It's taken me a while, but I think I've finally got it figured out. I also don't think I really was an independent person until after college. For me, independence means being okay with yourself before you take put yourself out there for others. It means being sure of yourself and having conviction, even if you mess up sometimes. It means being able to be alone without going stir crazy, and even enjoying it sometimes. I think that "being alone" part is pretty important, and it's something I often struggled with. There's a large difference between being alone and being lonely. At different points in my life, I often thought I was a lonely person for one reason or another. Toward the end of high school and early into college, I thought not being lonely meant having the acceptance of females. I thought it meant having a girlfriend. Later in college, I just hated being alone at all. I didn't like to be alone with my thoughts. By the time I was a senior, I was slowly starting to figure out that I needed to figure things out on my own before I brought other people into the picture.
There's always room for improvement as a person, but growing up is having some degree of knowledge of who you are, what you like and don't like, what you need to be sane, and what your authentic self is. That's independence. It doesn't mean you can do everything on your own, and I think I understand that more than ever. It means knowing when you need to depend on others. I think in order to truly give yourself to others, whether it be in friendships, relationships, or in service, you need to first work on knowing yourself. It wasn't really until after college that I first started to put into motion an effort to know myself and develop independence.
I started to realize that people were knowing me in a more real way. I didn't feel the need to put on fronts for people. I am what I am, and while it's a constant process, I know what my values are and who I want to be. It's easier for me to be truthful with people about who I am and what I want in life. I find that a lot of the friendships or relationships I've lost are really a result of me not having had any idea what was going on in my life or what my inward focus was. I realize now that it took being a little selfish and taking some time to myself to figure out what the hell I'm doing here on this planet of ours. I had countless trips alone out and about in Jeju, and I did a lot of self-discovery there. The pivotal point came to me with the help of Alex Boesch, who realized what I really wanted was to be in Rome, and he told me to stop putzing around and make myself happy. I finally started putting effort into figuring myself out, and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.
I love being alone. I love doing things myself and feeling accomplished afterward. None of that is independence though. Independence is a base layer for throwing yourself out there to others. It's being able to do your own laundry and fight your own battles just because you know you can. It doesn't mean I have to do everything on my own or focus only on myself. It does mean that sometimes I do have to do things on my own, and sometimes I do need to focus on myself.
I've got goals, and I'm confident I'll reach them. I'm confident I have friends that truly know me and love me for the weirdass that I am. Everything is kind of clicking. While there's tough days as there always has been and will be, I feel more equipped to handle them than at any other moment in my life. Each day I'm feeling more and more equipped, and even though there will be bad days and there will be doubts, I'll bounce back because I'm totally capable.
That's about all I've got. A new group of students arrived, and I hope they're working on figuring out themselves. I'm working on a study trip to Bosnia and Serbia for March, and I'm super excited. It's going to be a quick and wonderful semester. Hope friends and family worldwide are doing well. Ciao.
