donuts for a snack/energy. This was the first of far too many trips to Dunkin on this trip. The third flight came, and luckily, they had a spot for us! We got our tickets and sprinted to the gate, nabbing two seats next to each other, and finally we were on our way.
It's funny now to think that all of this happened before we even got on our way. We felt a little bit doomed. It seemed like a bad omen for the rest. There were a few more hiccups, but nothing too major. We made it to Seoul and got some Mexican food, had a few drinks, and hit the hay. The following day, we met up with Kathleen and Greta from KIS, as well as Kathleen's friend Tammy. We spent the day and evening with them, which was lots of fun. We went to bed in anticipation of the Demilitarized Zone tour the next day.
It's been several days since the tour, and I'm still processing it. It was unreal in every way. The tour began with the news that there was a large fire in the DMZ, so a portion of the tour had to be cancelled. We missed out on the tunnels built underneath the DMZ as well as one of the observation decks. At first, this seemed like another blow to the trip, but it turned out to be an incredible tour regardless. We began at an observation deck looking over into North Korea. There was several little farming huts along the river, and through the binoculars, we saw some North Korean citizens working in the fields. Michael and I talked quite a bit at this point in the tour about what life could be like for the North Koreans. Those people could easily see the highway across the river. They had to know that not everyone lives like they do. The poverty was pretty noticeable in the rundown and abandoned buildings we could see. It started a day full of a lot of pondering.
We then visited the site of a train bridge that goes through the DMZ into North Korea. There was a train salvaged from the DMZ after the Korean War that was preserved in its original state. It used to run North-South through the whole united peninsula. It was covered in bullet holes and torn to shreds. If that's not a microcosm for the way things turned out, I don't know what is. We then visited the last train station before the North, a completely operational station that is never used. It was kind of eerie to see the same turnstiles and ticket machines you use in Seoul, but to know that they are never used.
The crown jewel of the tour was a trip to the Joint Security Area, the actual line between North and South Korea. We drove to Camp Boniface, the UN base on the South side where US and Korean soldiers were based (I assume as well as others). A soldier came onto our bus and checked all of our passports. He then briefed us on what we would be doing, and reiterated to us that we could only use our cameras when he said so. We drove through the DMZ's defenses: a wall of C4 for blowing up vehicles, barbed wire entrenchments with land mines, and spacious fields farmed by a small village in the DMZ. The village had under 200 inhabitants, and it was only inhabited by those alive at the time of the schism or direct descendants of those people. We drove to the Joint Security Area, and went from the bus into a large glass building. We were put into 2 single file lines and lined up on the inner steps of the building. The soldier told us that we would be under constant surveillance by North Korea when we stepped outside, so we were not to gesture, point, or do anything else that could possibly by used by North Korea as propaganda against the UN Security Forces. We then filed through a set of glass doors to outside.
We were lined up on the steps outside, and suddenly there it was. There were several little blue buildings sitting on the Military Demarcation Line (the MDL, the border between North and South), and the line was clearly visible as a concrete slab. Eight or nine soldiers stood on the South side, and there was one North Korean soldier standing on the stoop of the building on the North side. He seemed very uncomfortable, as he couldn't stand still. The soldier told us that they call him Bob, and it's always him or one other guy on duty there. The South Korean soldiers were the most intimidating humans I have ever seen. They stood in bulldog poses with dark sunglasses, and we were told not to step behind or in front of them. A woman made that mistake, and she was quickly moved back to the side by the soldier. It was the swiftest karate chop movement I have ever seen. The American soldier then informed us that all of the South Korean border guards are blackbelts in either judo or tae kwon do.
We were led into one of the small blue buildings which houses diplomatic discussions between the North and South. There were a few tables, two guards, and a door leading to the North. The MDL passes right through the house, so we technically stood in North Korea when we went to the other side of the building. We stood around for a while and took pictures, were lined up, and led back away. We were then put back on the bus and driven to the site of the ax murder and the bridge of no return. Then we went on the bus and drove back to Seoul. It was all kind of a whirlwind.
The JSA was the most intense thing I have ever been a part of. It felt like at any moment, someone making a wrong move could set off a fire fight. You could feel the tension in the air between North and South, and the American soldier's nonchalant demeanor seemed out of place. I asked him if he felt uneasy taking groups around, and he said no, that it had just become his daily life. It was indescribably surreal and tense. The more I thought about it, the dumber it felt. A stupid concrete slab marking an arbitrary line stands between families, countrymen, and peace. It sparked a lot of thinking, that's for sure.
The following day, we got the car and headed for Busan. The drive along the east coast was beautiful and very relaxing. We jammed out all day and stopped a few times to look at the beach or other random things. We made it to Busan to find that the AirBnB we booked was the penthouse of a swanky apartment complex (the 47th floor), and we lived in style for two days. In Busan, we checked out markets, the beach, and met up with my friend Nick from Loyola who is teaching in Busan. We also ate sannakgi, the most inhumanely disgusting thing I have ever seen. It's octopus sashimi, and it's still moving and writhing and sticking to the plate as you try to eat it. I forced myself to try one bite. Michael ate the whole plate and enjoyed it. Never again.
We drove back up to Seoul, stopping at an awesome cherry blossom festival in the mountains along the way, and spent two days with Kathleen and Tammy, did some shopping, and flew back here to Jeju. It was an incredible trip, and I started to feel some serious anxiety about leaving this country in a few months. The drive was stunning. The people are great. The country is just a good place. I got back to Jeju tonight, and it was clear and warm. The stars were out and the moon was shining brightly. I will definitely miss it here. I suppose that's part of life though. You leave a little piece of your heart in each place you grow accustomed to. I've got a few months left including a trip to Nepal and a trip to Australia, and I intend to make the most of it.
That's about all I have for now. Thanks for reading, folks, and be in touch!
The trip began last Sunday, March 22, 2015. We thought our flight was scheduled for the late afternoon, so we headed to the airport a few hours early, hoping to grab dinner there. When we arrived and went to check in, the kind and very confused woman behind the Eastarjet counter informed us that our flight was booked from Seoul to Jeju instead of the other, more correct way. The return flight, too, was scheduled for the opposite direction. This began a several hour long emotional, physical, and psychological roller coaster. It reminded me of the stages of grieving you learn in Psychology 101. At first, we just couldn't believe our stupidity, and we laughed quite a bit, and started to consider options to get to Seoul. We put ourselves on standby at a rather hefty price, and waited for an opening on a flight, since all of the flights for the entire night to Seoul were full. We went downstairs to 7/11, bought a beer each, and sat and waited for the first flight. The first flight came and went with no space for us. We then realized that we could be in for a long evening. Both of our moods worsened, and we grew quiet, considering the prospect of spending a night in the Jeju airport. The next flight came, and they had one spot. We considered going separately, but decided to stick together. We were still pretty sour, and we decided to grab some Dunkin Donuts for a snack/energy. This was the first of far too many trips to Dunkin on this trip. The third flight came, and luckily, they had a spot for us! We got our tickets and sprinted to the gate, nabbing two seats next to each other, and finally we were on our way.
It's funny now to think that all of this happened before we even got on our way. We felt a little bit doomed. It seemed like a bad omen for the rest. There were a few more hiccups, but nothing too major. We made it to Seoul and got some Mexican food, had a few drinks, and hit the hay. The following day, we met up with Kathleen and Greta from KIS, as well as Kathleen's friend Tammy. We spent the day and evening with them, which was lots of fun. We went to bed in anticipation of the Demilitarized Zone tour the next day.
It's been several days since the tour, and I'm still processing it. It was unreal in every way. The tour began with the news that there was a large fire in the DMZ, so a portion of the tour had to be cancelled. We missed out on the tunnels built underneath the DMZ as well as one of the observation decks. At first, this seemed like another blow to the trip, but it turned out to be an incredible tour regardless. We began at an observation deck looking over into North Korea. There was several little farming huts along the river, and through the binoculars, we saw some North Korean citizens working in the fields. Michael and I talked quite a bit at this point in the tour about what life could be like for the North Koreans. Those people could easily see the highway across the river. They had to know that not everyone lives like they do. The poverty was pretty noticeable in the rundown and abandoned buildings we could see. It started a day full of a lot of pondering.
We then visited the site of a train bridge that goes through the DMZ into North Korea. There was a train salvaged from the DMZ after the Korean War that was preserved in its original state. It used to run North-South through the whole united peninsula. It was covered in bullet holes and torn to shreds. If that's not a microcosm for the way things turned out, I don't know what is. We then visited the last train station before the North, a completely operational station that is never used. It was kind of eerie to see the same turnstiles and ticket machines you use in Seoul, but to know that they are never used.
The crown jewel of the tour was a trip to the Joint Security Area, the actual line between North and South Korea. We drove to Camp Boniface, the UN base on the South side where US and Korean soldiers were based (I assume as well as others). A soldier came onto our bus and checked all of our passports. He then briefed us on what we would be doing, and reiterated to us that we could only use our cameras when he said so. We drove through the DMZ's defenses: a wall of C4 for blowing up vehicles, barbed wire entrenchments with land mines, and spacious fields farmed by a small village in the DMZ. The village had under 200 inhabitants, and it was only inhabited by those alive at the time of the schism or direct descendants of those people. We drove to the Joint Security Area, and went from the bus into a large glass building. We were put into 2 single file lines and lined up on the inner steps of the building. The soldier told us that we would be under constant surveillance by North Korea when we stepped outside, so we were not to gesture, point, or do anything else that could possibly by used by North Korea as propaganda against the UN Security Forces. We then filed through a set of glass doors to outside.
We were lined up on the steps outside, and suddenly there it was. There were several little blue buildings sitting on the Military Demarcation Line (the MDL, the border between North and South), and the line was clearly visible as a concrete slab. Eight or nine soldiers stood on the South side, and there was one North Korean soldier standing on the stoop of the building on the North side. He seemed very uncomfortable, as he couldn't stand still. The soldier told us that they call him Bob, and it's always him or one other guy on duty there. The South Korean soldiers were the most intimidating humans I have ever seen. They stood in bulldog poses with dark sunglasses, and we were told not to step behind or in front of them. A woman made that mistake, and she was quickly moved back to the side by the soldier. It was the swiftest karate chop movement I have ever seen. The American soldier then informed us that all of the South Korean border guards are blackbelts in either judo or tae kwon do.
We were led into one of the small blue buildings which houses diplomatic discussions between the North and South. There were a few tables, two guards, and a door leading to the North. The MDL passes right through the house, so we technically stood in North Korea when we went to the other side of the building. We stood around for a while and took pictures, were lined up, and led back away. We were then put back on the bus and driven to the site of the ax murder and the bridge of no return. Then we went on the bus and drove back to Seoul. It was all kind of a whirlwind.
The JSA was the most intense thing I have ever been a part of. It felt like at any moment, someone making a wrong move could set off a fire fight. You could feel the tension in the air between North and South, and the American soldier's nonchalant demeanor seemed out of place. I asked him if he felt uneasy taking groups around, and he said no, that it had just become his daily life. It was indescribably surreal and tense. The more I thought about it, the dumber it felt. A stupid concrete slab marking an arbitrary line stands between families, countrymen, and peace. It sparked a lot of thinking, that's for sure.
The following day, we got the car and headed for Busan. The drive along the east coast was beautiful and very relaxing. We jammed out all day and stopped a few times to look at the beach or other random things. We made it to Busan to find that the AirBnB we booked was the penthouse of a swanky apartment complex (the 47th floor), and we lived in style for two days. In Busan, we checked out markets, the beach, and met up with my friend Nick from Loyola who is teaching in Busan. We also ate sannakgi, the most inhumanely disgusting thing I have ever seen. It's octopus sashimi, and it's still moving and writhing and sticking to the plate as you try to eat it. I forced myself to try one bite. Michael ate the whole plate and enjoyed it. Never again.
We drove back up to Seoul, stopping at an awesome cherry blossom festival in the mountains along the way, and spent two days with Kathleen and Tammy, did some shopping, and flew back here to Jeju. It was an incredible trip, and I started to feel some serious anxiety about leaving this country in a few months. The drive was stunning. The people are great. The country is just a good place. I got back to Jeju tonight, and it was clear and warm. The stars were out and the moon was shining brightly. I will definitely miss it here. I suppose that's part of life though. You leave a little piece of your heart in each place you grow accustomed to. I've got a few months left including a trip to Nepal and a trip to Australia, and I intend to make the most of it.
That's about all I have for now. Thanks for reading, folks, and be in touch!
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Tokyo, Hiroshima, and Miyajima
Today, I returned from almost a week in Japan, and it was a much needed break from the craziness of working in a middle school! I almost missed my flight this morning because I had the time wrong, and I made it to the gate as boarding was starting. I'm tired as I work my night shift tonight, but it was one of the best weeks I've had in quite a while. I'll summarize some of what I wrote in my journal below.
2/21/15, Tokyo
Tokyo has been a lot of fun with MJ and Ice. We visited the fish market, saw Harajuku street, ate lots of sashimi, and in general just kind of wandered the city. It's been nice having some companionship, but I'm looking forward to the days alone to clear my head and recharge. Last night, I hung out in the hotel bar when we got back and had some long-awaited Blanton's bourbon and bought a box of Cuban cigars. It was a great treat for myself, but not so much for my wallet.
2/22/15, Hiroshima
What a surreal day. The photos of charred bodies and shadows of people literally vaporized into thin air were too much to handle. Photos of fat dripping off of people's fingers as they melted and blood boiling up under the skin of people unfortunate enough to survive for only a few hours or days after the explosion. Radiation still killing people decades later. I wonder if the rest of the world thinks Truman is a war criminal. I'm sure the Japanese do. How could they not? I am certainly thinking that right now. Not to say that Japan didn't do their own messed up stuff in World War II, but I've never seen anything quite like this. Just complete and utter disregard for other humans. It's so sad that it's been reduced to a number, and more so how insane that number is. It was striking to see all the photos of the dead at the exhibit. It was 150,000 people instantly dying, but it was 150,000 individuals. They had mothers, fathers, siblings. They had friends. They played games and liked music. It's so sad to think of all they could have been, but instead we wiped out a whole city (two really) of civilians, and tried to claim it was justified. I think this day has been pretty life-changing.
2/23/15, Miyajima
I'd seen photos of the floating torii before, but I didn't know it was accessible from Hiroshima. Thankful I found out! I went with Alexis, a traveling Italian, Seamus, an Irishman, and a Korean girl whose name I butchered all day. You'd think after half a year living here, I would have pronunciation down for names. She was kind about it though, and she appreciated that I knew any Korean at all. That's one of the things I love about staying in hostels. It's a blast to meet random people and bop around with them. We climbed Mt. Misen and had a really cool view of the coast from the island. It was a tough hike, but well worth it. Then we took the cable car down and enjoyed a small dinner. I had a weird moment in the Miyajima train station today. It was like a split second where it hit me how lucky I am and how unreal it was that I was in Hiroshima. Everyone learns about it, but how many people are fortunate enough to go? I felt sure of myself, which felt good. It was like a weird butterfly in my stomach that came and went quickly.
2/24/15, Tokyo
I had the same feeling today where I realized how ridiculous it was that I was walking the streets of Tokyo amidst beautiful temples and cherry trees. I passed on going up in the SkyTree because it was so expensive. It was too early to see cherry blossoms, but I saw the buds, so I guess that counts for something, right? It occurred to me that I've developed Asian eating habits as I slurped my noodles with freight train volume and ferocity tonight. I'll have to reign that in if I ever want to eat Chinese food in the States around other humans. I really like the symbol of paper cranes from the exhibit at Hiroshima. The Sadako Sasaki story is pretty cool. Maybe a paper crane tattoo? Back to work tomorrow. Going to be a ridiculously long day, and back to workplace drama and all of that jazz. Only a short while 'til spring break!
It was an incredible trip! Pictures are up on Facebook. Thanks for reading.
2/21/15, Tokyo
Tokyo has been a lot of fun with MJ and Ice. We visited the fish market, saw Harajuku street, ate lots of sashimi, and in general just kind of wandered the city. It's been nice having some companionship, but I'm looking forward to the days alone to clear my head and recharge. Last night, I hung out in the hotel bar when we got back and had some long-awaited Blanton's bourbon and bought a box of Cuban cigars. It was a great treat for myself, but not so much for my wallet.
2/22/15, Hiroshima
What a surreal day. The photos of charred bodies and shadows of people literally vaporized into thin air were too much to handle. Photos of fat dripping off of people's fingers as they melted and blood boiling up under the skin of people unfortunate enough to survive for only a few hours or days after the explosion. Radiation still killing people decades later. I wonder if the rest of the world thinks Truman is a war criminal. I'm sure the Japanese do. How could they not? I am certainly thinking that right now. Not to say that Japan didn't do their own messed up stuff in World War II, but I've never seen anything quite like this. Just complete and utter disregard for other humans. It's so sad that it's been reduced to a number, and more so how insane that number is. It was striking to see all the photos of the dead at the exhibit. It was 150,000 people instantly dying, but it was 150,000 individuals. They had mothers, fathers, siblings. They had friends. They played games and liked music. It's so sad to think of all they could have been, but instead we wiped out a whole city (two really) of civilians, and tried to claim it was justified. I think this day has been pretty life-changing.
2/23/15, Miyajima
I'd seen photos of the floating torii before, but I didn't know it was accessible from Hiroshima. Thankful I found out! I went with Alexis, a traveling Italian, Seamus, an Irishman, and a Korean girl whose name I butchered all day. You'd think after half a year living here, I would have pronunciation down for names. She was kind about it though, and she appreciated that I knew any Korean at all. That's one of the things I love about staying in hostels. It's a blast to meet random people and bop around with them. We climbed Mt. Misen and had a really cool view of the coast from the island. It was a tough hike, but well worth it. Then we took the cable car down and enjoyed a small dinner. I had a weird moment in the Miyajima train station today. It was like a split second where it hit me how lucky I am and how unreal it was that I was in Hiroshima. Everyone learns about it, but how many people are fortunate enough to go? I felt sure of myself, which felt good. It was like a weird butterfly in my stomach that came and went quickly.
2/24/15, Tokyo
I had the same feeling today where I realized how ridiculous it was that I was walking the streets of Tokyo amidst beautiful temples and cherry trees. I passed on going up in the SkyTree because it was so expensive. It was too early to see cherry blossoms, but I saw the buds, so I guess that counts for something, right? It occurred to me that I've developed Asian eating habits as I slurped my noodles with freight train volume and ferocity tonight. I'll have to reign that in if I ever want to eat Chinese food in the States around other humans. I really like the symbol of paper cranes from the exhibit at Hiroshima. The Sadako Sasaki story is pretty cool. Maybe a paper crane tattoo? Back to work tomorrow. Going to be a ridiculously long day, and back to workplace drama and all of that jazz. Only a short while 'til spring break!
It was an incredible trip! Pictures are up on Facebook. Thanks for reading.
Monday, February 9, 2015
고생 끝에 낙이 온다
고생 끝에 낙이 온다
"After troubles comes happiness," or that's the extent of it, I suppose. It's been a rough few weeks since Christmas break with the boys, to say the least. It really felt like things spiraled out of control, and the boys showed me how capable they are of trying my patience. Changes have been made, and it seems like as far as the job, things are on the upswing. I like that proverb a lot, and it seems like that's kind of been the theme for me for a while now.Suffice to say, I'm happy. The island is still freezing, much to my dismay, but I'm still in the same personal groove I found when I got back to Korea. I get off campus often to read and write, and I'm trying to enjoy the beauty of the island. I'm going to Japan in about a week, and I just booked a trip to Nepal for May. All is well here.
I've been having a lot of Skype and FaceTime sessions, and I've got a few pen pals at this point. The contact with home has been really nice, and I feel missed, which is really uplifting to feel. I miss everyone a lot, too, wholeheartedly, and talking to people from home really makes my days. Time is going by more quickly than ever, and I'm certain it will only continue to go by faster.
I'm certain now that I'll miss it here when I'm gone. Despite all previous admissions, due to some administrative difficulties, it's beginning to look like my tenure in Korea will end in June. That's not to say I've made a decision, but it's most likely that I won't be back. It's kind of out of my control, but I'm really not all that sad. On to something different. It's crazy the change that's occurred in my brain in a short few months. Not knowing isn't nearly as terrifying as it was coming out of college. I don't wonder every day and let it nag at me constantly. I'm working to figure out what I'm going to be doing in the coming year, but that's just it. It's not going to go any faster or be any more efficient if I'm constantly worrying about it.
Baseball season is drawing near, and I'm as excited as ever. Pitchers and catchers report in 10 days. I'm already dreaming of being home and having a hot dog at the ballpark. I'm going to have to force myself to watch the games delayed and get out when the weather starts to get nice! Getting my boys out to play some baseball on the weekends should start happening. I hope the Cardinals have an open spot at Spring Training come 2016. I'll be ready.
I can already feel the time dwindling. It won't be long before I'm on a plane to Japan, to the DMZ, to Nepal, and finally home. It's a lot of activity for a few months, but I've never lacked in the scheduling department. I wonder when my body will catch up with my desire to keep doing things. My knee already slows me down a bit, but I figure I can keep doing twenty hour itineraries for flights at least until I'm 75 right? Especially with advanced medical technology. I guess we'll see.
That's all I've got for now. Thanks for reading, as always.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Setting Goals and Climbing Mountains
I just left my refrigerator door open for several hours after buying groceries. I fear my food is spoiled. What an end to the day!
Today was a sore one. I woke up at 1pm, and my whole body ached with a pain unfelt since I ran a marathon a few years back. My knees, my abs, my back, my quads, and just about everywhere else screamed at me to not roll over and get out of bed. The reason for this terrible pain, is that yesterday, I climbed the tallest mountain in South Korea, Hallasan, or Mount Halla in English.
Michael Chu and I have been talking about summiting the mountain for a while now, but the timing never worked out until this Monday. We borrowed some crampons anticipating ice at the top, but both of us underestimated what we were in for. It ended up being a 13 mile hike when it was all said and done. The first couple of miles in the morning starting at 6:30AM were relatively easy. It was a slight incline, and we rolled along at a solid pace. The incline got progressively higher though, and by the time we reached "base camp," we had been going pretty straight up for a while. The last 45 minutes of the hike up were the most brutal though. We battled a snowstorm as we reached the summit of the mountain, fighting gale force winds, ice, and snow. We joked later about how truly frightening the experience had been. You could see a long way down off the side of the mountain as we climbed, and all of the trail markers were buried in snow. The only thing holding us to the mountain was our crampons, and we had to stop and brace ourselves with each blow of the wind. When we finally reached the summit, we didn't want to stay long. It was so unbearably cold that we were losing feeling in our fingers and toes. We took some pictures and video and hightailed it back to warmer, thicker air.
Climbing the mountain was so worth today's pain, and it was an unforgettable experience. Today, as I downed Advil and wished I was dead, I realized that there was a really important reality and metaphor that came with climbing the mountain. The fact is that climbing a mountain gives you a goal. It gives you something to strive for. If I compare climbing Halla to doing the same 13 mile workout on a stair-stepping machine in the gym, I know I would not have been able to do it. Setting a goal for myself was the only reason I was able to push through and get it done. It was the same with running the marathon. I wouldn't just go out and run 26 miles on my own if there wasn't a clear goal in mind. I find that this sort of mentality is important in all that I do.
I wouldn't get anything done if I didn't set the goals for myself, and I realize how important it is for me to keep my eye on the prize. Keeping my eye on the prize is what allows me to take joy in the process. Knowing I was heading towards the summit of the mountain was the reason that I wasn't crying in pain the entire way up and down. It was an enjoyable time the whole time, not just the few minutes we were at the top. If the goal is to clean my room, the prize is the clean room. If the goal is to fill out all of the applications and apply to grad schools, the prize is getting into a school. It seems so simple, but I think I needed a reminder that I need to be conscious of why I do the things I do.
Anyway, tonight I tried making my first mustard-based barbecue sauce, and I fear it came out with too strong of a mustard flavor. I'll need to come up with some ideas to try to counteract that next time, I suppose. Tomorrow is back to the work grind! I just found out that my dear friend Cayla Turain, who is studying in Vietnam for the semester, is going to try to come visit Jeju in a few weeks! She was a freshman when I studied abroad in Rome, and it's crazy to think we will be abroad together again. Time to start planning places to take her!
I heard from my dear old friend Conor Duncan today, and that also did wonders for making this a good week. If anyone has any desire to write letters or emails, let me know, because I love communicating via both! We've had some issues with disrespect towards the staff with our eighth graders in the last few weeks, and I think the big project for this week is getting that under control. So, it should be a busy one. I wish you the best of weeks.
-Ryan
Today was a sore one. I woke up at 1pm, and my whole body ached with a pain unfelt since I ran a marathon a few years back. My knees, my abs, my back, my quads, and just about everywhere else screamed at me to not roll over and get out of bed. The reason for this terrible pain, is that yesterday, I climbed the tallest mountain in South Korea, Hallasan, or Mount Halla in English.
Michael Chu and I have been talking about summiting the mountain for a while now, but the timing never worked out until this Monday. We borrowed some crampons anticipating ice at the top, but both of us underestimated what we were in for. It ended up being a 13 mile hike when it was all said and done. The first couple of miles in the morning starting at 6:30AM were relatively easy. It was a slight incline, and we rolled along at a solid pace. The incline got progressively higher though, and by the time we reached "base camp," we had been going pretty straight up for a while. The last 45 minutes of the hike up were the most brutal though. We battled a snowstorm as we reached the summit of the mountain, fighting gale force winds, ice, and snow. We joked later about how truly frightening the experience had been. You could see a long way down off the side of the mountain as we climbed, and all of the trail markers were buried in snow. The only thing holding us to the mountain was our crampons, and we had to stop and brace ourselves with each blow of the wind. When we finally reached the summit, we didn't want to stay long. It was so unbearably cold that we were losing feeling in our fingers and toes. We took some pictures and video and hightailed it back to warmer, thicker air.
Climbing the mountain was so worth today's pain, and it was an unforgettable experience. Today, as I downed Advil and wished I was dead, I realized that there was a really important reality and metaphor that came with climbing the mountain. The fact is that climbing a mountain gives you a goal. It gives you something to strive for. If I compare climbing Halla to doing the same 13 mile workout on a stair-stepping machine in the gym, I know I would not have been able to do it. Setting a goal for myself was the only reason I was able to push through and get it done. It was the same with running the marathon. I wouldn't just go out and run 26 miles on my own if there wasn't a clear goal in mind. I find that this sort of mentality is important in all that I do.
I wouldn't get anything done if I didn't set the goals for myself, and I realize how important it is for me to keep my eye on the prize. Keeping my eye on the prize is what allows me to take joy in the process. Knowing I was heading towards the summit of the mountain was the reason that I wasn't crying in pain the entire way up and down. It was an enjoyable time the whole time, not just the few minutes we were at the top. If the goal is to clean my room, the prize is the clean room. If the goal is to fill out all of the applications and apply to grad schools, the prize is getting into a school. It seems so simple, but I think I needed a reminder that I need to be conscious of why I do the things I do.
Anyway, tonight I tried making my first mustard-based barbecue sauce, and I fear it came out with too strong of a mustard flavor. I'll need to come up with some ideas to try to counteract that next time, I suppose. Tomorrow is back to the work grind! I just found out that my dear friend Cayla Turain, who is studying in Vietnam for the semester, is going to try to come visit Jeju in a few weeks! She was a freshman when I studied abroad in Rome, and it's crazy to think we will be abroad together again. Time to start planning places to take her!
I heard from my dear old friend Conor Duncan today, and that also did wonders for making this a good week. If anyone has any desire to write letters or emails, let me know, because I love communicating via both! We've had some issues with disrespect towards the staff with our eighth graders in the last few weeks, and I think the big project for this week is getting that under control. So, it should be a busy one. I wish you the best of weeks.
-Ryan
Monday, January 12, 2015
Time and Solitude
It's been kind of a thoughtful day for me, and I figured it would be remiss if I didn't write some of the thoughts down.
First, time. Recently, my workouts have consisted of a lot of interval work. For instance, today I did 2 minutes of low resistance high speed, 2 minutes of high resistance and as high as possible speed, for an hour on a bike. Same thing with running a few days ago (as much as the knee will permit!). 2 minutes sprint, 2 minutes light jog.
One of the things I've noticed as I do these types of workouts is that the easy portion always flies by, and the hard portion always drags on and takes forever. I think life is kind of like that sometimes. It's tough for us to really revel in our good times because we're in the moment, but when something bad happens, we really want it to be over, so it seems like it takes forever. I wish there was a way to rewire that part of our brains to make it the opposite, eh? I'll come back to another story about timing after I discuss something else briefly: solitude.
My mom has laughed at me a few times because something I like to do every once in a while is see a movie by myself. Tonight was one of those nights when I felt like I needed to get away, process the recent events of my life, and be alone. I think these types of nights are essential to my functioning as a human being. Reflection is something that often goes undone in today's world. We're a society of constantly doing and doing but never stopping to smell the roses. Alone time is like a battery recharge for my patience and character. I wouldn't be who I am daily without it.
Anyway, I went to see Unbroken, and I rode my motorcycle 45 minutes each way in the freezing cold Korean night to do it. I left campus at 9, and it was chilly, and I was cold, but I knew the way back would be worse. I had brought some hand warmers, and after the movie was over, I heated them up, stuck them in my gloves, and got to riding.
By the time I got home, I couldn't feel my fingers, my legs were tingly, and my toes were near frozen. The stupid hand warmers didn't help much. As I hopped off my motorcycle, all I could think about was getting back to my warm room. I raced up to the door of my building, got almost all the way to my room, and then had an "oh, shit" moment. I'd left the keys in my motorcycle. After a fair amount of cursing under my breath, I went back outside to retrieve them.
To my surprise, it wasn't so cold outside (the wind whipping at 90km/h on a motorcycle apparently makes things colder). As soon as I stepped back out, I noticed a star-filled sky, so clear that every few seconds I was seeing a shooting star or a bright star blinking wildly. I walked slowly down to my motorcycle, neck craned toward the sky, got my keys, and meandered back to the dorm. I was pretty glad I had forgotten my keys.
When I got to my room, I thought to myself, man, isn't timing everything? Sometimes life just works out the way it needs to. Sometimes the universe knows you need to notice the spotlessly starry night, so it makes you an airhead, and then you forget your keys. Sometimes you think you have a plan, but screw your plans. Get ready for life to change them. Just because you're dealt a bad hand doesn't mean you can't play it a certain way. Making plans is a necessary life strategy, but if you can't adapt and figure things out when they go sour, you're stuck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a raft surrounded by sharks and enemies without food or water (shameless Unbroken reference). And like I said before, when things go sour, like finding yourself on that raft, it tends to last longer rather than shorter. Your brain pays more attention when things go bad. I think the happy people are the most adaptable ones.
I have been happy with my adaption to Korea. Sure, things didn't go as planned, but thank God, or I wouldn't have been there tonight to see those stars. I am not being sarcastic. Life finds a funny way of putting you where you need to be when you need to be there, whether it's your dream or not. We'll see where my next dream takes me.
Also, random, it occurred to me that our bodies need carbs before we workout and protein after perhaps for evolutionary reasons. Like when our ancestors were nomads, what they could gather (berries, nuts, other carbs) was their energy for the hunt, and if they were subsistence hunting or on a long track, they would need that energy, but when they killed the animal, that meal was obviously protein filled. I'm sure this brilliant epiphany is written somewhere by some famous scholar, but I thought about it while I was showering this morning. I digress.
That's been my day. Grocery shopping, Indian food, relaxing, cooking, sending a letter to my dear friend Mary Whitmore (who has become quite the best pen pal), and then the movie/motorcycle/starry night extravaganza. Life is good.
I miss you all at home. I'll catch you on another time.
-Ryan
First, time. Recently, my workouts have consisted of a lot of interval work. For instance, today I did 2 minutes of low resistance high speed, 2 minutes of high resistance and as high as possible speed, for an hour on a bike. Same thing with running a few days ago (as much as the knee will permit!). 2 minutes sprint, 2 minutes light jog.
One of the things I've noticed as I do these types of workouts is that the easy portion always flies by, and the hard portion always drags on and takes forever. I think life is kind of like that sometimes. It's tough for us to really revel in our good times because we're in the moment, but when something bad happens, we really want it to be over, so it seems like it takes forever. I wish there was a way to rewire that part of our brains to make it the opposite, eh? I'll come back to another story about timing after I discuss something else briefly: solitude.
My mom has laughed at me a few times because something I like to do every once in a while is see a movie by myself. Tonight was one of those nights when I felt like I needed to get away, process the recent events of my life, and be alone. I think these types of nights are essential to my functioning as a human being. Reflection is something that often goes undone in today's world. We're a society of constantly doing and doing but never stopping to smell the roses. Alone time is like a battery recharge for my patience and character. I wouldn't be who I am daily without it.
Anyway, I went to see Unbroken, and I rode my motorcycle 45 minutes each way in the freezing cold Korean night to do it. I left campus at 9, and it was chilly, and I was cold, but I knew the way back would be worse. I had brought some hand warmers, and after the movie was over, I heated them up, stuck them in my gloves, and got to riding.
By the time I got home, I couldn't feel my fingers, my legs were tingly, and my toes were near frozen. The stupid hand warmers didn't help much. As I hopped off my motorcycle, all I could think about was getting back to my warm room. I raced up to the door of my building, got almost all the way to my room, and then had an "oh, shit" moment. I'd left the keys in my motorcycle. After a fair amount of cursing under my breath, I went back outside to retrieve them.
To my surprise, it wasn't so cold outside (the wind whipping at 90km/h on a motorcycle apparently makes things colder). As soon as I stepped back out, I noticed a star-filled sky, so clear that every few seconds I was seeing a shooting star or a bright star blinking wildly. I walked slowly down to my motorcycle, neck craned toward the sky, got my keys, and meandered back to the dorm. I was pretty glad I had forgotten my keys.
When I got to my room, I thought to myself, man, isn't timing everything? Sometimes life just works out the way it needs to. Sometimes the universe knows you need to notice the spotlessly starry night, so it makes you an airhead, and then you forget your keys. Sometimes you think you have a plan, but screw your plans. Get ready for life to change them. Just because you're dealt a bad hand doesn't mean you can't play it a certain way. Making plans is a necessary life strategy, but if you can't adapt and figure things out when they go sour, you're stuck in the middle of the Pacific Ocean on a raft surrounded by sharks and enemies without food or water (shameless Unbroken reference). And like I said before, when things go sour, like finding yourself on that raft, it tends to last longer rather than shorter. Your brain pays more attention when things go bad. I think the happy people are the most adaptable ones.
I have been happy with my adaption to Korea. Sure, things didn't go as planned, but thank God, or I wouldn't have been there tonight to see those stars. I am not being sarcastic. Life finds a funny way of putting you where you need to be when you need to be there, whether it's your dream or not. We'll see where my next dream takes me.
Also, random, it occurred to me that our bodies need carbs before we workout and protein after perhaps for evolutionary reasons. Like when our ancestors were nomads, what they could gather (berries, nuts, other carbs) was their energy for the hunt, and if they were subsistence hunting or on a long track, they would need that energy, but when they killed the animal, that meal was obviously protein filled. I'm sure this brilliant epiphany is written somewhere by some famous scholar, but I thought about it while I was showering this morning. I digress.
That's been my day. Grocery shopping, Indian food, relaxing, cooking, sending a letter to my dear friend Mary Whitmore (who has become quite the best pen pal), and then the movie/motorcycle/starry night extravaganza. Life is good.
I miss you all at home. I'll catch you on another time.
-Ryan
Friday, January 2, 2015
2014: A Year of Growth and Change
Hello dear compadres!
Happy New Year! Currently writing from my living room in St. Louis, and it's incredibly weird to me that I was in Korea a week and a half ago, and I will be back in Korea in 3 days. A ton of travel! Twenty-something hours on planes each way, and I have to work as soon as I get back. I hope the kids are feeling merciful. It's been an incredible trip home. I got to see my cousins Liz and Catherine in Los Angeles on a long layover, as well as my old friend Joel Schmidt who I haven't seen in at least three or four years. That was a great start. Then, I got back to St. Louis to see my family, went to Chicago for a few days to see my Beazley family, Brad and Kim Zandstra, and countless other friends. Now, all of my friends are in St. Louis for Alex's wedding, and it's been a few amazing days of catching up. I am loving home, but in a way, I'm also excited to get back to Korea after the beautiful wedding celebration tomorrow. As the year has wrapped up, I wanted to take some time to reflect and look forward.
2014 started much like this year has. I got to see some great friends on New Years, including my dear Laura Welp, and it was a blast. Last year, I couldn't wait to get back to Loyola to finish up my last semester and enjoy the final stanza with my friends. The year was one of lots of ups and downs. The spring was truly one of the best of my life, and I felt like I grew and learned a lot about myself and what I want out of myself, others, and life in general. I had a pretty concrete plan for life after college. I was pretty confident I would get hired for a job in Rome; I was relatively ready to try to make a long-distance relationship work; I was way overly confident in just about everything I imagined would happen to the point of naivety.
To make a long story short, in a matter of a week, I didn't get the job and had a break up. I hit a low in the next few weeks after that, and I kind of felt like the floor was pulled out from under me in one of the most important transition periods of my life. I remember saying to Alex that I felt like my foundation for the future was pulled and that I felt lost.
At the beginning of June, Mikey and I left for a month-long trip to Europe, and the day before I left, I found out I would be taking a job in South Korea beginning in the fall. As I rushed to get my documents in order for Korea, I hopped on a plane with Mikey, and suddenly my life had the pace and direction back that I needed. The good times I had with Mikey brought me back up, and the fear and anticipation of Korea made me both ecstatic and completely crazy at the same time. I had no idea what to expect, and I was proud of myself for taking the leap into the unknown.
The first semester of Korea has been filled with ups and downs also, but overall, it's been really incredible. The island is gorgeous. I've made great friends. The job is good (besides when the boys drive me insane). I've traveled to Seoul, Hong Kong, and U-do Island. I've accomplished all I want to and more. I've missed home like never before, and for the first time, I really feel like I'm a whole world away. I've learned how to be more independent. I've learned how to move on and move forward at the same time instead of dwelling in my defeats. I've truly felt the importance of family and friends in a sense much deeper than I've ever known before.
I return to Korea hopeful. I decide in the next few weeks if I go back for another year, and I've decided I'd like to if the school will give me the opportunity. My last few days in the States will be well spent, witnessing the marriage of the two people who are more in love than anyone else I've ever seen, two of my best friends. I'm truly honored to stand next to Alex as her marries the love of his life, and I'd have traveled home three times for it if I had to.
2014, there were days I thought you would stand as a reminder of defeat. You taught me that control of my life lies with no one but me, and turned out to be one of the best years yet. 2015, you've got a lot to live up to.
Finally, my New Years resolutions, because if you put them in writing on the Internet, you have to fulfill them:
1. Lose 40 pounds by the beginning of school next year.
2. Do more nice things for people for no reason.
3. Maintain the relationships that matter, no matter where I am in the world.
4. Prioritize what's important, and treat it as such.
5. Uphold my own ideals. Love, forgive, and listen to others.
Thanks for being the best, folks. Happy New Year.
Happy New Year! Currently writing from my living room in St. Louis, and it's incredibly weird to me that I was in Korea a week and a half ago, and I will be back in Korea in 3 days. A ton of travel! Twenty-something hours on planes each way, and I have to work as soon as I get back. I hope the kids are feeling merciful. It's been an incredible trip home. I got to see my cousins Liz and Catherine in Los Angeles on a long layover, as well as my old friend Joel Schmidt who I haven't seen in at least three or four years. That was a great start. Then, I got back to St. Louis to see my family, went to Chicago for a few days to see my Beazley family, Brad and Kim Zandstra, and countless other friends. Now, all of my friends are in St. Louis for Alex's wedding, and it's been a few amazing days of catching up. I am loving home, but in a way, I'm also excited to get back to Korea after the beautiful wedding celebration tomorrow. As the year has wrapped up, I wanted to take some time to reflect and look forward.
2014 started much like this year has. I got to see some great friends on New Years, including my dear Laura Welp, and it was a blast. Last year, I couldn't wait to get back to Loyola to finish up my last semester and enjoy the final stanza with my friends. The year was one of lots of ups and downs. The spring was truly one of the best of my life, and I felt like I grew and learned a lot about myself and what I want out of myself, others, and life in general. I had a pretty concrete plan for life after college. I was pretty confident I would get hired for a job in Rome; I was relatively ready to try to make a long-distance relationship work; I was way overly confident in just about everything I imagined would happen to the point of naivety.
To make a long story short, in a matter of a week, I didn't get the job and had a break up. I hit a low in the next few weeks after that, and I kind of felt like the floor was pulled out from under me in one of the most important transition periods of my life. I remember saying to Alex that I felt like my foundation for the future was pulled and that I felt lost.
At the beginning of June, Mikey and I left for a month-long trip to Europe, and the day before I left, I found out I would be taking a job in South Korea beginning in the fall. As I rushed to get my documents in order for Korea, I hopped on a plane with Mikey, and suddenly my life had the pace and direction back that I needed. The good times I had with Mikey brought me back up, and the fear and anticipation of Korea made me both ecstatic and completely crazy at the same time. I had no idea what to expect, and I was proud of myself for taking the leap into the unknown.
The first semester of Korea has been filled with ups and downs also, but overall, it's been really incredible. The island is gorgeous. I've made great friends. The job is good (besides when the boys drive me insane). I've traveled to Seoul, Hong Kong, and U-do Island. I've accomplished all I want to and more. I've missed home like never before, and for the first time, I really feel like I'm a whole world away. I've learned how to be more independent. I've learned how to move on and move forward at the same time instead of dwelling in my defeats. I've truly felt the importance of family and friends in a sense much deeper than I've ever known before.
I return to Korea hopeful. I decide in the next few weeks if I go back for another year, and I've decided I'd like to if the school will give me the opportunity. My last few days in the States will be well spent, witnessing the marriage of the two people who are more in love than anyone else I've ever seen, two of my best friends. I'm truly honored to stand next to Alex as her marries the love of his life, and I'd have traveled home three times for it if I had to.
2014, there were days I thought you would stand as a reminder of defeat. You taught me that control of my life lies with no one but me, and turned out to be one of the best years yet. 2015, you've got a lot to live up to.
Finally, my New Years resolutions, because if you put them in writing on the Internet, you have to fulfill them:
1. Lose 40 pounds by the beginning of school next year.
2. Do more nice things for people for no reason.
3. Maintain the relationships that matter, no matter where I am in the world.
4. Prioritize what's important, and treat it as such.
5. Uphold my own ideals. Love, forgive, and listen to others.
Thanks for being the best, folks. Happy New Year.
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