Friday, October 30, 2015

Role Models

Alas, campus is near silent as the students have all left for their weekend trips. It makes me feel like such an old man to value the sweet, sweet silence that the weekend brings. Part of me misses being a student and traveling every weekend, but the other part of me realizes how much I've changed in the four years since I was a student here in Rome. I look at my students and see shades of myself. I remember those days fondly, but I certainly wasn't the most mature guy back then. It's been an interesting form of reflection to see the decisions my students make, the way they interact with one another, and the way they treat me, and then to realize the similarities to back then and the transformation that has occurred since.

Part of the change comes from the four years I've had of learning from truly incredible people. Here in Rome, I met people like the Beazleys and Sander Evers. In knowing those folks alone I've grown immensely, and they've changed the course of my life. I've gotten to spend time with people like Brad Zandstra, who has taught me more about resilience, strength, and kindness than anyone I know. I have a much better understanding of what love means and what I'm looking for in a woman because of friends like Alex and Anna Boesch, whose wedding I was fortunate enough to participate in; it's impossible to see them and not want the kind of love and commitment they have. I know what kind of a man I want to be because of the utter selflessness, empathy, and drive of guys like Mikey Dienstbach, Nic Herrmann, Alex Boesch, and Brian Befaro. I've realized what it means to be a loving and committed friend because of people like Kelly Cahalin, who's been by my side for almost half of my life, and who would do anything for me (and I for her!). My group of friends from Chicago has taught me what it means to miss people, and I definitely am missing you all. I got to see what hard work and integrity looks like in Lucas and Nicole Dines.

I've been so fortunate in the last 4 years. I've traveled all over the world. I've done things most people will never get to do. It hit me the other day in my interactions with students that I am who I am and I do what I do because of the people I've met and surrounded myself with. I want to be that role model for students either professionally or personally. I want them to see me being a man of integrity and then want to do so themselves. I want them to see me working hard so they want to do so themselves. In a way, it's a lot of pressure. I soaked up so much between now and when I was a student from people who had done it all before and helped me along the path. I'd like to pay it forward, and also I don't want to let people down who have helped get me so far.

There's something to be said for independence. You shouldn't need to go to your mom's every time you need your laundry done. Being independent is great, and I think I'm good at it, but in realizing my dependencies and my fortune in the people who have been an example to me, I've realized a new meaning for independence. I don't quite know what the meaning is, but it doesn't involve me being able to do everything on my own.

So, up until this point, I suppose this can be considered a long, rambling thank you note. I haven't taken the appropriate amount of time to thank everyone in my life. I'm not Ryan Bedell without you all. I hope someday the people I interact with can say that I changed them for the better, whether it's students or peers. I hope that through what I've taken from others, people can look to me as an example of something, whatever it may be. It's a tough question to pose to yourself: what do you have to offer to others? It's easy to get caught up in overthinking the answer, too. I've never met someone who didn't have something to offer. Whether it be a harsh criticism that makes me realize that not everyone will always like me, or an act of generosity that makes me have faith in the world, everyone shapes my experience, and I've been lucky to do a whole lot of learning these last four years.

So that's what I leave with, wondering what I can offer and what kind of role model I can be, wondering if I can live up to expectations and the amount of goodness that has been given to me. I have faith in myself, which definitely isn't something I could've said four years ago. Goal for the future: continue to embrace growth and foster it in others.

From Rome with love and gratitude,
Ryan

Friday, October 2, 2015

Positivity

Being back at where I studied abroad has afforded me somewhat of a unique opportunity for reflection. When I look at Rome and some of the situations I encounter here, it's hard not to think about the person I was four years ago and the person I am now. I often find myself feeling like my students are very young, but in the grand scheme of things, four years isn't so much of an age difference. I've been trying to figure out what exactly has changed in such a short time, and while my immediate response is, "Well, everything has changed," I think I'm able to boil it all down to one word: positivity.

When I was a student here at twenty, I think I was probably pretty difficult to be around. Not that I'm not sometimes now, but I think I was a lot more self-centered and a lot quicker to judge back then. Everything was negative to me. I can think of several specific instances as a student where I would get upset about things just for the sake of doing it. It seemed like the world was crashing down at the tiniest little problem, and I just wasn't ready to handle it. Now, I see similar attributes in some of my students. They're lost, and everything is amplified here. Everything is negative, and drama from home is creeping through the Internet to ruin their day.

Truthfully, I didn't much like myself then. I definitely hurt some people, and I can look back now and think of how foolish I was. I was seeking out the fault in people instead of trying to find the good. I was looking at adverse situations and instead of trying to repair them, I was selling $50 tickets to the pity party, and there weren't many takers. I don't know if it was some sort of defense mechanism, trying not to get hurt by keeping distance from people or something, but I remember very vividly writing people off over the most trivial things. It must've taken a lot of walking on top of a lot of good people to get me all the way up to my high horse.

I'm not saying I'm perfect now, but I'm a whole lot happier, and being back here in Rome sure has made me realize just how much I've changed. I try to find the best in everyone. I try to be as positive as I can, and I have so many great role models of positivity around me and all over the globe. Conversely, my tolerance for drama and negativity is at an all time low. It's just not something I want to be a part of my life. To be honest, Korea had its fair share of really negative situations, and I've done a good job of holding on to the positive growth I encountered there and carrying it here with me. I'm more adept at handling conflict, and I've done a lot of conflict handling in the first few months here while still maintaining my sanity and my positivity. It takes effort to try to remain positive sometimes, but it's the course I want to take, and realizing how fortunate I am to be here doing what I'm doing is often the first step.

I don't know if I'll ever be the type of person who always has a smile on their face. I look up to those people because they're a good reminder for me. There's rarely a good reason to let your day be ruined. I need to work still on ridding myself of complaining. It's so hard sometimes (see what I did there?). I'm not saying it's good to keep real things bottled up, especially not for me, but in the grand scheme of things, most of what I have to complain about is only a complaint because of a lack of positive outlook. For instance, today I realized I have to individually check-in and print 56 tickets for my upcoming study trip to Greece. My instinct was to say, "Really? That sucks so much." As the day went on, I saw a coworker's post about suffering refugees and another friend's post about another mass shooting, and I thought, "Well, I was an asshole earlier. I'm going to Greece for work, and I still found a way to complain." I think it's constant reminders to be positive and put things in perspective that have made me into more of the person I want to be.

This was one of those posts that I think I mostly needed to put into writing for myself. However, serious thanks to anyone who has supported me throughout my life into getting to this exact moment, sitting in a hotel in Rome, typing a blog post, thinking about how lucky I am.

A slightly late thank you to everyone for the birthday wishes. It was spent in Munich at Oktoberfest, and it was a blast. Thanks for reading as always, friends.