The single millennial battle cry of recent seems to be
“every time I get on Facebook, someone else is getting engaged or married!” We say
it almost scornfully. I’ve spent a lot of time in recent months making major
life decisions, and my brain keeps wandering back to where love fits in. I’ve
been utterly preoccupied with the hope of one day finding “the one,” the person
who I’ll settle down and have kids with. I’d be lying if I said that didn’t
come with its fair share of considering the other side of the coin; I might
never find that person.
It does seem that a lot of people my age are rushing to find
someone, which is pretty on par with the stereotype that we’re a generation of
instant gratification. We like things to happen quickly, and they often do.
That’s not to say it’s a bad thing necessarily, but love is a tricky thing. I
think that desire for moving things along has given rise to Tinder and things
like it. Our youth was dictated by the rise of the Internet and the smart phone;
of course it’s infiltrated the most intimate corners of our lives.
I think I’ve been in love a few times. The older I get, the
more that I realize the quest for love probably isn’t about finding “the one.”
The more I analyze it (which is admittedly a silly thing to do with love), the
more I think that falling in love probably has a lot to do with circumstance.
We load our dating app profiles with tidbits about ourselves, cheesy pickup
lines, and bad puns, but if it isn’t the right place and the right time, it
doesn’t matter how much someone suits you. That’s the end of the line.
I used to think I needed to find someone to complete me,
someone with whom I couldn’t live without. That’s the stuff of fairytales after
all. I don’t think I believe that anymore. Dependency isn’t love. Independent
congruency is more like what I want. I don’t want someone who needs me in order
to be whole. I want to contribute a new, meaningful part to their whole, and I
want them to contribute a piece to mine. That’s not to say there’s no void if
they’re gone, but it’s not filling some gap that you’ve had your whole life
that could only be filled by that person.
I’ve been caught up for a long time in the practicality of
love, often using that as an excuse for why I don’t currently have it. “I live
abroad! I’m just kind of doing me right now.” While that’s true, I also miss
companionship in that way. I use my isolation and self-interest as an excuse
for the real reasons I probably haven’t met anyone. Those reasons I find are
probably numerous, but I’ve always lived under the guise that someone should
love me for who I am. While that’s also true, I think I’ve let myself get away
internally and externally because that’s what I believed. I want to be loved
for who I am, but ironically, I think I let who I was get away because I
thought that meant I could do whatever I wanted.
So, yes, everyone is getting married and engaged, and it
stings a bit. I won’t act like some alternative lifestyle cool dude who just
isn’t into love right now. I think everyone who’s single at my age is asking
themselves the same question even if they don’t know they are. “Why am I so far
behind these people? Why do they have it figured out?” I think all of us should
probably take a good look at why we’re single before we blame it on the folks
who have it figured out. I know I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself before
someone else finds me to be an attractive investment of their heart and their
time. I’m not talking about dates and hooking up; I’m talking about that
long-term stuff. If I’m emotionally unavailable, crass, letting my appearance
go, and being generally non-committal, of-fucking-course I haven’t found
someone who’s interested in the long game. I can’t fault anyone for that, and I
shouldn’t rain on the parade of the people who are a bit more mature than I am.
I’m constantly trying to improve myself, and it’s a slow
process. After years and probably several failed relationships of thinking “you
should love me for who I am” meant “you should love me no matter what,” I’m
realizing that it’s not that way at all. You have to offer yourself in full,
but you have to continue being your best if you really love someone. I’ve done
my fair share of taking people for granted, and I probably owe some apologies.
